I am not sure how to handle my maid of honor. She has been a close friend since preschool, and I am still close to her now as we are preparing to graduate college. However, she has recently been acting like being my maid of honor is a burden. She was very excited when I asked her, and I thought she would be a great help. A week ago, I called to make sure she still wanted to help make invitations. She said that she had changed her mind and was going to watch a movie with her boyfriend (who is my fiancee's brother) instead, since she was on spring break. She already knew that the day we scheduled was my only day off that week. Naturally, I went ahead and worked on the invites myself. I called her the next day and told her not to worry, they were done and it wasn't that big of a deal. (Even though it took five hours.) She said she would help address them, and we set a date. However, the next day she brought the invites to my house and told me that she was really stressed and that I needed to do them myself if I wanted them to get done. She then told me that I had called her every day that week (this was on a Wednesday) and that she was really stressed and needed space and would appreciate it if I wouldn't call, text, email, or try to talk to her "for a while." This really hurt my feelings, in addition to making me angry. I didn't argue, I just said okay. The problem is, I only have six weeks until my wedding! I work 30 hours a week, am taking 16 college credit hours (a more than full load), I just bought a house, I have bills to pay, and to top it off, I have an eleven month old to take care of! She only works 8 hours a week and goes to classes two days. Now I also have to do all my wedding planning without her. Should I designate jobs to other people and hope she talks to me soon, or should I ask her to step down? I don't want my maid of honor to feel forced to be in my wedding, but since she is dating my fiancee's brother (pretty seriously) I'm not sure what the implications would be of asking her to give up the position. She is really controlling of my future brother-in-law and my fiancee and I are afraid she would try to convince him not to be in the wedding either (he's best man). He wouldn't quit the wedding, but it would make his life difficult, and I don't want to put him in that position.
(This post was
edited by nrigel on Mar 31, 2008, 7:20 PM)
TWQadmin
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Apr 1, 2008, 9:33 AM
Post #2 of 5
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Re: [nrigel] maid of honor "needs space"
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Although there are some tasks that are the responsibility of the maid of honor, she shouldn't be your assistant wedding planner. When planning a wedding, brides and grooms should assume that, for the most part, they will be incurring all costs and responsibilities. If you have so many other responsibilities, especially an infant to care for, perhaps you should not be planning a large wedding. But, I suppose that point is moot since you are already planning it now.
Have a friendly chat with your friend and let her know that you're sorry she's stressed and that you'd like to be sure your friendship stays intact during this time. Ask your maid of honor what, if any, task she is willing/able to perform for you in order to help out then abide by her wishes. If there are family members available, you can certainly ask for assistance but, the keyword is ask. No one is really responsible for the wedding planning besides you and your groom. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
nrigel
Apr 1, 2008, 9:54 AM
Post #3 of 5
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Re: [TWQadmin] maid of honor "needs space"
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I have one further question. After reading the reply to my question, I tried to call my maid of honor when I knew she was available. When she answered her phone, she said, "I thought I told you I needed space," and hung up! I know most of the planning/costs are on my fiancee and I, but when we make plans and she breaks them the day of, I just don't know the appropriate way to respond, since it is hard to reschedule when I have already asked off work and found a babysitter for the day. I am now planning my own bridal shower because I can't get in touch with her to ask if she still wants to plan it. (Which she originally said she wanted to be in charge of, without my help except to tell her my ideas. She wanted me to not have to worry about it.) We haven't done very much to get ready for the wedding, so it's not like I'm asking her to give up all of her time for me. Actually, we have only went shopping twice and that's it! I just wish she would speak to me and let me know what I have done to make her so mad, so I could take steps towards fixing it. I really haven't tried to upset her, and have no idea what I need to do to repair the gap in our friendship that is growing daily.
TWQadmin
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Apr 1, 2008, 10:06 AM
Post #4 of 5
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Re: [nrigel] maid of honor "needs space"
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First, you don't plan your own bridal shower. That's a real etiquette no-no. So, stop planning that right away. These are totally optional events that are really not necessary anymore, especially for a woman who is already living on her own and has an infant.
Give your friend her space. Perhaps write her a letter and mail it to her, outlining your feelings and asking her to contact you when she's ready. Go ahead and plan the rest of the wedding, contacting the maid of honor only when necessary for appointments for fittings, rehearsals and the like. If she isn't participating in getting herself ready for the wedding then it might be time to ask her to step down. But, only do this as a lst resort since it could damage your relationship. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Etiquette Now
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Apr 1, 2008, 10:35 AM
Post #5 of 5
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Re: [nrigel] maid of honor "needs space"
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I couldn't agree more. Just plan all on your own. Your fiance should have been the one to help with the invitations, not her. So, just plan and execute with him and skip the shower. That would be a very big social faux pas--very negative. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
maid of honor "needs space"
