Ok, here's my problem. I'm getting married in May 2005 and I asked my best friend of 12 years to be my MOH. She agreed and she was so excited. But now she's acting like this is her wedding! She doesn't like the bridesmaid dresses that I picked out (she's the only one in the party that doesn't like them) and she is giving me a hard time about everything. She's not listening to me about what I want for my shower, bachelorette party, etc. Now here's the real problem. The bridesmaid dresses are getting discontinued in about 2 weeks. She has outright REFUSED to buy the dress, citing every excuse from her hips to money problems to being too busy to get to the store to place the order. She wants to wear the dress that she picked out. It looks good on her, but it's not the dress I picked out and I want everyone in my bridal party to wear the same thing. And after all, it's MY WEDDING! I told her that if she wants to stand out, we can get her a different bouquet, flowers for her hair, a wrap for the dress, gloves, you name it, but not a different dress. So now the dresses are getting discontinued and I don't know what to do. I don't want to give her an ultimatum, but I feel like she's giving me one. She was willing to do anything and everything for this wedding until she saw the dress and it wasn't the one she wanted. Oh, also my mom offered to pay for the dress on the store credit card (no payments no interest for a year) and go to the store and order it and then my MOH could pay her back whenever she got the chance, and my MOH refused. So it's not about the money or the time. It's about the dress. So my question is, if she absolutely will not buy the dress, do I un-ask her? How do I do that? And how would I ask someone else? I already have someone in mind, but I'm pretty sure that she would know that she was second choice. My mother thinks I should just kick out my MOH now and ask the other girl. But I was thinking of giving her a week to get the dress and if she still refuses then tell her that I'm sorry, but the gown decision is my decision and it is final, and that I would love to have her at the wedding, but as a guest. Then I would ask my other friend (who I really should have asked in the first place) citing that I had temporarily lost my mind. Thinking about it, I don't have anything in common now with my current MOH, we were very close in high school, but have drifted recently. Mostly I asked her because of our 12 year history more than the fact that I thought she would do a good job. I have much more in common with my second choice, and I think she would do a much better job with the maid of honor duties. I'm very torn up about this, I can't imagine why my supposed best friend would give me so much grief about this. I need some advice on how to handle this tactfully while still getting what I want (I'm not going to budge on the different dress issue). I know this is a lot to read, but it's such a mess and I really need some objective advice (family is a little one-sided). Thanks.
The issue to address here is not dresses or bridal shower plans or parties...it is: Do you want this person to stand up on the altar, beside you, as your maid of honor? That is the question you must first ask yourself. Is the true answer because you feel she is not acting like a loyal friend or is it that she is being a pain and wanting things her way? If you want to keep the relationship then asking her to step down is not a solution since this is a quick way to end the friendship. Conversely, if you have found that this woman has shown you her true colors and is not the friend you thought then you will have to ask her to step down. Please know that it is doubtful that she will then go on to attend as a guest.
If you decide that you do not want to end the friendship and you choose to keep her as the MOH is the dress the bridesmaids wear really an issue to lose a friendship over? Could you make this one consession? Could all of the other girls wear the dress the MOH picked? Yes, it is YOUR wedding, but you have invited others you care about into the planning process so their feelings should be considered. I am not saying the MOH should run the show, but hey...she does have to appear in public in that dress.
I would suggest getting your friend alone and in a calm manner, discuss your feelings. Don't tell her what she is doing to ruin your wedding, rather tell her how hurt you are that she is not enjoying her role in this wedding. Make it about your friendship and not about YOUR wedding... IF...and only IF... you care at all about your friendship with this woman. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
WOW! My mouth completely dropped when I read your post!! I have had some trouble with my MOH and bridesmaids as far as who likes (and doesn't like) what. The way I see it is that it's MY WEDDING though. I know what I want them to wear, and that's that. If they don't like it, they don't have to wear it. They can chose whatever it is that they like and sit with all of the other guests!!
If I were you, I would give your MOH a choice.... dress or guest!! I understand that friendship is very important. The person you chose to be MOH if obviously very special to you. If she cares enough about you, she should wear the dress for YOU on YOUR day. I think it's pretty rude of her to put you in this position! You shouldn't even have to give her a choice or even be worrying about that!! If she keeps acting like that... ask your other person!! From what you said, the other person actually seems like a better friend to you anyways!!!
Well, goodluck!! I'm sure your wedding will turn out just perfect!! Things always seem to work out for the best in the end!!
If she is being so difficult and selfish, you need to sit down with some support like your mum and ask her "do you want to be my MOH?" If she says no it is settled. If she says yes then say to her that she needs to go to the store try on the dress you like and get it fitted. No questions asked. If she says I don't like it, can't afford it, no time well say to her It is my wedding I want you to wear this dress. Can't afford it - she can pay for it in installments like what you discussed. Say 'No time well then you have no time to be my MOH then!!' Be harsh because she is not much of a friend at the moment, so this will test it. Say she can buy the dress she likes and wear it to her wedding!!
At the end of the day it is your wedding, you have the final say.
I respectfully disagree. Being this harsh is a sure way to end this friendship. Try dealing honestly but carefully with your bridal party since they are offering their time, energy and are incurring a cost to be a part of your wedding. I am not condoning this MOH's behavior but all brides must remember that although it is their wedding there are other people's feelings to be considered. A little patience and lots of care can go a long way to keeping arguements at bay, while acheiving the wedding you desire. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
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edited by TWQadmin on Nov 7, 2004, 9:50 AM)
You really have a lot of people jumping back at you about this. However, I really have to join in with the Wedding Queen about the importance of talking this over coolly and calmly with your friend of 12 years. You may be very surprised to find out the 'real' reason she is giving you a problem with the dress. Maybe it is that she doesn't want to get stuck buying a dress she hates, but maybe not. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
nightmare MOH
My mouth completely dropped when I read your post!! I have had some trouble with my MOH and bridesmaids as far as who likes (and doesn't like) what. The way I see it is that it's MY WEDDING though. I know what I want them to wear, and that's that. If they don't like it, they don't have to wear it. They can chose whatever it is that they like and sit with all of the other guests!! 
If she is being so difficult and selfish, you need to sit down with some support like your mum and ask her "do you want to be my MOH?" If she says no it is settled. If she says yes then say to her that she needs to go to the store try on the dress you like and get it fitted. No questions asked. If she says I don't like it, can't afford it, no time well say to her It is my wedding I want you to wear this dress. Can't afford it - she can pay for it in installments like what you discussed. Say 'No time well then you have no time to be my MOH then!!' Be harsh because she is not much of a friend at the moment, so this will test it. Say she can buy the dress she likes and wear it to her wedding!! 
