I am marrying my best friends brother in October. I've been a close part of his family for about 16 years. I met his sister when we were 15 and we've been best friends ever since. Over the years, her brother became my "guy" best friend. About 4 years ago, she moved 2000 miles away, and I became alot closer with her brother, my fiance. Sometime before he proposed, my sister and his sister(my best friend) both pretty much said in their own ways, "I BETTER be the maid of honor!" I just blew it off because we weren't even engaged yet. When he proposed, my sister happened to be there... again a comment of MOH was made. I said "I guess I'll have to have 2 MOH's because I don't want to have to choose." The next day I was talking to his sister, and she made another MOH comment as well. I mentioned having 2 MOH's to her and she flipped! She will NOT be pushed aside for my sister and if that's the case, she doesn't want to be in the wedding! (she's never liked my sister) So the ring hasn't even been on my finger for 12 hours, and instead of the joy I WAS feeling, I'm now in tears! His sister called and apologized, said she hadn't had her coffee and was PMSing. We talked it out and she said it was ok to have my sister as MOH. My sister is right here, she's 2000 miles away, yadda yadda. I told her that isn't really what I want, my heart wants her, not my sister, as my MOH. I'm not as close with my sister as I am her, and I'd always pictured her as my MOH, even before I knew I'd be marrying her brother! She kept insisting I have my sister and I just left it as, that's not what I want, but I don't want to hurt my sister's feelings either. I'll figure something out. This was back in june of 04. In the mean time she flew home for the 4th of July, everything seemed fine, we've talked on the phone a million times, everything seems fine. Well a couple days ago, she calls me and drops a bomb on me. She tells me she's been pissed at me ever since the whole MOH issue, couldn't I tell when she came home? How can I pick my sister when I'm so much closer to her? (which is true) BUT I NEVER PICKED ANYONE YET! This situation was forced upon me, and instead of hurting anyones feelings, I wanted 2, the easy way out. Well that didn't work, so I've been stressing over a way that doesn't hurt anyone. I really don't want 2, I want his sister, but how do I tell mine? Anyway, she then goes on with, "It sure is nice for my parents to give $10,000 for the wedding isn't it? (Did I forget to mention that? hehe) (They also gave $10,000 for her wedding, it's their gift, we can use it on whatever we want) I agreed it sure is nice! Well they had a vision in their head when they offered the money. They invisioned her being the MOH since we'd been best friends for so long. *NEWSFLASH! Wasn't that my vision? She said it was a slap in the face to their parents that I'd have my sister or even THINK of having her, when they're paying all that. And thats why his parents haven't been over here in so long, not the lame excuses they gave. It was like a punch in the stomach I must say! I mean HELLO, it's the end of September! Why haven't you told me this sooner??? Everyone's just going to distance themselves and not even tell me, and it's coming down to whos paying for the wedding? And all along I've wanted his sister anyway, just don't know how to tell my sister. My sister is quite bitchy, plus I don't want to hurt her feelings and it will. Now my feelings are hurt by the whole money, silent treatment thing. And of course I can't mention any of this to my fiance or it breaks the whole "best friends trust." I can't turn to him for support because he is her brother and he'd be SO MAD at them for this. She said I have the power to turn him against his family cuz if I say it's blue, then it's blue to him. When really it's their actions that would turn him against them if he so chose. This got brought up because when her and I had the first fight, I was crying, he asked me why, I told him, and he was mad at her for acting like that. In her eyes I turned him against her. In our eyes it was forgotten a long time ago. (her reaction to 2 MOH) When you're upset, who do you go to for comfort? Your partner in life. That's what I did. When it comes to me and her, I can't do that, because I kind of do have the power to make him mad at her, but I wouldn't intentionally drive a wedge and for her to think that makes me mad! Plus if anyone is driving it, it's her! Don't say or do things like that if you're embarrassed for someone to find out. But we've been honest and argued it out like friends do. I still want her as my MOH even after it's all said and done. She's going through marriage problems now which have gotten her pretty depressed. She's started counseling for all her negative thoughts and feelings... My problem is STILL the whole MOH thing? Isn't it supposed to be who you're closest with and not just because you're blood? (my sisters argument) I want my best friend, but how do I tell my bitchy sister? I know she'll make a big deal about it and go crying to my mom about how I don't love her, and may not even go to the wedding, that's just how she is. Which is part of why I don't want her as my MOH. It's really stressing me out and I can't even be excited about the wedding! Aren't weddings supposed to be happy? I know they're stressful but GEEZE! Any advice will be more appreciated than you'll ever know! Thanks
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edited by TWQadmin on Jun 13, 2008, 10:45 PM)
Let's make this very simple. You get to choose who your MOH will be. That is the bottom line. You don't have to choose your sister. If your sister is the problem you describe, you will probably have problems throughout the entire planning process. But, I don't have to give you excuses. You know what you want to do. You just have to take action. I'm sure you will be as diplomatic and polite as possible, but you should do this sooner not later.
Oh dear... families! First of all, I suggest you talk to your future husband about all this. no need to blame anyone, but he needs to know what is going on and the stress you are under.
You may find that this opens up some real discussion within the family, because you really need to know if your in-laws are upset about anything.
