First let me start off this question with a little back history. My brother and his wife.. yes that's right wife are having their "wedding" next Friday. He was married in secret 1 1/2 ago. My parents and I found out from an insurance agent because he tried to put his wife on thier policy. They constantly claim they married this way because he was off to Iraq except that we know(by way of speaking to his commander a month before they married) that he was not going. It would appear that they needed to be married to get the house they wanted. Anyway as you can see there is some animosity there. I had repeatedly told them that it is tacky to have a "wedding" but they were insistent on it. At one point my brother told me that he wouldn't do anything tacky, that they were only having a renewal ceremony and assured me that they would not be asking for gifts. A month later I received my invite to watch them "exchange marriage vows" complete with two "we've registered" cards. My mother asked me to not be confrontational with them because it only hurt her as her relationship with my brother has become increasingly strained by this "event." (I promise I am getting to the question part) Knowing that my mom and dad are non confrontational people my brother asked them in front of others if they would pay for the rehearsal dinner. They obliged, he then asked me to be an "usher in the wedding," I obliged against my better judgement. I have now gone out and paid $100 for a nice suit to wear. I was told by one of the bridesmaids that they were given $40 as the bridal party gift towards their attire. I am a little upset. I have been against the whole idea of this from the beginning and feel that my brother has totally taken advantage of me and my parents. How tacky would it be for me to ask for my "bridal party allowance?" And should he be getting my parents a thank you gift for throwing a rehearsal dinner for a wedding that shouldn't even be happening?
I am soooo very happy that you have shared your views with us about this. So many people want to have their 'real' wedding when they are already married and they don't want to believe that people will view it negatively. Thank you for illustrating your feelings and thoughts for those who will not believe.
I agree that it appears as if your brother is taking advantage especially since you stated how you felt about all of this. However, asking for the $40 wouldn't be polite. You could mention to him, though, that he should be giving your parents, at the very least, a thank you letter for hosting the rehearsal dinner. Some flowers would be a good gift.
Oh, and your parents set the guest list, not your brother.
Attendants? Registration cards in the invitations?! Rehearsal dinner? I can understand your frustration. But, your parents are probably right. It may be best to just go along with this since you have already told him how others will view it. It is happening whether you or your parents want it to or not. So, it is time to smile and remember that he is family. This is just one day.
I knew in my heart that I couldn't ask for the $40. I just wanted to be extra sure it wasn't polite.
Also I am going to take your advice and gently remind him that he should be prepared to give my parents a nice thank you note and perhaps a bottle of wine. (They will need it to wash the bad taste of this "event" away. haha)
Again, Thank you very much for taking the time to reply.
I fully agree with Rebecca. Graciousness and kindness always lead the way - you may not agree with what your brother is doing and I always ask the question: "what would love do?" Family gatherings tend to bring up "emotional stuff" for everybody. A "wedding" is only a "day" - a marriage is for a lifetime. Make your choices with love and kindness and you'll be proud of how you show up on your brother's "wedding" day. Annemarie Juhlian, Wedding Officiant & Minister
(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on Oct 7, 2005, 2:23 PM)
I really respect what you have to say but unlike Rebecca you don't seem to realize that this is not a wedding in the traditional sense as these two people have been married for over a year. As for their marriage it was built on lies and deciet and for their sake can survive after they no longer have a fake wedding to plan. "What would love do?" I don't know, as my brothers only sibling I kept my mouth shut through the ridiculous rehearsal dinner. While my brothers wife walked around in a ridiculous t-shirt that said "bride" and wore a veil with devil horns(which I felt captured her character perfectly.) And I will do the same tonight at the ceremony.
I wanted to reply here to let anyone else who might be planning their 'real' wedding know that this has left a bad taste in my mouth. It has divided our family. You see I never got my 'wedding' and that is a choice I made because of my circumstances and I accept it. I am even less forgiving of this atrocity. It is poor judgement on their part and tacky.
Brothers tacky wedding
