I originally asked a fairly new friend to be my MOH right after I got engaged last year. Since then we are not that close anymore, and is rather distant and my other friend Melinda, currently a bridesmaid, has since become really close and has been a great help with the wedding planning. In my heart, I really want Melinda to be my MOH. I have known Melinda for 9yrs and I have known Lynn for 2yrs. How do I go about changing this?
yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor
Post #2 of 3
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Re: Asking MOH to be bridesmaid instead
[In reply to]
My disclaimer is that I'm not the etiquette person here but from a relationship point of view, I would think that this is a change only to be considered if your current MOH feels the same way. It's irrelevant that you've known one for only 2 years and the other one for 9. There was something in the beginning that led you to choose your new friend over your older friend and that had nothing to do with length of the friendship.
Here's a new way of thinking about it. Would it be nice to have your "best friend" as you MOH? Of course it would. Would it be the end of the world if she wasn't? Of course not. Your bridesmaid who has become your closest friend will still be a part of everything and you will go on to share many times and probably years of memories with her outside of this one experience which is your wedding. And whomever stands closest to you that day, it's a role that only lasts for a short period of time in the long view of things.
So I would suggest that if you are feeling really inclined to want to change things, then consider how this will:
- effect your MOH who was chosen by you
- effect your friendship now and in the future
Once you've answered these questions and are willing to live with the consequences, then you can approach her. Another suggestion is to approach her and open the dialogue around how she's feeling about the role, now that you've both grown apart. Perhaps she's feeling the same way in which case it's a no-brainer. However, out of respect for her and her willingness to do this for you from the outset, I would want to know how she is feeling and ask her that given you are not as close as before, is she still interested in being the MOH or would she feel better about not filling that place.
I think when we make decisions that involve other people and then change our minds we owe it to them to consider their feelings, hear what they want and honor that and then only make the changes when we're willing to live with the consequences. Remember it's one short time in your life - beyond that day, and even now, you can choose to spend time with and invest in any friendship you want. Tr not to focus on this so much and put so much stock into this one experience feeling that it has to be perfect because if you do that, you may very well be disappointed.
You could also try to imagine what it would be like for you to have someone ask you to step aside.
My hope is that you're both feeling the same way about this and that it isn't a big deal for your MOH in which case you have a simple solution but just know that it isn't always that simple.
Best of Luck! Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach, Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute http://www.stepinstitute.ca
(This post was
edited by yvonne"instep" on Mar 3, 2009, 10:26 AM)
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Post #3 of 3
(408 views)
Re: Asking MOH to be bridesmaid instead
[In reply to]
Great advice. I completely agree. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
Asking MOH to be bridesmaid instead
