My ONLY brother is getting married in June 2005. He and his fiance have asked that my entire family be in the wedding (me, my husband and my two children 4yrs. & 2yrs.) We were very excited to be part of this. Now..over a year after they have asked us to be part of their day, they are retracting their invitation for my son, who will be just about 3 at the time they marry, to be the ring bearer because they don't think he will be able to handle walking down the aisle. I was very insulted. A day or so after they told us this, my brother called and said that "they" have decided that children were not allowed at the wedding reception except those in the wedding party. Again, I was more insulted because I am the only sibling on either side and my children will be their only neices and nephews and I feel as though this wedding is a family affair and we are my brother's core family. Then...a few days after that, "they" decided that they didn't even want any children at the church due to the length of the ceremony and they didn't think that my son and 3 month old (I am expecting in April) would be able to handle that and that the baby might cry and my son may act up. But...they would now make an exception...my son and newborn would be allowed in the church, but could only sit in the very back of the church and not with the rest of our family, and had to be removed by someone if they were to act up. I did not think this was any kind of compromise. The very next day, they came back and said to forget the church compromise because they don't even want the disruption of an adult taking the children out of the church. Supposedly...all of this is coming from my brother's future inlaws. I feel as though they are being uncompromising and extremely rude and disrespectful. Out of over 200 guests, my parents have been told that they may have only 30 guests, which includes my brother's immediate family. And out of those 30 guests, if my parents want my two youngest children on their list, the answer is no. My parents are contributing to this wedding financially, but there is still no compromising. My brother has admitted to me that he wants all of my children at the ceremony and the reception, but he does not have the courage to stand up to his future family and tell them that in fear of the wedding being cancelled. I told him he needs to get out now because they are bullying him and controlling him. What is an only sister to do? HELP!
Jill
Psychotherapist: Second Weddings & Stepfamilies
Oct 25, 2004, 4:43 AM
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Re: [DFerrara] Children at a wedding ceremony and reception
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I find this issue quite worrying - not so much all the changes but to hear that your brother cannot say his point of view about his wedding in fear that the wedding might be cancelled. Have you talked to him about this? Jill Curtis Psychotherapist, Author How to Get Married ... Again (A Guide to Second Weddings) London, UK http://www.familyonwards.com
TWQadmin
FORUM EXPERT
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Oct 25, 2004, 9:11 AM
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Re: [DFerrara] Children at a wedding ceremony and reception
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I agree with Jill...if he cannot speak his mind before the wedding what will his left be like after they are married? Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Oct 25, 2004, 9:36 AM
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Re: [DFerrara] Children at a wedding ceremony and reception
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Re: [Jill] Children at a wedding ceremony and reception
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I have already told him that he should not be involved in a marriage where he is already fearful of expressing his thoughts. But - I still am left with a dilemma...do I suck up my pride and comply with what "they" want or do I continue to insist that my children should be the exception to all of the "rules" they are making?
Desparate Sis
DFerrara
Oct 25, 2004, 5:13 PM
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Re: [TWQadmin] Children at a wedding ceremony and reception
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But what do I do about my entire family being at the wedding? Do I give in to their uncompromising demands?
Desperate Sis
TWQadmin
FORUM EXPERT
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Oct 25, 2004, 5:25 PM
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Re: [DFerrara] Children at a wedding ceremony and reception
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Once you have told your brother how you feel you will then have to take a step back and allow him to make his decision. If he chooses to go along with his bride's demands then you will have to decide if you will attend or not. I would hope that you would choose to go to the wedding though. Be the bigger person here and show these controlling people how "real" loving families support each other. Sorry it has to be this way for you. I hope your brother sees that he is hurting those that care for him and is able to insist that his immediate family be allowed to attend.
Hopefullly, you won't allow this wedding to get in between the two of you. It sounds as though you care for each other.
