bridesmaids not speaking and 1 says she can't afford flight
Back in October of last year I asked 2 of my friends, both of whom I work with, to be in my wedding. About a month ago the two of them stopped speaking. One of them (Girl A) is mad at the other because she(Girl B) did not want to drive to destination vs. flying (my wedding is in NY, we live in FL), and also because Girl B was interested in a new boyfriend and did not hang out for a while. It is now 6 weeks from my wedding date and there is a palpable tension between them at work. Girl A rolls her eyes when Girl B says anything. Girl B has tried to send messages to and call Girl A and she doesn;t answer. They are supposed to be planning my bachelorette party together and, if they both were to go, they would be staying in the same room at my Mom and Dad's house. Girl A tells me not to worry, that she will be "civil" at my wedding. I am already under extreme stress trying to plan a wedding 1500 miles away and I really can't take the extra stress of 2 people in my bridal party fighting. Now, to top it all off, Girl A tells me she can't afford the flight to NY and she wants to ride up with my fiancee and me. I told her that we do not have any room in the car and that he and I neeeded some alone time. She has been avoiding me, and I wrote her a letter telling her my feelings and offered to, if she could not afford to go, buy her dress from her for my sister to take her place and to reimburse her for her shoes. I also explained that it was very stressful for me to be in the middle of 2 feuding bridesmaids and that I do not want that kind of negativity around me on my wedding day. Now she is not answering my phone calls or messages. She is a very sensitive person (I am too). Am I being unreasonable to expect that she should be able to afford a plane ticket 6 weeks before the event? (she has known for 9 months). She is not very good with money and we are afraid she may bail at the last minute, not on purpose, but all good intentions. Should I ask her to step down for both reasons combined?
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edited by TWQadmin on Jun 13, 2008, 7:46 PM)
TWQadmin
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Jun 13, 2008, 7:50 PM
Post #2 of 7
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Re: bridesmaids not speaking and 1 says she can't afford flight
[In reply to]
No. Don't replace her because the person who you'll ask to replace her could feel like second best. Let your friend be. If she doesn't show, there's no need to replace her. The number of bridesmaids doesn't have to match with the number of groomsmen. If she shows up, hopefully the two of them can get along or at least ignore each other enough so they don't spoil your day. Let a few family members and friends know what's up and maybe they can "babysit" and keep the two of them from fussing.
Have a wonderful trip. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
rput4
Jun 13, 2008, 8:08 PM
Post #3 of 7
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Re: bridesmaids not speaking and 1 says she can't afford flight
[In reply to]
I have 2 sisters, one of which is the MOH, who lives in Boston, and my other sister who has 4 children, 3 of whom are in the wedding. My sister with the children told me when I was deciding on attendants that she did not really need to be in the ceremony unless I really wanted her to. At the time I had already asked my 2 friends and my fiancee wants an even amount of attendants and only wanted 3, so I figured it worked. Since then, I have kind of regretted not having my sister in the wedding, my brother and other sister are in it and I want her to be in my bridal pictures. I told my mother about this situation with my bridesmaids and she took it upon herself to ask my sister if she would fill in if needed and she said she would be happy to, so the asking of another person is not a problem, I would just need time to get the dress altered. I am VERY stressed already and I am sure that on the day of my wedding it is going to be much worse. When I am around the 2 of my friends together I feel a horrible tension and get a nervous pit in my stomach. I am just trying to protect my state of mind on my wedding day. Should I still let it go? I love my friend, but want to avoid any potential trouble on what should be the happiest day of my life thus far. I have to work with her tomorrow and she is not answering my calls tonight,any advice on what to say? I really thank you for your advice, I don't know where to turn
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edited by rput4 on Jun 13, 2008, 8:18 PM)
TWQadmin
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Jun 13, 2008, 10:14 PM
Post #4 of 7
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Re: bridesmaids not speaking and 1 says she can't afford flight
[In reply to]
What a mess. I suggest you find a way to speak to this friend honestly. If you have to work with her tomorrow, make an effort to approach her and insist that the two of you speak. If need be, take her to lunch. I still would not ask her to step down, though. However, once you tell her how you're feeling (use words like "I feel" rather than "you're making me feel" so she feels less threatened) perhaps she will either step up to the plate and act like an adult or she might even offer to step down. But, if you ask her to step down you must realize that the relationship will be in jeopardy and your work place climate will be forever stressed.
Even though the groom wants the sides to be even, he may have to accept it. That is so much less important than relationships. I'm sorry that you're having second thoughts and wishing you made different choices, but you didn't and unfortunately it's late in the game to be changing players. Unless, of course, your friend offers to step down. But even that scenario could have repercussions. Again, I would try to stick with the original line-up and if you cannot speak to your friend and she doesn't show for you so be it. The wedding will not be hurt and the two of you can still get married. Try to focus on the big picture and not the small details like uneven attendant lines.
I wish you the best. Let us know how this works out. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Jun 14, 2008, 1:49 PM
Post #5 of 7
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Re: bridesmaids not speaking and 1 says she can't afford flight
[In reply to]
I agree completely. I too believe that it is best to offer her a way out but not drop her. Hopefully she will make the right choice for you. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
PremaritalCoach
MARRIAGE/FAMILY COUNSELOR
Jun 16, 2008, 1:19 PM
Post #6 of 7
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Re: bridesmaids not speaking and 1 says she can't afford flight
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I am continously amazed at how people can act during a time that should be the most happy. Individuals can be so self-centered, but, I have always believed and suggested that the bride and groom can and should be fairly self-centered at their wedding. This is within limits of course, but this day is about them.
My wife had two feuding bridesmaids at her wedding and she finally told them both, separately, that she was having a hard time with all the pressure of the wedding, that they were going to have to work things out, and that she needed some support. They do not talk to each other any more, but they both continue to talk to her.
As a slight aside and as you may already know -- from a relational point of view, your first allegiance pretty much is now, and always should be, especially after the wedding, to your husband. You are marrying him and you both should try to be on the same page. Your friends will come and go, but your husband will be with you for the rest of your life.
Telling others how you feel, while not accusing them is essential. You must also set boundaries with everyone and this might be a good example. The boundary of enjoying the drive up with your finance is important. If your friend cannot afford the flight, that might be your out. I am not sure if you can ever expect a person to be someone they are not and if she is not good with money and/or with confrontation, she might not be able to be the person you need her to be.
Be strong, be kind, and you will have a great day.
(This post was
edited by PremaritalCoach on Jun 16, 2008, 3:18 PM)
rput4
Jun 16, 2008, 6:43 PM
Post #7 of 7
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Re: bridesmaids not speaking and 1 says she can't afford flight
[In reply to]
I spoke with my bridesmaid today at lunch and we talked honestly about the situation and she decided she did not have the money for a flight and did not know if she would have it in such a short time and opted to step down. She is not mad at all. I accepted her decision and told her I was not mad( I am not) and that I would buy her dress and shoes from her. I think things are ok, I spoke with my sister and she is happy to fill in and I am going to send her the dress to get any needed alterations. My stomach feels a little better anyway, I am sorry it had to work out this way, but glad it is resolved. I sincerely want to thank all of you for your sage advice and honesty. I may call on you again. You are a big help to frazzled brides everywhere I am sure.
bridesmaids not speaking and 1 says she can't afford flight
