Thank you for taking the time to read this. I had no idea weddings were so complicated.
Before realizing that the bridal attendants were supposed to pay for the shower/luncheon, I offered my maid of honor a certain amount of money to cover the cost of the lunch, which is to be the day before an out-of-town wedding. She has accepted the money and is making all of the arrangements and coordinating and hostessing everything so the actual event will be a surprise for me.
I did this because the wedding is to be out of town and it will have to be in a restaurant, rather than a private home, which is more expensive. 3 of my 4 bridesmaids don't make a lot of money and are already buying dresses, and I didn't want them to bear this additional expense. I have not yet discussed this with the MOH, but I originally thought that I'd send the MOH the money in advance because I didn't think the others should know I am paying for that meal, and I feel this is especially so now that I've learned that showers are NOT supposed to be thrown by the bride.
I also made this decision before realizing that I'm supposed to take the bridesmaids to lunch before the wedding. Oops! Because I'm having an afternoon wedding, I was thinking that we'd all go out to breakfast that morning, and if it was just the 5 of us, I'd be fine with footing the bill for that as well, but there are 4 other close friends who will also be in from out of town, and we are all part of the same group of friends and so I really must invite them, and I know that everyone concerned will want them there.
Also, I know these friends are already dissapointed not to be bridesmaids (My groom is only having 2 attendants, and to be fair I chose the 2 women I've known the longest, along with two of my other closest friends.) So now the breakfast has almost doubled in size and I'm probably spending too much money. I don't want to exclude the other friends, nor do I want to bring attention to the fact that they're not bridesmaids by paying for breakfast for 4 and not the others. Should I just buy everyone's breakfast? Or, is there a polite way to communicate around this?
Actually, this is a bit of a mess and very confusing. It really shouldn't be a shower this close to the wedding, you paying for it, and for it to include mostly your attendants. It is like you are asking each of your attendants for a shower gift, which I'm sure isn't the case. It couldn't be a bridal luncheon (which would have been appropriate), because you are including others who are not attendants.
The attendants are not required to host or pay for a shower (or any pre-wedding party). The shower is an optional party. So, there really was no reason to give money to anyone to host it for you--your intentions where good, though. If your attendants couldn't afford it, it shouldn't have been hosted. Plus, this is a party where those close to you are invited to help celebrate your upcoming wedding. Guests should feel as if they are a part of it. Attendants attend it, but they aren't your only guests. So, this is very confusing.
The only thing I can think of that could possibly make this even seem appropriate is to remove the gift element from the luncheon. A bridal luncheon is often a time when the bride gives her gift to her attendants and the bridesmaids could give the bride their wedding gift to her. But, this wouldn't be appropriate in this case. Nor, should this be a shower.
Now, to your question--if these women are invited, the person who invites them pays. The simple rule is: you invite, you pay. I'm sorry. This may be costly.
Thank you, and my goodness. Why does it seem at every turn weddings are about gift giving when it should be about people loving each other and celebrating love together?
The reason for having this girl's event the day before the ceremony is because most of my friends are scattered all over the country and I didn't want people to feel they had to travel for two events, and I certainly didn't think it would involve gifts. We're actually being very careful to invite people to things only if we know they can attend (and who we're clost to) so we avoid seeming like we're fishing for gifts from random relatives.
The groom will be golfing with all of his buddies that day and so I'll have all of the women who are attending the wedding to myself. It isn't mostly attendants. It's about 15-20 women, 5 of which are in the bridal party (myself included).
We're actually renting a property for three days so half of our wedding guests will be staying there with us, and we are providing breakfast each day for everyone. (People are paying for their own share of the rental for their rooms). I'm having the bridesmaids either there for an extra night at my expense, or having them stay with a friend who lives next door at no expense to anyone.)
Do you think that because of the lunch the day before, the bridesmaids and I can have breakfast at the property the day of the ceremony and then I'll take just the bridesmaids (and only the bridesmaids, I promise) out to get their hair done instead of having lunch the day of the ceremony?
I was under the impression that shower gifts were generally silly things, not serious gifts, so I really wasn't thinking any of this had anything to do with gift giving at all. I'd rather forgo the edible panties that a friend received at her recent shower. So maybe the best thing to do would be to be unconventional (and honest) and word the invitation to lunch this way:
While we're all out here together in XX, I wanted to have a girl's day with all of you, my closest friends and relatives, so that the women I love best have the chance to get to know one another better and to celebrate being women together. So I'm inviting everyone out to a scrumptious lunch. My MOH has generously taken the task of organizing this lunch off of the hands of a very busy bride so please RSVP to her.
You have the right focus! Yes, that would be very appropriate. It was the shower/luncheon that threw me. As long as it isn't a shower, you are fine.
Shower gifts should be less expensive than wedding gifts and yet some expect way too much from their showers. So, you just never know these days. I'm just glad the gift-less shower is becoming more popular. It puts the focus right back to where you say it should be.
complicated bridal luncheon