Then, and only then, should you make up your mind about who you want as you MOH. Jill Curtis Psychotherapist, Author How to Get Married ... Again (A Guide to Second Weddings) London, UK http://www.familyonwards.com
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edited by TWQadmin on Jun 13, 2008, 10:46 PM)
Thanks for the advice guys I'm not sure I want to open that can of worms in his family. I really let his sister have it and let her know how it made me feel to be put in that situation. We've learned from it and won't let it happen again. If she's got a problem with me, she can't go to my future MIL and complain about me. I told her call me and tell me!! Just as I need to go to her with a problem, she needs to come to me and not badmouth me to my in-laws! ANYWAY, I'm having a hard time coming up with a polite way to say to my sister, "I don't want 2 MOH and you're not the one I want..." I mean how do you say that nice? I don't WANNA be mean or make choices! (whining voice ) I just want to marry the man I love in a paperbag by ourselves for all I care anymore! Are there any suggestions as to how to turn family down nicely? LOL! I'm sure SOMEONE has to have been through this before! I know I want my best friend, I'm SOOO much closer to her. But I have a feeling it's going to be a big ordeal about how blood is thicker than water. I've failed to mention, I was married once b4 when I was very young. It was a court house wedding because I ended up pregnant and had to cancel the big wedding. My sister was my MOH then though! It may have been in a court house, but STILL! *sigh... It sux that it has to be this hard! My feelings right now should be completely opposite of what they are! I should be elated!!!! Instead it's like a living nightmare! I know I'll feel so much better once I handle the situation, I just don't know exactly how to handle it! In the speech and toast section, we need templates for some "feel good" let downs, LOL!
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edited by TWQadmin on Jun 13, 2008, 10:47 PM)
I've asked about that, just having him and I with my 2 daughters up there, but he kind of wants the traditional wedding party. We'll have a special part for the 4 of us, but he wants to have a best man.
Ahhh...you didn't mention daughters! PERFECT! What are their ages? Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
I don't think the 12 year old is too young to act as the MOH! Just have your two girls and then your guy can have his choice of best man and then you'll have no complaints...well, maybe a few but probably less!
The only problem with not having any friends as bridemaids is the bridal shower issue of who will host. Family members should not host the shower. But,most brides today don't need showers to help them get their homes started. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
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edited by TWQadmin on Jun 13, 2008, 10:49 PM)
Oh you poor girl. Your supposed best friend is really playing with your head. She is 2000 miles away and using the MOH thing to make you suffer because she is so jealous that you are marrying her brother. And to top it off, she is relishing the fact that she is making you hurt since her relationship is falling apart right now.
First, you need to take a deep breath and a step back. You asked your sister and while you describe your sister as "bitchy" there is not one example of her acting as such. In fact, the only one whose behavior is horrid is your "friend." The whole money thing is ridiculous. Your fiancé's parents would be giving that money to their son no matter who he married. it is not blackmail money to have the sister be the MOH.
The easy answer is to have two MOH. If the sister and your "friend" will not share the honor, and has even threatened to not attend the wedding, then she is way to immature to be a MOH. A true friend really does step aside to make the bride's life easier. An evil, selfish manipulator says she understands and is supportive and then stabs you in the back at her next opportunity.
You are about to marry the man of your dreams, do not start off your marriage with secrets and lies. Talk to your fiancé. Even show him your e-mail. Ask him what he thinks.
You guys are awesome! Thanks so much for the advice. I'm on my way to work, but seeing your replies just made my Friday a whole lot better. I agree my best friend should try and make my life easier. Even though there wasn't an example here, my sister is a very bitchy person! I'm pondering having my oldest daughter as maid of honor
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edited by TWQadmin on Jun 13, 2008, 10:50 PM)
Bride wants friend to be MOH not sister
Thanks 
I'm not sure I want to open that can of worms in his family. I really let his sister have it and let her know how it made me feel to be put in that situation. We've learned from it and won't let it happen again. If she's got a problem with me, she can't go to my future MIL and complain about me. I told her call me and tell me!! Just as I need to go to her with a problem, she needs to come to me and not badmouth me to my in-laws! ANYWAY, I'm having a hard time coming up with a polite way to say to my sister, "I don't want 2 MOH and you're not the one I want..." I mean how do you say that nice? I don't WANNA be mean or make choices! (whining voice 
) I just want to marry the man I love in a paperbag by ourselves for all I care anymore! Are there any suggestions as to how to turn family down nicely? LOL! I'm sure SOMEONE has to have been through this before! I know I want my best friend, I'm SOOO much closer to her. But I have a feeling it's going to be a big ordeal about how blood is thicker than water. I've failed to mention, I was married once b4 when I was very young. It was a court house wedding because I ended up pregnant and had to cancel the big wedding. My sister was my MOH then though! It may have been in a court house, but STILL! *sigh... It sux that it has to be this hard! My feelings right now should be completely opposite of what they are! I should be elated!!!! Instead it's like a living nightmare! I know I'll feel so much better once I handle the situation, I just don't know exactly how to handle it! 
In the speech and toast section, we need templates for some "feel good" let downs, LOL! 
