I have four bridesmaids and three groomsmen. The uneven number doesn't bother me, but I realized that one of my bridesmaids only contributes ideas and criticism. I suggest a bridesmaid gown and she tells me all the styles she can't wear. My husband-to-be chose our favors and she got upset since she thought she would get to do that. Now, it is the time to buy the bridesmaid gowns. I wrote my bridesmaids a group email to thank them all for their help. Each of them is taking on tasks that I would have been overwhelmed to complete on my own. Two have taken on all the duties of MOH, without my ever bestowing a title. It has been a breeze to plan the wedding with their help.
My question is, the four friend knows she has not helped me with any wedding plans or logistics. She admits that she is just being difficult. If she is not helping with any bridesmaid duties and not lending me any support (even emotional), should I suggest a different role for her in my wedding? Her child is still part of the wedding party, so she can be part of it through her too.
You've already asked her to be a bridesmaid so it wouldn't really be nice to ask her to step down unless she was causing some severe difficulties. I would just blow it off and learn a little something about who you can count on in a pinch.
When choosing the bridesmaids dresses try to maske sure you select a style that will suit as many of your bridesmaids as possible. Remember, they must purchase and wear these dresses in public so it's nice to be considerate of their physical attributes and tastes. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on Mar 4, 2006, 9:35 AM)
When I read the advice given, I accepted that the extra bridesmaid would be 'dead weight' (pardon the phrase). I had actually become fairly good at ignoring the little negative remarks she'd make or when she'd be a backseat bride (like a backseat driver). But the situation has not improved...
In the last three weeks the bridesmaid dresses have been ordered. I remember reading other posts here that proclaim the greatness of giving bridesmaid a style choice, so I went into the dress search with that firmly in mind. I also changed my wedding colors when I realized the original colors would look silly on two of my bridesmaids. The final shade is flattering for everyone. I asked for my bridesmaids' opinions on dress designers, shades, and styles to make sure I selected something that makes everyone happy. B4 preferred a designer whose dresses cost upwards of $220. The other bridesmaids kept reminding me that they are at my disposal and whatever I ask them to wear will be fine with them (how did I get so lucky to have such amiable friends?). Recognizing that I couldn't ask my friends to shell out oodles of money on a dress, I found an ideal color available in three dress styles costing $60-80 each (miracle!). I encouraged B4 to order a specific style that I felt would best suit her figure and had a cut that was more forgiving. Instead, she ordered the worst possible dress for her figure and in her goal size (as incentive to lose weight). Now, she can't zip it up. Meanwhile, she is continuing to be demanding. She said the other bridesmaids should come to her house (in the extreme 'burbs) to plan the shower even though I already had told her that two of them are already handling it. I'll admit that since she has second-guessed all my bridal decisions, I was hesitant to put the other bridesmaids through that with the bridal shower.
My other three bridesmaids are an amazing source of friendship, inspiration, strength, and logistical help. It almost seems insulting to have B4 be part of this group when I consider the tiny wrenches she keeps throwing in my planning process. I am tempted to respond to her next 'wrench' by saying, "I think my decision suits the overall vision my fiancee and I have for our wedding and hope you will be happy with what I have chosen." or maybe just, "I'm the bride. You already had your wedding. Stop second-guessing my choices." Is that rude or inappropriate?
Unfortunately, this is really causing me stress so I vented a bit much in this question, but I guess background will help you understand the whole situation. My question in the midst of all my whining is how horrible would it be for me to ask her and/or her daughter to step out of my wedding party? Repaying her for both outfits would cost me less than their bouquets and appreciation gifts, plus it would save me unnecessary stress. I know it should only be considered when a bridesmaid is interfering in the wedding itself or not supporting the marriage, so I don't take this decision lightly (hence the two posts). I don't want to hurt any feelings or be insulting, but I just keep thinking that she if this difficult when I only hear from her once in a while, how annoying will she be when she's with me nearly constantly the weekend of the wedding?!
I apologize for the length of this post. I would appreciate advice on how to specifically handle this ongoing issue with the necessary tact and politeness. Thank you.
(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on Mar 5, 2006, 7:45 AM)
It sounds like to me that what has not happened is a heart to heart talk between you and this particular bridesmaid. I mean this tenderly, but my impression is that you are not addressing the real issues directly and think that asking her to step down is an easier/better solution, which it is not given the long term hurt feelings that may follow.
What I suggest is that you sit down and talk with her. You don't have to be ugly or rude, just firm and clear. Up to this point, you've given her a lot of leniency so that may be adding to the stress of having to talk to her directly. Although this does not seem easy, it is necessary and I recommend doing this before you ask her to step down. It may solve the problem. Rhonda Allen, Bridal Consultant New Beginnings Weddings
Bay Bride
Mar 5, 2006, 9:08 AM
Post #5 of 5
(861 views)
Re: [expertplanner] An extra bridesmaid
[In reply to]
Sigh. You are right. As unpleasant as asking her to step down would be, it is the easy way out of a stressful situation. A heart-to-heart makes so much sense. Thanks for your objectivity. I'll be sure to do it in person.
An extra bridesmaid
