I recently found out that my MOH has accepted to be MOH in another friend's wedding that is a month before mine. I had a lot of trouble deciding who to choose as my MOH since I am equally close to all of my friends. I decided to ask her to be my MOH because she had the most time and is very organized. I've never been in a wedding, much less a MOH, but I've always imagined that it's something that takes up much of your time. I find it hard to believe that she will be able to dedicate a fair amount of time to each of our weddings. When I asked her about this, she got very defensive and said that I could not monopolize all of her time and I should ask my other bridesmaids to take up some of her MOH duties. She said that the other bride did not feel the least bit concerned that she is both of our MOHs and I should not be either. She even said that the other bride was kind enough to schedule her wedding a month before mine, not the same month, as not to complicate things. She said, because of this, I should be able to rearrange some of my pre-wedding activities to accomodate both weddings. My feeling is that the other bride is perfectly happy with the situation because she knew that my friend was my MOH before asking her to be hers. She had enough time to determine whether this is what she wanted. I, on the other hand, would not have asked my friend to be my MOH had I known she was already a MOH in another wedding so close to my own. I also don't feel that I should rearrrange any of my pre-wedding activities based on another person's wedding that I don't even know. My problem now is that I don't know what to do. Do I accept this situation and just plan around her? Do I ask one of my other bridesmaids to be co-MOH with her, or do I choose not to have a MOH altogether? Friends that I have talked to say that they can understand her situation in not wanting to decline a MOH invitation, but that she should also be understanding of what I am feeling. She instead, feels that I am making this all about me, and that she just can't help if everyone wants HER in their wedding. Advice please....
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Jun 20, 2006, 11:02 AM
Post #2 of 4
(475 views)
Re: [wife_to_be] Advice: My MOH is planning 2 weddings....
[In reply to]
Dear WTB,
I agree that her attitude is a bit inconsiderate. It isn't polite to accept an invitation such as yours and then tell you to rearrange your plans around hers. However, let's just consider what you would have to rearrange. What would it be?
You can't host or plan a bridal shower or bachelorette party for yourself. Someone else would be doing this based on her or his schedule. It doesn't have to be hosted by the MOH. So, this is not in the equation.
The bridal luncheon or tea could be hosted by you to give your attendants their gifts and to thank them for the efforts. Or, it could be hosted by your attendants. So, either way she would be attending or participating on your time or hers. So, this is a small issue.
Do you see where I'm going with this? There isn't much that she would be doing that anyone else couldn't do even, though she is the MOH. She should be there for the fittings, rehearsal, and the wedding. She definitely should be your right arm the day before and the day of the wedding. But, any of your attendants can help with any little decision you may need help with. In fact, your fiance should be with you for the major decisions any way.
But, her attitude may be a problem. So, if she misses appointments or refuses to commit to a date for a fitting, that is the time to worry. Then you will have some decisions to make.
Re: [Et.byRebecca] Advice: My MOH is planning 2 weddings....
[In reply to]
Thank you so much for your advice!
I guess my main concern is that, no, she isn't really doing anything that anyone else can't do, even though she is MOH. But, shouldn't she be doing those things, instead of everyone else...otherwise why does she have the MOH title? If other friends pick up the slack, is it fair for her to still be MOH?
I also talked with my BMs and we worked out a tentative schedule for all of the activities, to make sure they are not falling one weekend after the next. We are planning a bachelorette party in Las Vegas. So, we decided with all of us working full time and everything else in life, that it would be better to space out all activities and not have them on back-to-back weekends, giving a breather from both the time and expense...My MOH has now suggested that everything can be crammed into the wedding month so that her schedule is free and clear of her other friend's wedding.
My fiance has been there throughout the major planning of vendors, etc., but neither he nor my mom care much for the little details -- an area that I was really expecting a lot of help from her. I suppose I'm most of all hurt that she doesn't understand why I am concerned at all, and has called me unreasonable. I understand her point of view, but she thinks mine is outrageous.
I feel that this is just a situation of different expectations from a MOH, and now I don't know how to remedy it...
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Jun 20, 2006, 12:58 PM
Post #4 of 4
(458 views)
Re: [wife_to_be] Advice: My MOH is planning 2 weddings....
[In reply to]
I agree that this is a problem, especially since she wants to schedule everything into the one month. Perhaps this isn't what she does best. It is reasonable to want your MOH to want to help you with minor details and perhaps some major ones as well, such as your dress.
But, prewedding parties are optional and she does have the choice of not participating. She doesn't have the right to dictate what day these take place unless she is the host.
Because she chose to be involved with someone else's wedding after yours, you do have the right to be concerned and discuss her stepping down as your MOH. If she continues to be a problem, this may be best for all of you if she does.
The bachelorette party and bridal shower are optional and if your attendants wish to host these, they may. But, because these parties benefit you, it is not proper if you are involved in the planning. So, please do not help plan this with your attendants. This puts them in an awkward position. They host this, which means they pay. If you are part of the planning process, it is as if you are telling them how to spend their money.
Advice: My MOH is planning 2 weddings....