Please come back and let us know how this all pans out. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
mannersmith
Manners & Etiquette Expert
Nov 2, 2004, 6:31 PM
Post #8 of 9
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Re: [DFerrara] Children at a wedding ceremony and reception
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Dear Ms. Ferrara,
Oh my...your poor brother. There are so many issues here, I am not even sure where to start. Let's not discuss why your parents only have 30 seats. Let us focus on your children. You need to think strategically. It is very clear that this bride is not used to being around small children and is VERY concern about a peep out of a child "ruining" her entire wedding. While I do agree that an adult wedding, with a long ceremony and an evening reception is no place for young children...I also agree that exceptions should and must be made for nieces and nephews of the bride and groom.
The best way for you to proceed is first to decide what you really want. Both a 5 and a 3 year old can easily tire of a long, dull ceremony. You certainly know your children better than anyone else. Do you honestly believe they will be able to endure the ceremony? If so, you can insist they be a part of it. If not, suggest an alternative. What is important to you? That they are in the wedding? That they are in the wedding pictures? That they are at the ceremony? That they are at the reception? Once you have decided what is important, create a scenario that will work for you AND the bride and groom. So, perhaps the children could be a part of the rehearsal dinner, the pre-wedding pictures, walk down the aisle (and when everyone turns to look at the bride, the kids could scoot out the side with a sitter and back to the hotel for pizza and movies) and then part of the good-bye brunch. A three month old with either sleep through the entire thing, or scream constantly. Until your child arrives, there is no way to know.
You may need to bring along your husband's parents to watch the children while you are at your brother's wedding. It will be hard for you to be in the wedding, enjoy the event and talk with friends and family if you are worried about where the children are, what they are doing and if they will make a noise. Once you and your husband have a plan, speak first with your brother alone. Then bring the bride in on the conversation.
Once you have had the conversation, you must abide by the bride and groom's decision. It is their wedding day and while you may not agree with their choice, you must respect their decision.
All the best, Jodi R R Smith
krysta
Nov 22, 2004, 10:24 PM
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Re: [DFerrara] Children at a wedding ceremony and reception
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I know what you are going through. My husband's only brother got married last august. When I was 5 months pregnant my parent'sin law told us that my BIL and future SIL decided to have a no child wedding. My husband was supposed to be the bestman and I was supposed to be one of the bridemaids ( my future SIL was one of my bridesmaids). I knew that I wouldn't be able to let my 4 months old baby with a stranger. I have been over here not since along time and i didn't develop trusting friendship, not enough to let them the life of my only child. So, we understood that they decided to do a no child wedding. But it put us in a difficult situation. SO, after long hours to think about this problem my husband and I came with a compromise: to have our baby with a babysitter in situs, so at the church and at the reception place but in a separate room, so like this our baby will be close enough that we will be able to enjoy the wedding and celebrate the newly weds, and she won't interfere with their decision. We would make sure that no one will see her and even if it would happen we will explain that it is the BIl and SIL 's day and people will see the baby another.. if not, I won't be able to be a part of the wedding. We were sure that they will agree so my husband didn't say that he wouldn't go..
SO, we told our idea to the BIl and SIl and they were so negative about it.. it was NO, NO and NO.. the bil insulted his parents, yelled..the SIL told that i wasn't honoring my engagment towards her and I told her that she is asking me to choose between her and my daugther...
at the final, I didn't go to the wedding. Our daughter was only 4 months,their only niece. My husband went even if he felt that his place was with us but he didn't want to make the issue worse. He left the reception as soon as possible and his bro was mad with him because it was too early according to him. HE never thanked him for what he did fo him.never...There were flowers girls at the wedding but they didn't want to make an exception or to accept the compromise so we can be a part of their big day.
I felt so excluded.. All the family I have over here ( my husband's family ) was there but us: me and my daughter.
My SIL used to say that she considered me as a sister...what a sister! True, it was their wedding and they could have anyone they wanted.. So, if they really wanted us, or having me as a bridemaid , at their wedding, they would be more understanding and made an exception or accepted the compromise.
We haven't seen them since the wedding and frankly we don't really want to see them. Needless to tell you that the ambiance is pretty tense right now.
Children at a wedding ceremony and reception
