Hi. I am new to this site and was hoping to look for some encouraging words or advice from some of you out there.
I don't even know where to begin.
I am currently the MOH in my friend's wedding. Actually I am quite surprised (and honoured) I was asked. I was shocked because she passed over her sister (who she is close to) and many other female cousins.
When she asked me I immediately said yes, but also explained that I was about to start Grad school, so school was number one, but that I would dedicate as much time as I could to the wedding. Immediately I began compiling information, looking online for advice, duties ... etc. I basically compiled a folder of information for my reference and hers.
We have chosen our dresses, which I was a part of, are arranging the stag and doe at the moment. I have been involved in major decision making issues, but she wants me there for everything ... from choosing invitations, choosing stag and doe tickets, buying the booze (from my own pocket). I really don't think it is my place to choose invitations for her, but she constantly sent me catalogues. I also (and neither does the wedding party) have the money to buy the alcohol for the stag. I keep telling her that the money made from ticket sales goes towards this, but she wants the wedding party to fork out a lot more than was originally discussed.
I have scheduled days with her to go out and run errands ... she ends up cancelling these dates with me because she is tired or doesn't feel like it. That is fine, I accept that, but then again, I have so few days off that when I can't reschedule (ie- because of exams) she flies off the handle.
I kindly said to her a few weeks ago, you told me you were fine with the fact that I was at school, I have attempted to throw her a shower (which she decided she didn't want), help her de-stress and I have given her places of where to get discounts on invitations, cakes, good places for the reception etc. All in all, from what I know of my duties, I have done what I can so far. All of my ideas or suggestions have been shot down. Not to mention I overheard other bridesmaids badmouthing the fact that I was chosen as MOH over her sister and cousins. This has made it difficult to organize the other 9 bridesmaids in the party. (Yes I did say 9)
She wants weekly get togethers with the wedding party, and when people can't make it due to work or other things going on in their lives, she gets really mad.
She now wants to give away TVs, DVDs ... etc away for prizes at the stag and doe and the wedding party are supposed to supply this.
I don't quite have the budget for this, nor does the rest of the wedding party. I am increasingly getting stressed because she calls or emails me each week telling me I am not doing enough - she is really sarcastic and hurtful about it. To tell you the truth, I am doing so much that there are tensions in my own relationship, I am finding assignments are being done last minute ... all because of someone else's wedding. I am also in the process of getting engaged myself.
I have tried to be there, I have tried to take her out for lunch or shopping to de-stress her. She is not interested. She is getting more and more negative about this whole process, I am finding it difficult to handle. I am in tears more than she is. There is just no way to make her happy
My question is ... when do you know you have had enough? When do you call it quits? What do you even say in this situation?
I have tried not to talk too much about my own stressful situation because she has enough on her plate ... but I don't want to end up on prozac because of this!!!!! :)
I am at my wit's end, but feel it is too late to back out (end of July is the wedding). I do know from speaking to the best man that he feels exactly the same way I do ... as do a few others in the party.
Please help! Any advice would be helpful.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Jill
Psychotherapist: Second Weddings & Stepfamilies
Mar 31, 2005, 10:15 AM
Post #2 of 7
(2504 views)
Re: [maidofhonour] The wedding from hell, MOH needs advice!
[In reply to]
I have never heard of any situation quite like this .... it has really got out of hand. Why not look to the best man to join forces to call a halt to all this nonsence. The stress is enough to make you ill - so try talking to the bride in a direct way otherwise it will escalate beyond belief. Jill Curtis Psychotherapist, Author How to Get Married ... Again (A Guide to Second Weddings) London, UK http://www.familyonwards.com
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Mar 31, 2005, 11:49 AM
Post #3 of 7
(2499 views)
Re: [maidofhonour] The wedding from hell, MOH needs advice!
[In reply to]
Dear MOH,
I just read it and wanted to run. Now would be the time to bail. The demands she had placed on you and the others is unreasonable and down right abusive. If you value the friendship at all, I agree with Jill that an immediate intervention is in order.
Side note: I can't be the only one who feels that selling tickets to an event such as this is distasteful. It would be much better to scale down the event to one that is affordable. And, giving away large items at this event, which all of you are to purchase, is beyond belief.
Your education is more important than this bizarre bridezilla extravaganza.
Re: [Jill] The wedding from hell, MOH needs advice!
[In reply to]
Oh God yes...this bridal shower reeks of distaste! What an event! I agree with everyone here and also suggest that you get this bride on a leash, and fast, before you're all broke and embarassed!
Seriuosly, this friend needs a wake up call, if not from you, then from someone very clode to her. What is the groom and the rest of the family saying? If you know any of these players perhaps one of them can take this lady aside and tell it to her straight.
Good Luck! Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
coach4couples
COUPLES COUNSELOR
Mar 31, 2005, 11:17 PM
Post #5 of 7
(2483 views)
Re: [TWQadmin] The wedding from hell, MOH needs advice!
[In reply to]
I'd like to take TWQAdmin's response a step further.
Instead of finding one person to take the bride aside, I recommend that you get with the best man, and arrange a gathering of the entire bridal party, minus the bride and groom. Have a sharing circle where everyone is given the chance to share their experiences, their hurts, anger, frustrations, etc. Let everyone know that whatever they say is fine, and that there will be no repercussions. Have a pact that what is said in that circle stays in the circle.
Then, once everyone's had a chance to share their misgivings, have each of you share what you love and enjoy about the bride and groom.
After that, go around once more and have each of you share an idea about how to handle this out of control behavior so that the bride and groom are still honored, and you all are not stressed beyond belief.
Out of that sharing, there's sure to be an idea that works and that you can all feel good about. With 9 of you, you'll have a lot of great minds working together to solve one horrible situation that could just get uglier and uglier.
I wish you well! Emily Bouchard, MSSW, Life Coach, Speaker, and Trainer
maidofhonour
Apr 1, 2005, 6:33 AM
Post #6 of 7
(2476 views)
Re: [maidofhonour] The wedding from hell, MOH needs advice!
[In reply to]
Thank you to all who replied. I just wanted to ensure that I wasn't imagining things and that this truly is a horrible situation. Since this is/was my first experience in a wedding party (and the last might I add), I didn't know if this was normal or what.
I have already made myself sick twice over this.
I have tried to contact the wedding party on numerous occasions and no one gets back to me on it. I can't organize anything with them and I do have good leadership qualities!
The best man and I have been in contact about this situation. He doesn't feel good about the way things are going, and I think he may drop out eventually.
Last night I received the nastiest email from the bride's sister, which led me to the decision to get out ASAP. I can't handle this stress and constant worrying over a wedding that isn't even mine.
I have now decided to back out, return all gifts, keep my dress I have already order and go back to a virtually stress free life. My Masters degree, relationship and other parts of my life are far more important than this disasterous wedding.
Thanks to everyone who replied for keeping things in perspective.
ps. my wedding is pretty much planned, will be on budget, will be stress free and I have decided to have only one member on each side of the wedding party - lesson learned! :)
TWQadmin
FORUM EXPERT
/ Moderator
Apr 1, 2005, 8:03 AM
Post #7 of 7
(2472 views)
Re: [maidofhonour] The wedding from hell, MOH needs advice!
[In reply to]
Sounds like you have made a good decision for yourself. I hope your friend can learn a lesson from all of this as well.
Good luck with your wedding and please feel free to come back to discuss your own wedding planning questions, if need be. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
The wedding from hell, MOH needs advice!
Re: [maidofhonour] The wedding from hell, MOH needs advice!
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