We bride to be and I will have been together 10 years when we wed. We live in NC. We both grew up in or near Middle TN, which is where we are having the wedding.
Since it has been 10 years of dating, we have made and lost touch with a lot of friends (many of whom we are getting back in touch with now).
I have 1 brother just older than me and 1 half brother 8 years older. With no ill will, but for various reasons, I have never been close to my have half-brother. As for my brother, I have some reservations about him being able to attend and fulfill some the responsibilities of being a groomsman.
Because my fiance's family is closer than mine, I also have some expectations to include some of her brothers. And the one person I know I want to ask has some physical limitations and while I truly enjoy his friendship, I'm not sure if he could handle the responsibilities of being best man.
The wedding itself is somewhat informal in that we are having outdoor on some of my fiances' family property and we are inviting everyone to stay over for the weekend and camp and enjoy music. But, while the wedding will be somewhat short and sweet, I still need at least 5 groomsmen and atleast 1 person will be called upon to do some work and make toasts. The people I trust most to do the work and toasts I don't consider to be my best man, but the people I consider to be my best man, I don't consider able to do the work. I also am trying to find a place for my father, who I am close to as well (as my parents are divorced, and don't speak and need to include them both as much as possible but keep them separated).
Any words of advice or encouragement would be greatly appreciated.
Choosing attendants is a personal decision and one only you can make. But, I can advise a bit.
A physical limitation shouldn't limit one's ability from being a best man. That person could very well carry out his duties. If you are worried about a bachelor party, this is an optional party for which someone would have to offer to host. The same goes for toasts.
The formality of the event somewhat dictates how many attendants one has. Five is way too many for an informal wedding.
If you choose your fiance's brothers, yours just may be insulted.
Thanks for your response. Some of your advice was very helpful.
We are in a circle with this thing. As my bride to be chooses a sister or sister in-law, it puts me in a place where if I choose her brother or brother in law I have to choose both to not upset that balance and family.
And when I pick a friend we as a couple are close to, we have to choose his spouse. And vice versa. So my list never gets small and I still have open spots.
As for my half brother, we have invited his daughter and my half sister's daughters to be junior brides maids, which I hope makes them feel involved, but we still haven't heard if any of them will make it.
And so if I don't choose my brother by my parents, then that side of the family feels not represented. But, both my bride to be and I have some concerns over his ability to show up and to also not cause some awkward moment over the 4 days people will be there (5 including the rehearsal lunch). And none of my brothers or sister live in my state, NC or the state of the wedding, TN. They all live in KY.
It seems no matter who I choose, someone will be upset. And that isn't the way it should be. They should be there to support me, not the other way around. Which is how I feel. Can I just go up there by myself? I sure I'm not the only one who feels this way.
You really only need two witnesses to sign the marriage license. So, if you don't have anyone you feel close enough with, and the wedding isn't formal, then don't include a best man or groomsmen.
But remember, the number of bridesmaids doesn't necessarily have to match the number of groomsmen. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
I don't know where all of this is coming from. Not everyone needs to be represented in the ceremony. There shouldn't be this many attendants for an informal wedding. You don't have to match your fiance's side or invite the significant of her choices. Perhaps both of you would benefit by reading about what an informal wedding should look like. There are no firm rules that say that there can't be a huge group of people involved with an informal wedding. But, when you have a large bridal party and an informal wedding, it could appear a bit odd to guests. It just seems that with many attendants there should be more formality.
Just a note: you mentioned that your guests are invited to stay for a few days after your short wedding. If you are inviting them, you are obligated to provide what they need for those days. This could be expensive for you. Be careful in your planning. When hosts "invite" they are expected to host. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
You may find this helpful to share with the bride too. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Perhaps my communication about the informal nature of the wedding was misleading.
Yes, we are inviting people out to a farm in middle of nowhere in a cellphone dead zone. While we do wish people to dress appropriately, we also expect to be comfortable and wear shoes suited for the environment.
We have also extended an invitation to stay on the farm and camp out for the weekend. There is a "festival" nearby that for those who stay, we have offered admission and primitive camping on the farm. We will also be having 3 bands on our wedding day. So by extending the offer to stay and party all day and possibly the weekend, we expect everyone to be as comfortable as they choose to be.
However, the wedding itself is of a more formal nature, hence the amount of bridesmaids and potentially groomsmen. This is where my problem arouse. While I am close to my bride to be's family, to only have her brothers and not anyone from my family, could, as you said, cause some resentment. And this is in addition to many of those people in family we consider to be somewhat unreliable.
So I guess I'm trying to figure out how to include my family, take care of myself, and not cause a distraction in the wedding or wedding party by not having enough groomsmen or having groomsmen that may be unreliable. I know we need to be true to ourselves, which after 10 years together we have figured out. But by hosting a large wedding and asking your guests to stay for the weekend, we feel some obligation to our guests and our families. I think many out there can empathize. Thanks.
Yes, I have read that, thank you. I guess part of the issue goes into, knowing that I have at least 1 possible groomsman who will need some help due to physical limitations, I'm questioning how much I'm putting on myself with groomsmen instead of taking away.
