I have a best friend from high school that I have lost touch with over the last several years. She lives several hours from home now. The only time I have talked to her is when I put forth effort to contact her. We always said we would be MOH in each other's wedding. And, I was in hers several years ago. However, over the last several years I have became even closer to a family member, closer than I ever was to my best friend from high school.
We are having a very small, private wedding and only inviting immediate family members. (I am talking $1000-$1500 budget.) I would rather have my relative to be my MOH just because I am closer to her than I have ever been to anyone else in my life. But, I do not want my friend to feel as though I am backstabbing her. Although we do not keep in touch regularly, I still want us to have a friendship. I really feel like we won't if I ask my relative. I am going to call my friend and let her know I am getting married, but I don't know if I should just see if she would even be able to make it to the wedding and if not, problem solved. But, if she can, then should I just let it go, and let her stand up for me or should I have the person I feel closest to and the one who will help me with everything?
What a dilemma. You seem like someone who cares deeply about your friendship and your concern is understood. Here are some questions for you to consider. Your answers may help you with sorting out this dilemma.
What does it mean that you could lose a friendship that is supposedly so important if you make a choice that feels right in your heart? In other words, what sort of friendship is it, exactly? What's it based on?
When you operate in your life from a place of trying to make everyone else happy, what is the usual result? And, where does your happiness come into the picture?
What if there were a way to respect and honor your high school friend, while having your current heart-felt connection relative be your MOH?
It is my experience that when I treat my friends with conscious regard and let them know my feelings for them, and share where I am coming from, that they typically understand, fully support me, and are thrilled to be in my life in a way where we can be authentic with each other. On the rare occasion when my "reality" is not well received, I tend to feel "spared" when that person is no longer in my life as they were before. Sometimes we have no idea how much of an emotional or mental drain someone is in our life until they are no longer there.
I'm not saying that this will be the case with your high school friend, as there's only one way to find out. I'm just offering different scenarios.
This is your wedding, your life, and you are making decisions for your future. Setting an intention to create what you want the way you want it will have a positive impact on your future marriage, especially if you present your desires from a place of grace and respect.
Blessings to you and your groom. Emily Bouchard, MSSW, Life Coach, Speaker, and Trainer
You know, many times we have high school or college friends that we have fond memories of but seem to almost outgrow. Please don't feel uncomfortable asking someone you are closer to now. After all, she is family and will probably be a part of your life forever; friends sometimes aren't.
BTW...you CAN have 2 MOH. This is a growing trend for those who cannot decide like yourself. If one is married and the other is unmarried then they can be maid and matron of honor. You should let your family member know what you're doing and why though. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
You are both absolutely right. Thank you so much for taking the time to try to help sort my problem out. You confirmed what I already knew in my heart. Now I just have to figure out if I even call to let my friend know that I intend to get married this year, or just let it go because, honestly, it will probably be a few years before we even talk again. It has been at least two already.
Let me ask your advice on one more thing. We know that we will marry this year, but we haven't set a date. It really won't take much to put together because as soon as we tell the family when and where, they will be there. I don't intend to contact anyone else out of town to let them know either because our immediate family is here. I don't know if this sounds awful, but I really wouldn't be disappointed if she wasn't there because we are so out of touch. Would I be wrong to not contact my friend? Or would I be out of line just to tell her the next time we are in contact? That is what I plan on doing with other friends and family that are in-town and out-of-town. But, I don't want to be rude about the situation.
I think your friend would be more hurt finding out later that you didn't even tell he you were getting married. If you really don't want to invite her you might want to think about sending her a letter letting her know that you are getting married but that you will be having a very intimate gathering of just family (if you want to blame it on the budget).
If you do not care to continue the friendship then forgetting to invite her will surely make that happen.
Perhaps you could send a wedding announcement like this:
We announce with joy that on YOUR WEDDING DATE we united our hearts and joined our families in Holy Matrimony in a private ceremony in YOUR LOCATION As our friend, you were with us in our thoughts and prayers We look forward to celebrating our happiness with you soon.
BRIDE'S NAME GROOM'S NAME Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
I truly live by the old saying -- treat others like you'd like to be treated. What would you like her to do if the situation was reversed? What would feel most respectful?
And, again, is avoidance a strategy you use in your life? Something to look at for you in terms of a pattern. My sense is that by not telling her yourself, before hand, you're leaving the door open for her to find out from someone else and to really have her feelings hurt that you didn't think highly enough of your past relationship to tell her yourself.
My stepdaughter recently heard through a mutual friend that her best school chum was getting married, small wedding, out of state, etc. and she was still so hurt and confused about why her old friend wouldn't take the time to tell her about it herself.
The reason I asked about the possibility of a pattern is because I often coach people around this issue. Are you familiar with the phrase: How you do anything is how you do everything? You may want to notice how avoiding potentially painful, emotional encounters has actually cost you in your life. What have the results been in the past? And, how would you have wished someone had treated you in similar situations?
Food for thought. Emily Bouchard, MSSW, Life Coach, Speaker, and Trainer
Thanks again. And, I do agree with you. Avoidance is not a habit of mine, I do not like it. I do treat others the way I like to be treated, but when the relationship has been one-sided for sooo many years, I tend to not try as hard. I have made effort to travel out of town to see her and her family on a few different occasions. And, I used to call her quite frequently. When I called her last year, she was possibly going to be moving even further from home, but didn't know at the time. I don't even know if she still lives where she used to. I occasionally stop by and visit her parents who still live in town. I have been through a lot of serious medical issues over the last few years that she knew about and she is the only friend that never called me. She never and I mean never puts forth the effort to contact me. Even when she comes to town to visit her parents, I will find out about it later when others will ask if I saw her and I never knew she was even home. And, she does take time to visit other friends because when I run into them, they will ask if I talked to her. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't have any dislike for her or hold a grudge. I just got tired of being upset and stressed and just accepted that our friendship just wasn't a close one anymore. And, I haven't had any second thoughts about it until now.
When she got married, she didn't tell anyone that she did it until months later and I wasn't mad at her at all, not even a little. I was happy for her that she was that happy with the guy. And, they did renew their vows later and I was the MOH and there were no other bridesmaids. And, even though we have drifted apart, I just still felt an obligation in my head even though that is not what I feel in my heart.
I have not told my relative yet that she is the one I want to stand up for me. But, I am. I just have to call my friend to let her know that we will be getting married. I don't think there is any way around hurting her feelings. And, I do still care about hurting her because I do care for her even though she hasn't shown me the same. But, I just don't feel as though she should be my MOH - she is never there for me for good times or bad, but the one I am going to ask is ALWAYS there. She's already waiting on me to let her know when we are going shopping for my dress and she hasn't even thought anything about being MOH. I guess what sounded like avoidance was more should I feel obligated to take the time to notify her since she has not given even 40% to our friendship. Am I wrong for feeling the way I do about my friend?
Of course you are not wrong for how you feel, and if I gave you that impression, I apologize. Your feelings are valid and you have the right to ask who you want to be your MOH -- no questions asked. You don't need to justify or explain anything to anyone.
By choosing to call your friend, you are saying that you respect her enough to let her know from you that you are getting married, so that she doesn't hear it from someone else. If you'd prefer not to, that's fine too. And, she'll have whatever she has about it.
Why is there such a need to avoid hurting the feelings of someone who, by your account, has hurt yours on numerous occasions? And why so much focused energy and attention in her direction when planning for your future?
My sense is that there's some unfinished business between the two of you that you may be wanting to clear before you get married. Just what I'm getting from what you've written. Emily Bouchard, MSSW, Life Coach, Speaker, and Trainer
MOH dilemma
