Bitter, Sad, Angry, Unwilling MOH -- looking for compromise
My younger sister is getting married in two weeks. I am to be the Maid of Honor. Our mother, who is a strong presence in both our lives, is thrilled and supportive about the whole thing.
When I got married, three years ago, my mother deliberately destroyed all my wedding plans. She put her foot down and refused to come, organized her side of the family into saying they would not attend, wrote horrible letters to my fiance, told me I was making a mistake, basically ruined all my dreams. I had a dress, a location, a reception hall, a band... I had made stationery by hand, with pressed flowers... But after a year and a half of fighting with my mother, I finally had to elope. After we got married, instead of presents, we got letters saying, "Whatever you do, don't get pregnant." She hated my husband, and was angry at me for marrying him.
I am still very sad, angry, and bitter about the whole thing. And now, watching my sister's Cloud Nine wedding preparations, I'm horribly jealous of this sister whom I love. I have no reason to be angry at her, and I want the best for her and for her wedding. But when she asked me to be Maid of Honor, I said I couldn't. That I would just be a black cloud on her wedding day. She insisted, though, and here I am. Stuck.
I feel like I can't do anything. I can't plan the Girls' Night Out. I can barely stand up during my dress fittings. I'm supposed to perform music at the ceremony; I can hardly practice. I've worked for months on her wedding gift, but I my hands are barely functioning to finish the project.
I am so upset that I cry every time I think about it. I am afraid that the Summer of 2007 will be either "the summer I ditched my sister's wedding" or "the summer I went postal at my sister's reception."
The worst of it is, the wedding is a week-long series of events in NYC. I'll be stuck there, in hotel rooms and camp lodges, with a bunch of giddy bridesmaids, my sister, and my mother. I've asked for the privacy of my own room, but that has only been arranged for some of the nights.
What is the best compromise? Can I reasonably back out of the week's events, and show up only for the ceremony? I'd really like her to promote someone else to MOH and let me cry unnoticed in the back of the church, instead of in a pink dress in front of all the video cameras. But when I suggested this, she said, "I refuse to imagine you not in your place!"
I'm afraid that anything I say will just destroy her "perfect wedding" without actually improving my situation. I am a snarl of thorns with a self-esteem problem.
(This post was
edited by NemoAlia on Jun 11, 2007, 3:10 AM)
yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor
Jun 11, 2007, 9:54 PM
Post #2 of 2
(502 views)
Re: [NemoAlia] Bitter, Sad, Angry, Unwilling MOH -- looking for compromise
[In reply to]
I understand that this must be difficult as you compare her wedding to the one that you never had. However, it sounds like so much of this had to do with your mom and her lack of acceptance around your fiance at the time, not so much with your sister. I agree 100% with what you said in your last paragraph - (my paraphrase) anything you might say that would potentially destroy her wedding will do absolutely nothing to improve your situation. In fact, all the thinking about how catastrophic your situation was, is really what is actually making your re-live all of that, and experience the distress again, not the fact that you are currently involved in your sister's wedding. I think that perhaps choosing to look at this situation as an entirely new day in the lives of you, your sister, your mother and your new family may help you to actually participate in the event and bring some closure to those feelings of bitterness and resentment.
Do you talk with anyone about this? Have you confronted or spoke with your mother about your unresolved feelings on this? And is your sister even aware of how you are feeling? I'm not suggesting that burdening your sister with all of your feelings is the answer, but I am wondering to what extent you have been able to face your feelings and at least share them with someone before now or if this wedding has just drudged up a lot of stuff from the past that you thought you had dealt with.
As a start, begin to recognize that your negative experience had more to do with your own personal circumstances and your mother's lack of acceptance of these. If you are not at odds with your sister regarding any of this, then I think you would not only be disappointing her but more importantly yourself, if you choose to walk away and let this past situation dictate how you live your life. Sometimes facing the things that are the most difficult and living through them teaches us that nothing is as bad or catastrophic as it seems. The past only has as much hold on us as we allow it to have and if you have a good relationship with your sister and the only thing holding you back from fully celebrating this with her is what happened throughout your wedding planning 3 years ago, then I believe you will be only adding to the misery that already happened 3 years ago.
I really believe that life often isn't fair and perhaps what happened to you is a perfect example of this, but I would hate to see you invite more distress and unfairness into your life by holding on to this in a way that will allow it to continue to taint your relationships and your future. You don't have to do this and as hard as it may be to believe, you do have a choice to move on from the events of 3 years ago. I have a wonderful website for you to check out which talks about Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy, and I think you will see that working on how you think about this will actually help you to deal with it better because you can't change the past, you can only choose to live in the future and distress yourself as little about the things you can't change as possible. Check this out and let us know if you find it helpful. The website is www.rebt.org
Best of Luck! Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach, Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute http://www.stepinstitute.ca
(This post was
edited by yvonne"instep" on Jun 11, 2007, 9:55 PM)
Bitter, Sad, Angry, Unwilling MOH -- looking for compromise
