Hello; I wanted to get some input about my bestman. This is what I have so far and I will let you decide for yourself. First, he wasn't planning on coming to the jack-and-jill party we decided to have since we are an older couple and decided to just have one big party to include everyone. Once he decided to come (after he made it clear how much of an inconvenience it would be), he made excuses that his wife is just anti-social and really didnt feel like coming. Jack-n-Jill never happened since we didnt want to inconvenience anyone and others cryin' poverty. Secondly, he is coming to the rehearsal but once again, his wife just doesnt feel like coming and he makes the excuse that she marches to the beat of a different drummer. Now, 11 days before the wedding he decides to let us know that he and his wife were talking and it really would be in the best interest of everyone if she didn't come and she doesn't really feel much like partying. Am I missing something here? Let me know what you think.
(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on Jul 28, 2009, 4:52 PM)
I assume the best man is a very dear friend or family member and you'd like to have his wife at the wedding and as your friend. But, his wife obviously has some sort of issue, either with the world, her husband or you. It seems like her problem though, not yours. Tell your best man you're sorry she won't be attending but hope she will change her mind. Leave the door open for relationship repair in the future. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
It is HER decision to decline true...but I thought Marriage meant that two people are now joined together as a whole and now make decision together. I wish I could just go around in my relationship and just NOT do the things I don't like or things that don't make me feel good....but out of respect for my love, I will give and commit myself to the "US" because it just the right thing to do. What kind of message does she send to her husband by declining to go to the wedding where he is the best man and what kind of message does she send to the couple (us) by saying that she doesn't want to come because she suddenly (11 days before the wedding) doesn't feel like "partying". I just think this is rude and will, in the longterm, damage the relationship we have with them.
You can only control your behavior. This problem is your friend's problem. This has nothing to do with your wedding, other than the fact that the relationship between you and your best man may be strained.
I'd just go ahead and plan your wedding and enjoy it to the fullest. Let your friend worry about his marriage and you worry about yours. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on Jul 29, 2009, 12:07 PM)
Being a happily married couple doesn't mean that the two are joined at the hip or that one has to endure something he or she dislikes for the sake of the relationship. You shouldn't have "to do things that don't make you feel good" for the sake of the relationship. Married people can have different interests and tolerances and still be very happy. She isn't sending any message of any sort. She just doesn't want to party with you. This isn't a negative nor does it make her a "bad wife". She also may not view her husband as your best man as important as you. Her decision of not attending is based on her feelings. She shouldn't be demonized for these feelings. It isn't fair or polite.
Naturally, your wedding is very important to you, as it should be. But, to some, it is just another day. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
I guess I don't have the same liberal mind set that you do nor do I agree with the feminist theories that emerged as a result of the feminist movement. I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree in reference to this matter. The whole reason why marriage no longer work and the divorce rate is higher than ever is because each partner is only thinking of themselves in respect to what makes them happy and NOT what makes the marriage happy (50% of all marriages in the America end in divorce). Happy marriages take work and commitment. Unfortunately, many people don't want to do the work and don't make the commitment to each other...they are just worried about their own feelings. You say the decision not to attend is based on HER feelings (again, very selfish). What about the feeling of her husband? Her husband would like her to go because, well...she is his wife. He's asking her to attend a wedding with him for a couple of hours....is this REALLY going to kill her if she goes? So, now the cycle begins, he gets angry at her for not going with him and then this reflects badly on the relationship because the next time she wants to do something, he'll just say..."heck, why should I go...she couldn't even come to the wedding I asked her to come to...". This continues for years and years (because married people should only do the things they want to do and never for the other person) until there is so much anger and resentment...they eventually become yet another statistic. I am not asking her to view her husband as best man as important something important to her, but I am asking her to have some common courtesy and take into consideration the feelings of her husband and friends. For her to say that she was going to attend the wedding by filling out the invitation reply card as 2 people attending and then 11 days prior to the wedding making the decision NOT to attend is downright rude. You say it isn't fair or polite to demonize her for her feelings. She never took our feeling or her husbands feeling into consideration, so why should we? I don't think it's fair to the husband who wants his wife to attend the wedding with him and I don't think its polite that she initially said she was going to be at the wedding and then make a last minute decision not to attend. As far as our wedding being very important to us, this is true...but to some, its just another day...well, I'm sure its just another day to the 200 guest attending our wedding but they will be there to celebrate with us on our joyous day. Maybe they should all stay home and say, "ah, its just another day..why bother going...." How sad a day will it be when all I do is think of myself and not the feelings of my friends, family and loved ones. I will always make every effort to make my loved ones feel special, happy and loved even it means that I, once in a while, have to do something they want to rather than something I want to do or I really don't feel like doing.
I still don't see what their marriage has to do with your wedding. This is your friend's problem, not yours. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Best Man not bringing his wife
