I was chosen to be the maid of honor in a best friend's wedding, a position I was quite excited to accept. Naturally, she chose me because we have been through a lot together, have known each other since childhood, been through serious illness concerning her, and have confided in each other. Yet, recently, I heard through 'the grapevine' that she has chosen another girl (we'll call her Sally) to be maid of honor. (I've never heard of there being two maids of honor [there is already a matron], and was wondering, since we’re on the topic, if that is okay by guidelines of etiquette?)
Like I said, I heard through others that the bride had placed Sally in the same rank of honor as me. Sally barely knows the bride, and besides having a few phone conversations and dating the bride’s brother, has barely even met her, with the exception of a few times by introduction. I know that this is the bride’s nosey, bossy mother (who is a friend of Sally’s) doing this, she is persuading the bride to place Sally in the wedding. (Another thing I should mention is the fact that the bride is slightly mentally handicapped, due to seizures suffered as a child…I feel that is why the mother is so domineering and advantage-taking. The way the mother works disgusts me.) I can understand the mother wanting to ‘take control,’ but the bride is 28, and fully capable of making her own decisions regarding her bridal party. Upon hearing about the second maid of honor, I confronted the bride, asking her about it, and she confirmed it. I was blown away, and, needless to say, very, very hurt. I couldn’t believe that she would place Sally up there with me. I am not jealous, nor am I greedy. I just can’t get over the fact that she barely knows Sally and is making her a maid of honor, allowing her to walk in before me, with the best man, and letting her stand the closest, attending to her dress/bouquet. The best man (the bride’s brother who dated Sally) also happens to be one of my good friends, and doesn’t even want to walk in with Sally, he can’t stand her. He told me himself that he preferred me.
I am lost as to how to handle this. Should I keep quiet, and be forced to share the title of “Maid of Honor” with someone the bride and I barely know? Or should I graciously step down, and offer to be a regular maid? If she says she wants me to stay a Maid of Honor against my wishes, should I just completely back out? I don’t want to hurt her, but I don’t want a showdown with the bossy mother. My parents think I should back out…but I don’t really want to back out completely. It’s just that losing that position would really hurt…Please, please help me!
(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on Sep 28, 2005, 8:52 PM)
TWQadmin
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Sep 28, 2005, 8:51 PM
Post #2 of 15
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Re: [jodilane2000] Double Maid of Honor crisis!!
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Has the bride asked you to step down or told you she has replaced you with Sally? Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Etiquette Now
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Sep 29, 2005, 11:01 AM
Post #3 of 15
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Re: [jodilane2000] More than one maid of honor?
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Your first questions was if it was 'etiquettely' correct to have more than one Maid of Honor. Yes, that is common. But, you also said that she also has a Matron of Honor. Honestly, I have never heard of anyone having three honor attendants. I'm not sure how this will work.
You also said that Sally will be in the same position as you. Why will she be walking before you and attending to her bouquet? Is this the mother deciding this? If you two are the same status, the duties and honors would be shared. What will the Matron of Honor do? Very confusing.
None of us can tell you whether you should step down or not. This is something only you can decide. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
jodilane2000
Sep 29, 2005, 11:37 AM
Post #4 of 15
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Re: [TWQadmin] Double Maid of Honor crisis!!
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No, she hasn't asked me to step down...she hasn't said she's replaced me, either.
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Sep 29, 2005, 11:46 AM
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Re: [jodilane2000] Double Maid of Honor crisis!!
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So then why not just go along with the plans as they are now? I'm having trouble seeing the issue. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
jodilane2000
Sep 29, 2005, 11:49 AM
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Re: [Et.byRebecca] More than one maid of honor?
[In reply to]
I have never heard of three honor attendants, myself. That is another reason I am so confused as to how to handle this.
Yes, this is the overbearing mother deciding all of this. I don't know why they are placing her before me with the best man, along with giving her the duties. I feel I would just be standing there, looking stupid, while the guests would be wondering what I was doing/supposed to be doing.
