For my wedding I asked three close friends to be my bridesmaids - and one of them is in med school and had to fly to where I live. She wrote me an email saying she would love to be a bridesmaid but could not possibly afford both the dress and flight.
So I offered to pay for her dress ($150)even though I had many other wedding expenses and provided a place to stay at my house and food the entire weekend. My dad even woke up at 6:00am the day after the wedding to take her to the airport! I also gave the bridesmaids very nice gifts (the other two paid for their dresses).
I was not given a gift from her
After the wedding I found out that she had just bought a $2000 camera two months before the wedding (possibly around the time she booked her flight) and had just gone on a hawaiian vacation a month before the wedding.
I feel a little betrayed and taken advantage of. What a friend! I really want to email her to confront her because I just don't think I can go on being friends with her with the situation as is. Please help!
(This post was
edited by sdbride29 on Apr 24, 2009, 6:24 PM)
She still incurred costs because of your wedding. It was her money and she decided to spend it on you. Yes, it is expected for her to give you a gift, but she didn't. It really doesn't matter though. She did spend money on you, just maybe not as much as you would wish for her to. And, perhaps she will in the future.
She did state upfront that she couldn't afford both the dress and flight. It was your decision to purchase her dress. So, that was a gift.
It really doesn't matter what she did with her money, as it is hers to spend, and it is only her business what she does it. Confronting her could create the appearance of pettiness and greed.
I couldn't agree more with Rebecca. I think somewhere along the way people started believing that when they get married everyone else is obligated to spend large amounts of money, sometimes money that they don't have, and in some cases monet that they do have, but it doesn't matter because it is their money that they earned. In some cases it is the extreme example of destination weddings where friends and family members are asked to save money to travel to a far off place, thereby curtailing other plans that they may have had in terms of how they wanted to spend their money and live their lives.
In this case, even though you bought her dress and that was a nice gesture, she did pay out of pocket more than the others to participate in your wedding because she paid for her flight. Perhaps, even though you don't like that she bough other things for hereslf recently, she really didn't have any additional money at this time to spend on a gift and will either do it later or not. But if you make an issue of this you do run the risk of looking petty and immature and of losing a friend.
I personally don't think other people are obligated to spend large amounts of money whether they have it or not, to participate in another person's wedding. These are different times, and because travel is so often involved, the costs of participating in the weddings for friends and family have become astronomical. Not to mention the emphasis we place on any number of elaborate rituals which all seem to cost more money these days.
It's up to you, but I honestly believe that pushing this point will damage if not cause you to lose this friendship. Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach, Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute http://www.stepinstitute.ca
Bridesmaid Money Issues
