I have been living with my husband to be for the past 8 years and we have been together for 12 years. We finally decided to do the ceremony and have the wedding. We want to have a small wedding (aprox 100 people) and also wanted to have a small wedding party to include a best man and maid/matron of honor. We chose our best friends to fill these positions. We are not having anyone else in the wedding party. My sister and mom (my only family) were okay with this but my future sister in law and mother in law were offended that my sister in law is not in the wedding party. We specifically stated that this wedding was going to be small and that we were not tryingto offend anyone (thus not having either sister in the wedding). However my future sister in law says that becuase she is not in the wedding that we do not love her and that we should not put our friends ahead of family. However we felt that we chose the people we felt clostest to. Help!
It is always nice to include family, but it isn't an obligation. It is usually better to choose those closest to you. So, you are doing the right thing. An attendant's position is not an easy one and can be stressful. Choosing those closest to you easiest this tension.
This problem is something that only you can solve though. Your choices are to include her, which gives you more attendants than you want or need, or to keep the peace and include her. Family is important, so this is a tough one.
Family is important but from what you've told us I think your future sister-in-law is being unreasonable and a bit demanding. You've been together for 12 years and for various reasons have decided to celebrate your lives together by having a special marriage ceremony. You haven't excluded anyone, but merely stayed with your original plan to have a small wedding (and wedding party). Your choices are perfectly understandable. When someone feels as strongly as she does and that this means you "don't love her" I think the issue really lies with her. Family is important but in the case of families there is also a degree of responsibiltiy on everyone else in the family to respect your choices even if they don't agree with them. If you don't want to run the risk of damaging the relationships, but also don't want to be armtwisted into doing things their way, perhaps there is another role or way your future sister-in-law can have a place in the wedding or the planning of it. That would send a positive message without giving in to everyone else's whims and wishes for your special day. Good Luck! Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach, Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute http://www.stepinstitute.ca
wedding party