Yes, I figured the duties would be shared, but that falls back onto the Matron, and the three attendants problem. Apparently, the mother has never heard of the fact that you can't have three attending to the bride. I suppose, right now, the Matron will just carry the title, and have no real duties (?)(The Matron is the bride's sister-in-law.)
I am completely lost.
I agree with you on the fact that this is quite confusing.
jodilane2000
Sep 29, 2005, 11:53 AM
Post #7 of 15
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Re: [TWQadmin] Double Maid of Honor crisis!!
[In reply to]
I suppose the issue is that there is already a Matron of Honor chosen, and you just can't have three attendants. It would be confusing.
And, the fact that the bride barely knows Sally and the mother wanting to place her on the same rank of honor as me. I know that I can't change what the mother wants, after all, it's her daughter's wedding, not mine.
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Sep 29, 2005, 11:57 AM
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Re: [jodilane2000] More than one maid of honor?
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I doubt any of the guests would notice, or realize, who all of the players are or if they would even care. Don't worry about your title -- just be supportive of your friend. She seems to mean a lot to you and obviously considers your friendship to be valuable.
So, during the whole "planning process", simply ask the bride what she expects from you and I think you'll be fine. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on Sep 29, 2005, 11:58 AM)
Etiquette Now
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Sep 29, 2005, 12:03 PM
Post #9 of 15
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Re: [jodilane2000] More than one maid of honor?
[In reply to]
I agree. The titles really won't mean a thing. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
jodilane2000
Sep 29, 2005, 12:12 PM
Post #10 of 15
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Re: [Et.byRebecca] More than one maid of honor?
[In reply to]
I hope not. I was just hurt by the fact that she let her mom place her up there with me like that. Like I said, I'm not jealous. Jealousy, to me, is quite childish.
Sally has never stayed with the bride, never visited her in the hospital, never aided her through a seizure, never bought gifts for her. But, I guess I'll get over it, and, like you said, support the bride. I'm glad you said that, because that's what being her friend is all about, anyways, regardless of where I thought she once placed me and where she places me now. I'll just let her chose who attends to her, who sits beside her at the brides table, and such. Considering there are currently three of us, one of us will have to stand back, anyways.
Thank you both SO MUCH for your advice. You've really helped me out and opened my eyes a bit.
TWQadmin
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Sep 29, 2005, 12:16 PM
Post #11 of 15
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Re: [jodilane2000] More than one maid of honor?
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As you said, your friend has a bit of a disability so remember, these decisions aren't really being made by your friend. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
jodilane2000
Sep 29, 2005, 12:20 PM
Post #12 of 15
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Re: [TWQadmin] More than one maid of honor?
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Right, of course. She knows how she feels about me, that's all that should matter.
Thank you, again! Hope your day is wonderful.
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Sep 29, 2005, 12:21 PM
Post #13 of 15
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Re: [jodilane2000] More than one maid of honor?
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Exactly! Glad to help. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
NJBridesmaid
Oct 3, 2005, 6:05 AM
Post #14 of 15
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Re: [jodilane2000] More than one maid of honor?
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Before a college friends wedding, I had never heard of more than 2 honary attendants. But then she got married and had a matron of honor AND 3 maids of honor! I thought that was the wierdest thing. Turns out from what one of the maid of honors said, she wanted to make sure that they all shared responsiblity for her shower. I guess she didn't know that even if they were bridesmaids they do tend to split the cost anyway.
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Oct 3, 2005, 6:36 AM
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Re: [NJBridesmaid] More than one maid of honor?
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Your friend might have been shocked to discover that the bridal shower is an optional event and the bridal party is not obligated to host this party.
While is may be necessary to select more than one honor attendant please remember that if all bridesmaids are deemed honor attendants it really dimminishes the honor, doesn't it? Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
More than one maid of honor?