And as much as people say it doesn't matter, when you invite both families and only 1 family is represented on both sides of the wedding party, it causes issues. And the only way not cause issues is to be in charge of handling all of the issues myself, which put me back in the spot of taking care of everyone else instead of them taking care of me. Which as the article says, is exactly what I'm not supposed to do.
I guess I'm just trying to work it all out and find some balance and thought there might be some support or advice that could help.
I understand that, especially in today's age, there are no set rules, but some times set rules make it easier. You know if something goes amiss, then at least you followed the rules. But not having rules just makes it harder, and I was talking myself through it here; in the hopes that somewhere in that someone might have something to add that might help.
This is a really personal decison that should be discussed and mde between the bride and groom. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Yes, we are discussing this and they are my groomsmen, it is is a decision I am make.
I guess somewhere in there, with all of the wedding books, wedding etiquette books, websites, forums, columns, and the like, I thought there was some sort of guidelines or rules to follow. I guess I thought that was the definition of etiquette.
It's hard for me to hear that certain type of weddings should or shouldn't be handled in a certain manner, but that there are no rules that dictate that to be true. If that is the case, I'm confused by all of the wedding etiquette out there. I'm hearing I can do what I want, but that if this is the type of wedding we are having that there are certain things that should or shouldn't be done.
That is why I asked for help here. In the hope that there would be some type of advice that applied and I could use while I discussed this with my bride and made my decision.
On one hand I hear that all I need is a witness to sign the paper, unless I'm having a formal ceremony. Then I should do better to have an appropriate amount of groomsmen. But it is ok to have only the bride to be's family in our wedding party, but that etiquette would dictate that by doing that I could be insulting my family.
So while I assumed all of these things to be true, it would now seem that they are true and I find myself worse off for asking, seeing that from the advice I have been giving, something in what I/we am/are doing would appear to be wrong. Thus, I find myself feeling that it has now been implied that something in our wedding is wrong and that my only option is to discuss it with my bride to be and just come to terms with that decision, come what may. Which is where I started, when I came looking for advice or an etiquette guide.
Who to choose is your personal decision - no one can help you with that. How many to choose is another issue and is mainly based on the level of formality and how many guests you're hosting. Time of day and location comes into play too. Much of this we aren't privy to and it's not totally obvious from the information provided. First decide what the level of formality is and then you can note the number of groomsmen you'll need. That is information that can be found in any etiquette book and has been listed many times on the forum. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Who to choose is your personal decision - no one can help you with that. How many to choose is another issue and is mainly based on the level of formality and how many guests you're hosting. Time of day and location comes into play too. Much of this we aren't privy to and it's not totally obvious from the information provided. First decide what the level of formality is and then you can note the number of groomsmen you'll need. That is information that can be found in any etiquette book and has been listed many times on the forum.
Let me try this again. Because to me is all connected.
We are having a Late Spring/Early Summer wedding, late afternoon, outdoors, under a tent on a farm in the middle of nowhere. The wedding party will be formal, although we are giving a guest somewhat of a break by allowing them to be more comfortable.
As of now, there are 6 bridesmaids. Well, that really depends on who I choose to be groomsmen. Its 6 because I want to a friend we are couple friends with, so if I ask him, my bride to be is asking her. The same thing goes for me asking one of my bride to be's brothers. But since I might ask her brother, and her sister is the maid of honor, I would consider asking the maid of honor's husband.
So at this point I have 3 maybe but still need to fill 4 spots to make it the same. So I want to ask my friend with the limitations. But he will need some kind of help somewhere. And if I do this I still have 2 places to go. Well unless I don't ask some of the 3 (our friend and her brother and brother in-law). But even though I want to ask them, there is some obligation to and I don't see a way to have 1 without the other. And my bride to be has another brother. And since it is a formal wedding and I have 2 space left he could fill one.
But I can't have 3 family members from her side and no one from my side. Well, I do have a half-brother I'm not close to and a brother that if asked may or may not follow through or be a distraction.
Then, same as before, I am trying to accommodate my father, but am also trying to keep him from a bad spot because my parents are divorced and don't get along.
So with every potential addition or subtraction there is an issue. And since beside my bride to be's brother and brother in-law none of these guys have ever met each other and at least one would need some special help. Oh yea, and even if I picked everyone, the wedding party is so big that I would still need 1 more person.
And then I have to pick the best man. But for example, if I pick my friend, who has the limitations, to be best man, then I have to ask someone else who he has never met to help him with some things that he would need to do. IE, "I'm not asking you to be my best man, but I am asking you to help the best man to be the best man." So, I would be asking someone to do the work of the best man, but not be the best man.
I guess I could not ask my friend, but then I just have 1 more space to fill, because its a formal wedding, with semi-informal guests.
So for me who and how many are the same question and I was hoping there was some kind of etiquette or advice that might apply.
I'm mean I know its our wedding and we can do what we want, but with the wedding party being formal I am bound by some form of etiquette. So I was hoping somewhere in etiquette there was something that would help me out.
(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on Jan 27, 2009, 1:34 PM)
Help picking Groomsmen
