My 24 year old son and his future bride plan to be married next summer. I like his fiancé very much and in my enthusiasm to the news I've been spreading the word to friends who, in turn, have been making comments to my 6 year old daughter regarding her being flower girl. His fiancé doesn't have young siblings so I assumed this would be the case, knowing how much my son & daughter adore each other. I felt compelled to ask my son because for each of the half dozen or so comments made to my daughter so far, she's becoming increasingly excited. He responded by saying there are a lot of young kids on her side of the family. . . I feel a sister should be chosen over a friend's child or even a cousin. He's been very accommodating to her wishes regarding all aspects of the wedding plans, I don't think he realizes the significance of not including his sister. Or maybe it's me that just doesn't get it.
(This post was
edited by one4gold on Aug 7, 2008, 8:20 PM)
I'm sorry, but it is your son and his fiance's wedding and they plan it. It should be your future daughter in law's choice of who to include as her attendants and she shouldn't be guilted into choosing anyone, but those with whom she is close.
It would have been best to have stepped up when others made remarks to your daughter about being a flower girl. It isn't polite or fair assume that she would be chosen and to get her hopes up. The couple may not even want children involved in the wedding. Many do not as children are unpredictable.
Please soften the blow for your daughter just in case the couple does not choose her. And please remember, that this is their wedding and they make the decisions.
For those comments made to my daughter within my ear shot I just said something like they just decided to get married, there's a lot of planning yet to do, I have no idea who will be asked to do what. Although it looks like the only thing they plan to ask of my family is to split the bill which I hadn't expected nor can I afford. I've never been involved in planning a wedding (as if my cluelessness and insensitivity hasn't already made that obvious). They don't seem so interested in brain storming money saving ideas. So, my new plan is to decide the most I can contribute then just show up for the wedding. (at least this way I'll still be invited ) Good thing I have three son's weddings to experience before my daughter gets married - maybe I'll know what I'm doing by then.
You're not obligated to pay for anything. The wedding expenses are the responsibility of the wedding couple. If you want to help, you can offer. Your son shouldn't be assuming that any of his family members will foot the bill. If I were you, I would get together with my son alone to explain my feelings ( I'd love to be involved, do not have much money to offer, but lots of time to help, blah, blah, blah). using words like, "I feel" rather than "you make me feel" will go a long way to helping your son understand your position. However, refrain from insisting he do anything like including his sister. Just make low key suggestions, reminding him that the wedding is not just a day for the couple, but it also a day to celebrate the making of a new branch of the family tree.
Good luck mom. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
I couldn't agree more. Today, the couple are the only people financially responsible for their wedding. If they are grown up enough to marry, they should be able to pay for it. But, it really is a joining of two families. So, I also agree that open communication is best. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
Thank you so much, your words are comforting. When my son told me his FW has lots of kids on her side I suggested perhaps 2 flower girls. I'm sure it happens, when my daughter came home from a play date with her girl friend, the friend and her sister had told my daughter they were co-flower girls. Apparently their story was conveyed in detail because she told me "I really want to be FG, I know how". As gently as I could I told her it may not work out. She seemed to handle it well, however, a couple days ago we had a family gathering (including my son & his FW) and usually wild horses couldn't keep her from such an occasion; this time she asked if she could go to a friend's house, she said "you can just give everyone hugs and kisses and tell them I love them". I ended up taking her mid party so she could at least visit a little, especially with her aunt and uncle who moved to FL this past year. She didn't come across as upset, but I have to wonder if she feels left out. Part of me hopes they find something for her to do, but now that my son is aware of our feelings I don't want them to ask because of that. I hope, like you said, this will be "a day to celebrate the making of a new branch of the family tree" not serve as a wedge. The wedding planning seems to be going in the direction of having a more expensive wedding (higher class things on top of paying for all the bride's attendant's attire and accommodations for her out of town guests - tradition in her family) at the cost of inviting far fewer people. I was told yesterday they were seriously considering excluding all cousins. I'm just not sure what to say to that, most of our family members live 4 or more hours away and these are about the only times we get so see each other. We were invited to all their weddings. Maybe I'll buy a lotto ticket .
My son did mention something about contributing himself. I'd hate to see him spend too much. He just recently got a "real" job (it's a pretty good one ) but has $35,000 in student loans. His FW has another 2 to 3 years left to complete her doctorate. So far as I understand she'll have little, if any, college debt. I am so proud of my son, he's been about as perfect a child (now adult) as one can get. He's built a strong foundation in the order and manner he has played out the events of his life. I want the tradition to continue with him not over extending himself on things that don't truly add value (i.e.: more frill, less family). I just have to remember - I've always trusted his judgment and he has not failed me.
Right. You've done your job, now it's time to stand back and admire your art work. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Sister as flower girl
They don't seem so interested in brain storming money saving ideas. So, my new plan is to decide the most I can contribute then just show up for the wedding. (at least this way I'll still be invited 
) Good thing I have three son's weddings to experience before my daughter gets married - maybe I'll know what I'm doing by then.
But, it really is a joining of two families. So, I also agree that open communication is best. 
because she told me "I really want to be FG, I know how". As gently as I could I told her it may not work out. She seemed to handle it well, however, a couple days ago we had a family gathering (including my son & his FW) and usually wild horses couldn't keep her from such an occasion; this time she asked if she could go to a friend's house, she said "you can just give everyone hugs and kisses and tell them I love them". I ended up taking her mid party so she could at least visit a little, especially with her aunt and uncle who moved to FL this past year. She didn't come across as upset, but I have to wonder if she feels left out. 
Part of me hopes they find something for her to do, but now that my son is aware of our feelings I don't want them to ask because of that. I hope, like you said, this will be "a day to celebrate the making of a new branch of the family tree" not serve as a wedge. The wedding planning seems to be going in the direction of having a more expensive wedding (higher class things on top of paying for all the bride's attendant's attire and accommodations for her out of town guests - tradition in her family) at the cost of inviting far fewer people. I was told yesterday they were seriously considering excluding all cousins. 
I'm just not sure what to say to that, most of our family members live 4 or more hours away and these are about the only times we get so see each other. We were invited to all their weddings. Maybe I'll buy a lotto ticket 
. 
) but has $35,000 in student loans.