I am between a rock & a hard place. A long time friend is engaged and planning a FAll wedding. For a very long list of reasons I think she is making a mistake in marrying this person. He is obsessively controlling about everything even small little things. She has very low self-esteem which only adds to the situation. I was a psychologist for 10 years and have seen to many of these types of relationships become violent and having been around him I think he actually could be one of these 'types' of people.
They only dated for 3 weeks before becoming engaged and now live together. I have seen her 'give up' on all of the 'dreams' that were important to her because he does not agree with them, etc. I have not seen them come to a single compromise ever...it is always 'his way no highway option'. I really think that she figured he was the only one who was going to ask her so she might as well say yes (at our age). She has never had a serious relationship until this one to be honest.
So with out all the 'nitty gritty' details. Should I tell her how I really feel are just let it alone? I honestly just want her to be happy.
(On a side note I always wished someone would have told me I was making a mistake before my first marriage...I would have been relieved and agreed with them to be honest.)
(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on Sep 26, 2005, 6:20 AM)
TWQadmin
FORUM EXPERT
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Sep 26, 2005, 6:20 AM
Post #2 of 6
(1002 views)
Re: [ReluctantMOH] Be honest with Bride ... Or Not??? Help
[In reply to]
As a phsychologist, and a friend of this woman, I think only you can decide if telling her would make a difference or cause a rift in your relationship. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Sep 26, 2005, 10:43 AM
Post #3 of 6
(989 views)
Re: [ReluctantMOH] Bride is making a mistake. Should I tell her?
[In reply to]
I agree with the Wedding Queen. However, as a teacher, I feel that if we witness possible abusive behavior, we should speak up. This is law for those of us working with children. So, why wouldn't we do this for our friends? As a psychologist you probably realize that she may not be receptive and you may lose a friend. But, what if he actually became violent?
This is just my opinion and based entirely on my past experiences. You have a big decision to make and one that is all yours to make.
Jill
Psychotherapist: Second Weddings & Stepfamilies
Sep 26, 2005, 11:04 AM
Post #4 of 6
(986 views)
Re: [ReluctantMOH] Bride is making a mistake. Should I tell her?
[In reply to]
As a psychologist, and a good friend, you should be able to find a way of talking to your friend in a way which wont shock her. Ask her to elaborate on some of the things she tells you - try to get her to be thinking about this relationship. I think that is all you can do. Jill Curtis Psychotherapist, Author How to Get Married ... Again (A Guide to Second Weddings) London, UK http://www.familyonwards.com
ReluctantMOH
Sep 26, 2005, 11:32 AM
Post #5 of 6
(981 views)
Re: [Jill] Bride is making a mistake. Should I tell her?
[In reply to]
Thanks everyone for the replies. I have really spent a great deal of time trying to get her to reflect on some of the things she says he does or says toward her/their relationship. But it doesn't seem to have gotten the point across.
I think he probably could become violent if she were to oppose him or go against his wishes, but she would never do that either.
In my heart I know I have to say something but I know that it will end the friendship if I do. ALthough I know there is no way my husband & I could be friends with him either. Obviously I would always be there if she needed me.
yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor
Sep 26, 2005, 12:18 PM
Post #6 of 6
(977 views)
Re: [ReluctantMOH] Bride is making a mistake. Should I tell her?
[In reply to]
You have already received a lot of good advice here. To add to that, I believe you may be feeling an obligation to tell her about your reservations. This is a delicate issue but if you feel you will regret not having said something to her later, then pehaps your intuition is telling you to approach the subject with her. Instead of emphatically putting him down, which would probably put her on the defensive anyway, simply let her know that you are concerned about her and that your experience is telling you that there may be some alarm bells here with regards to his need to be in control all of the time. Let her know that regardless of what she decides, you will be there for her and that she should never hesitate to come to you if she needs to. Even handling things delicately and diplomatically can still backfire on us when talking to friends about choices they're making in their life. I believe she'll see that you do have her best interests at heart, even if this has repercussions for your friendship initially. Bottomline, whatever you decide, you want her to know that your friendship is strong. That way, if the worst does happen, and her partner does become abusive in other ways, or she simply tires of his need to be in control, she will have her friend to turn to in times of trouble. Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach, Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute http://www.stepinstitute.ca
Bride is making a mistake. Should I tell her?
