The person I chose as my MOH has been my best friend for years. a few years ago I moved 4 hours away. That never stopped us from staying close. SO... I picked her knowing that maybe she won't be SO hands on as my sister because shes far away, but that she would roll with it when the time came for the important stuff. 1.) the shower 2.) the wedding
This past year we've talked far less than ever, but she seemed ok with everything.
a few days ago she calls me and we talk about the details of the wedding. I tell her that my mom was still willing to pay for her lodging but she's not comfortable paying for her boyfriend (my mother is a pastors wife). I know it's somewhat ancient, but I can understand my moms view. I also tell her that some friends that I had planned on inviting, were not going to be receiving invites due to more family popping up. She kinda freaked out and said how stressed she was and wouldn't commit to a time that I could call her and we could talk this out.
The next day she calls me and says that she can't be in the wedding because of money. This is 6 days before my shower and less than 2 months before my wedding. I don't get it. her dress is already more than half paid for, I'm paying for the girls' hair to be done and my mom was willing to pay for her hotel room for 2 nights. There is nothing else she would have to pay for. However, she says that she does want to go to the wedding. So I say that she would pay more to just attend because she WOULD have to pay for a hotel. She said she would stay at a cheaper hotel or she would just come up for the ceremony. She says that she thinks no matter what, if she was in the bridal party she would end up spending more money. I don't know where? maybe if we go out the night before? But don't you think that she's had a year to plan for this... she could have made this a priority and saved a few bucks to go out with her best friend the night before the wedding?!
SO I was so shocked at this conversation that I just kinda kept quiet and told her she would be getting an invitation. After I thought about it though, I felt very angry but most of all hurt. I don't want her at my wedding. As much as I don't and never did want our friendship to end on a bad note, I just am so discusted with her behavior. She'd rather pay money she "doesn't have" to spend a couple nights with her new boyfriend in a cheap hotel and be a guest with free food and booze than be actively involved in her best friends big day.
Should I invite her to the wedding?
Should I call her and really tell her how I fell?
If I DON'T invite her, do I just not send an invite and just let get the picture on her own and never talk to her again?
This is a tough one, because on one hand, you knew that she is in a relationship and should have thought about paying for his lodging--not leave it to your mother. But, they are not married. So, it is a fine line whether you are responsible for his lodging expense.
It sounds like there is more going on here than just expenses. So, it may be best to allow her to do what she feels comfortable with doing. This is not to say that you don't have a reason to be upset or that you shouldn't discuss this with her. But, we all have our reasons for doing what we do and not everyone can understand as we are all going through our own experiences.
Weigh your relationship with her with her recent actions. Is it worth losing the relationship? This is a decision only you can make.
It is very generous of your mom to pay for any part of your wedding, especially lodging for your brdal party. Why can't you pay for your friend's boyfriend's lodging, even if you aren't technically responsible to do so?
But, I suspect there may be more to it than money. I would suggest a telephone call to your friend. Speak openly and honestly (but carefully) to each other to get to the root of the problem. If she still doesn;t want to be in the wedding then don't push it. You can ask her to attend as a guest. You don't need to have a maid of honor.
I hope this works out for you. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor
I would agree - this is a very tough situation. I can understand how disappointed you are that this doesn't seem important enough to her, but as already suggested, there is probably more going on here. You could have the conversation and ask her and you could also let her know how disappointed you are that she isn't choosing to be the MOH at this point. Bottomline, if you do choose to not invite her it may very well be the end of the friendship so you have to decide if it is important enough to lose your friendship over. Having the discussion before making any decisions would at least give you a chance to understand each other better before proceeding.
Best of Luck. Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach, Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute http://www.stepinstitute.ca
MOH crisis
