I am afraid that my fiance is a little controlling. He is controlling anyway, but I what atleast like to have this day be 95 percent mine. He didn't really have opinions until his mother got excited. I just want to know how to assert myself. I have been told that I need to iust meet with the planner and ask him if he likes the the things that we discuss. It is my day and that's the way I want it to go. I know that he doesn't really care how it goes, he just want to have a say so to be in control. My mother and I are going to plan and pay for like 90 percent just so I can have my say. But another issue came up about two days ago...I want to know who picks the flowergirl and the ring bearer?
TWQadmin
FORUM EXPERT
/ Moderator
Dec 12, 2007, 10:31 AM
Post #2 of 6
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Re: [Cwalker8] Who picks the ring bearer?
[In reply to]
I think you need to change your mindset a bit. This shouldn't be "your" day. It should be a day for the couple to come together to make a new family. This includes all of the family members too. So, the two of you should make decisions together, as a couple, which will be good practice for the upcoming marriage. Parents can have opinions but shouldn't be making the decisions, even if they are paying for the wedding. However, what concerns me more is, the groom's behavior will not become less controlling after the wedding. You both should probably get some family counseling before the big day. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Cwalker8
Dec 12, 2007, 10:50 AM
Post #3 of 6
(567 views)
Re: [TWQadmin] Who picks the ring bearer?
[In reply to]
I understand that I may seem a little Brideszilla like, but you must understand. THis is the man who told me that all he wanted to do was show up on the day and have his brother, nieces, mother, and father there. Since the day that we picked the venue, his mother went to go visit it with my fiance ( i wasn't there). I got a call that night thay they (my fiance and his mother) were going to look at another venue (w/o me, the bride) because she felt that it was too small and would not accomadate out number of guests.(even though it was with in the capacity of the venue) Since that day, he has become more involved. I know that my fiance, and I know that he doesn'e care. He just wants to make sure that he has some control and that his mother has a sayso. I am a very traditional person. I think that she should have sayso, as does he. But, I should be the ultimate opinion. It is important to me and I don't take the view that I should have to accomadate the world. His mom has no girls and two sons. The first son got married and she met his wife after the fact, but that is not my problem. I am also seven years younger than my fiance and he is almost 29 years old, I am graduating from college in about 5 months. I am also afraid that his mother and he look at me like a child and will try to control the decisions...I can definitely see that happening.
How should i assert myself?
TWQadmin
FORUM EXPERT
/ Moderator
Dec 12, 2007, 11:12 AM
Post #4 of 6
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Re: [Cwalker8] Who picks the ring bearer?
[In reply to]
I don't think the parents have a "say so", sorry. A wedding should be planned by the bride and groom. And, if the two of you would like to get opinions and help from your parents, you should ask them. If you want to be treated like an adult then give them a reason to treat you this way. The two of you need to pose a united front and act like a mature, decision making couple. The two of you should make your selections and tell your parent the decisions you've made. If you ask for their opinion it opens the subject up for discussion. That's great, if you want to discuss the options. I'm worried that you feel your future husband treats you like a child. Again, if you are having these sorts of issues now, they will not get better after the wedding. Please get some counseling. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Dec 12, 2007, 11:16 AM
Post #5 of 6
(561 views)
Re: [Cwalker8] Who picks the ring bearer?
[In reply to]
Asserting yourself doesn't mean making all of the decisions. You may have thought that your fiance didn't want to make any of the decisions, which makes sense if he actually said that. But, that is not the case now. He is involved. So, it seems best that you follow the advice the Wedding Queen offered.
As a married couple, you will be making decisions together. He will have to listen to you and you to him without parental interference. So, I completely agree that counselling may be best. Hopefully this will give you two tools to help you make your own decisions in a positive manner.
The ring bearer is chosen by the two of you. But, it is optional to include one. If you wish to have a child free event, it is best not to include children in the wedding. And, we never mention this on invitations. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
Weddings by Shayna
VA WEDDING CONSULTANT
Dec 12, 2007, 12:52 PM
Post #6 of 6
(556 views)
Re: [Cwalker8] Who picks the ring bearer?
[In reply to]
The issues do go much deeper than who gets to choose the venue and the child attendants. If you can't make these decisions together, in what is still very much the "easy" stage of a marriage or pre-marriage, you will be a lot harder pressed to make rational and safe decisions together when real hardships arise later. Counseling sounds like a very good idea.
You can make whatever decisions you'd like without your fiance and your future mother-in-law, but it is you who has to live with both the decisions and the new family later. You're going to need a much stronger start to make a stressful wedding, let alone a marriage, go well. I'd take a very serious look at yourselves before going any farther with the planning. Shayna Walker, Williamsburg Wedding Design http://www.williamsburgweddingdesign.com
Who picks the ring bearer?
