I am one of 4 Bridesmaids in a wedding this November. The MOH who is in a her first wedding, decided to throw a bridal shower with a 70 person guest list at an expensive restaurant without consulting the bridal party and then sent each bridesmaid a bill for a few hundred dollars. This amount was split evenly between her and the four of us. This was the first I even heard of the bridal shower and up to this point was not even aware that the entire bridal party was hosting the shower. Moreover, she booked the entire event and planned the whole thing without consulting anyone. I confronted her about the bill and told her it was presumptuous to assume we would all pay for a party we did not plan or discuss. I told her I unfortunately could not afford the amount she was asking but would help out in any other way such as volunteering my time, my car, etc. I also told her I had to be honest that I was unhappy that she made decisions without consulting me and then sent me a bill for a party that I was never asked to host. She told me that it is expected that the entire bridal party throw a shower and I should have known this when I agreed to be in the wedding. I told her if I had been asked to do so or offered that was one thing but the bridesmaids are not expected to throw a shower. She then proceeded to tell the mother of the bride that I was unwilling to participate and other nasty and untrue rumors about me have since circulated.
Am I wrong in this situation? I still volunteered my time and told her I would contribute the small financial amount that I can but the bridesmaids are not expected to throw the bridal shower, right? Or at least they should be consulted first?
I would greatly appreciate your help because I am in the middle of a firestorm!
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
May 23, 2008, 2:28 PM
Post #2 of 5
(371 views)
Re: [ACN] MOH expecting bridesmaids to pay for shower
[In reply to]
Dear ACN,
Please send your MOH and firestorm here or to any reputable etiquette book. You are correct in your assumptions. She was incredibly impolite and hosted an improper event. We don't, or at least we shouldn't, host a bridal shower that large. Jeez, it appears as if it is a reception or that the couple is very greedy and wants many gifts--double gift dipping. Hopefully it was gift-less, but I would assume with her lack of knowledge about etiquette, it was not.
I hope you can guide all here. We will set them on the right road and put out the fires--well, at least this one.
Re: [Etiquette Now] MOH expecting bridesmaids to pay for shower
[In reply to]
I sure will!
Unfortunately the 70 person guest list is a gift expected event. I was appalled when I learned the size but that is the list the bride gave to her. The MOH tried to argue that this is a shower size is the norm. This is one thing I know not be true. Now you see why I told her I can't afford the extraordinary cost!
The MOH wants us to meet in a few weeks to discuss the bachelorette party and she plans on addressing the other shower details such as cost of flowers, decorations, food, etc. with the bridal party. Since I told her I'm not contributing the full amount, how do you suggest I handle this when the costs are brought up in front of everyone and my input is asked on ordering these items? I have to attend since other bridesmaid duties are being discussed. It puts me in a very uncomfortable position as I will have to announce to the rest of the bridal party that I am not paying for the shower (I believe the rest of the girls decided to pay for it instead of put up a fight). Any further thoughts?
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
May 23, 2008, 4:02 PM
Post #4 of 5
(365 views)
Re: [ACN] MOH expecting bridesmaids to pay for shower
[In reply to]
This will most likely be uncomfortable, because basically you will be implying that she doesn't know what is proper or polite. But, it is what it is. Perhaps the other ladies will welcome your candidness though.
You could inform her that you have been doing your homework by reading etiquette books and visiting this site, which focuses on the real deal etiquette--not a high-five, do whatever makes you happy chat room. Then you could state that you learned that all of these parties are optional and all planning and budget issues must be approved by the entire body of hosts before it is put into affect.
Plus, the argument that the reason for a mega party is because the bride gave her a list of 70 to invite doesn't hold water. The bride may offer her this many names, but the host (s) sets the number of guests she/they will host, which shouldn't be over 35 max. So, it was her decision, but should have been a decision made by all of you.
Just because she is the MOH doesn't mean that she is given permission to force any of you to spend money or host parties you don't want to. Hopefully she will listen to you or read what is considered proper and polite. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
TWQadmin
FORUM EXPERT
/ Moderator
May 23, 2008, 5:06 PM
Post #5 of 5
(364 views)
Re: [ACN] MOH expecting bridesmaids to pay for shower
[In reply to]
Remind the MOH, in front of the rest of the bridal party (who may actually thank you for taming the beast on their behalf) that you have already warned her that the guest list is too long and that you cannot afford such an extravagant event. Go prepared with the budget in mind and give her an exact dollar amount you can afford. Perhaps offer to do some extra work that won't cost you any money to seem more like a team player. Not that I'm saying you should seem like you agree with all of this though. Have you tried speaking to the other ladies to get their position?
Good luck with MOH-zilla! Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on May 23, 2008, 5:07 PM)
MOH expecting bridesmaids to pay for shower
