My brother has always just rubbed my fiance the wrong way, but since we were at college together for a while, my brother and I have grown closer. I'd like my brother to be in the wedding, but now I'm getting the "do I have to?" look if i bring it up. I know my fiance will have my brother as a groomsman if I ask, but should I?
TWQadmin
FORUM EXPERT
/ Moderator
Oct 6, 2004, 6:44 AM
Post #2 of 7
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Re: [minturnk] Does my brother need to be a groomsman
[In reply to]
If you really want your brother as part of the wedding party then you should ask. Sounds like he may not accept but if he does, ask your groom to grin and bear it out of respect for your feelings for your brother.
If possible, try to find out what it is that irritaes your fiance so much and if it's something that could be kept under control, speak to your brother about the problem...calmly and in a non-threate=ning way so as not to cause additional issues between them. I am sure you'll find a diplomatic way to handle it all. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
mannersmith
Manners & Etiquette Expert
Oct 24, 2004, 12:17 AM
Post #3 of 7
(3187 views)
Re: [minturnk] Does my brother need to be a groomsman
[In reply to]
Dear Ms. Minturnk,
Yes, your fiancé should ask your brother to be a groomsman.
All the best, Jodi R R Smith
minturnk
Dec 12, 2004, 5:00 PM
Post #4 of 7
(3114 views)
Re: [mannersmith] Does my brother need to be a groomsman
[In reply to]
My fiance did ask my brother to be a groomsman, but that takes us to another problem. The night after we got engaged, we (my fiance and I) had to go bail my brother out of jail in the middle of the night. I wish I could say that I was shocked and appalled, but I wasn't. He's only 18, and it's usually just for an MIP or something of that sort, but I need to be sure that I'm not bailing him out on my wedding day. Is this something I need to tip-toe around, or can I flat out tell him, any more stunts like that and he's out of the wedding. And no, my parents are not going to take care of this so I don't have to, they see nothing wrong with his behavior (which explains why it's not uncommon).
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Dec 12, 2004, 6:26 PM
Post #5 of 7
(3110 views)
Re: [minturnk] Does my brother need to be a groomsman
[In reply to]
Dear Does my brother,
It is a nice gesture, but not a 'must' that your brother be asked to be a groomsman. Your fiance doesn't have to ask him, especially if this is something he would rather not do. Actually, you have (pun intended) a 'get out of jail free card'. If you choose to do so, you can explain that because of your brother's recent jail visit that you would rather not risk having to make an urgent run to the jail on your wedding day.
A wonderful suggestion of how to choose your wedding attendants is on page 584 of Emily Post's Etiquette 17th edition. She states that, "You might want to consider these fundamental traits: reliability, consideration, and courtesy." She goes on to explain each of these categories, which I cannot due to space. But, I'm sure you can fill in the blanks.
Re: [minturnk] Does my brother need to be a groomsman
[In reply to]
Let your brother know that you don't approve of his behavior (even if your parents don't see a problem with their 18 yr. old son being arrested) and that you certainly will not be available for bailing on your wedding day.
I don't think you have to kick him out of the wedding since, even the day of, if he were a no-show, the wedding could still go on. So, you'd have to make a few minor adjustments like in the ushering of the bridesmaids and such. Seems as though you are the stability in this boys life so be careful how you handle him. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Jill
Psychotherapist: Second Weddings & Stepfamilies
Dec 13, 2004, 8:51 AM
Post #7 of 7
(3100 views)
Re: [TWQadmin] Does my brother need to be a groomsman
[In reply to]
why not have a sister-to-brother straight talk about the way you feel. It might come as a shock, especially if your parents are not talking to him in this way. There are consequences to all actions. Your wedding day is your wedding day, and you will not be available to him, but to include him in the wedding party would be a very nice gesture. Jill Curtis Psychotherapist, Author How to Get Married ... Again (A Guide to Second Weddings) London, UK http://www.familyonwards.com
Does my brother need to be a groomsman
