My fiancee's sister is one of my bridesmaids. When we got engaged, she was very happy for us, and seemed very touched and excited when I asked her to be a bridesmaid. Unfortunately, in the year that has elapsed since, she has gone through a number of personal issues that have left her depressed and difficult. My bridal party hosted a wonderful shower for me yesterday, and she was in attendance. She did not talk to anyone the whole time, and did not extend herself to help the other bridesmaids with gifts or games. At one point toward the end of the shower, I came out of the ladies room and passed her walking out with her coat and bag. She smiled at me and I assumed she was going out to have a cigarette. However, she never returned. She was not there to settle the bill with the facility with the rest of the bridal party, nor was she there to help clean up and load cars. She did not answer her phone or return texts, so no one, including her mother or my fiancee (who came to help clean) knew where she was or why she left. Later on, I found out that she had left the rest of the bridal party to cover her share of the shower, although she had reportedly given my fiancee a check to cover her amount that he is supposed to give to my sister.
We are currently at the point now where the girls are supposed to be getting their dresses fitted. She has been told repeatedly that she needs to do this, and that she needs to order her shoes and get all of this started. She doesn't answer or return phone calls, and my emails to her have gone unanswered. In addition to her personal problems this year, she has put on a great deal of weight, so I have been trying to subtly stress that if her dress needs major work, she needs to start that now. I don't feel that my hints have been picked up on. I know that her mindset is such that she wants to diet as much as possible and wait until the last possible moment to go for her fitting.
At this point, I am very hurt by her actions at my shower, and worried about her reliability on my wedding day. I am worried that she won't be on time for the hair appointments, be on time for pictures, and that she will drink too much at the wedding and cause a scene (she has done this before and she has already spoken at length about her excitement over the open bar). As you can see, I have a number of issues.
My other bridesmaids tell me to just let it go, that since we are going to be family, I don't need to have this kind of tension with her. I feel that I would like to confront her (nicely) to convey my hurt at her leaving my shower without so much as a goodbye, and to express my concerns about the wedding day and fulfilling her bridesmaid duties. My fiancee, who has tried to help her out throughout her personal issues this year, is at a loss as to how to reach her, and is so burned out on taking care of her and the handholding that she requires, that I hate to ask him to get involved.
Should I confront her or should I let this go and let the day happen as it will? I really don't want to have any kind of tension or to let anything get in the way of this happy time. However, I want her to understand the importance of this day to her brother and I, and I am not convinced that she gets that. Any advice you can give would be appreciated!
This woman sounds as if she has a ton of issues. She doesn't need another. Just keep moving forward with your plans and if she steps up to the plate - great. If she doesn't, it will be sad for all involved, but really won't make any issue for your wedding. Make plans for what you'll do if she doesn't do what is required of her. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
While I agree that she has not acted responsibly with her bridesmaid duties, the wedding is obviously not her only issue right now. She did ultimately take care of her financial responsibilities with the other bridesmaids, and it is up to her to either get the things done that need to be done or rush around at the end to finish them on time. You can control her promptness on the wedding day by giving her slightly earlier times than are necessary. You can't control the way she feels or how her brother's happiness and yours impact her life. If your other bridesmaids are supporting the "drop it" mentality, I think your future family peace is probably best served by listening. Shayna Walker, Williamsburg Wedding Design http://www.williamsburgweddingdesign.com
I agree. This is something that is best let go. Allow your MOH to handle all of the wedding related contacts and focus on what you need to do.
Also, just an observation, being an attendant these days can be very expensive. You said that the attendants had to "settle the bill with the facility", which implies that your shower, which should be small and intimate, could have been very pricy. Perhaps she was pressured into contributing to the optional shower and this could have been her problem that day--just a thought. Plus, all of the other "shoes, dress, hair" costs, just to be in your wedding, could be adding a lot of extra stress.
Money and your expectations could very well be a component in this. So, allowing her space would be a very good idea. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
Bridesmaid Suddenly Difficult
