I'm a man who wouldn't expect to delve too far into these questions of wedding etiquette, as our roles are traditionally small and clear cut. However, I have found myself in a jam, and I would like an outside opinion or two.
I have friends that are very important in my life, and I would like to see them stand with me. My problem is that the future mom in law has demanded her son take one of these limited spots, thus making my already small selection of spaces for groomsmen smaller. I think my future brother in law is a nice person, but I've probably spoken with him for a week and a half of total time. Conversely, he is uncomfortable with the idea as well. My fiancee worked very hard in asking other family members of hers for advice, and they agreed it was an excessive demand. They acknowledged the outcry that would arise if one of my family members demanded that (for example) my sister had to be in the wedding party.
All seemed well until it was time to discuss this with the mother in law. Lets just say that 'she didn't take it well,' ...to put it mildly. Now, my future brother in law is being accused of not wanting to participate. My fiancee is extremely distraught. Moreover, my wishes are still not accounted for, and this element is causing me great consternation. I'm comfortable with my very limited role in this important event in my life, but I have a deep desire to have as many of my closest friends stand with me.
I have very strong bonds with my group of friends, and I'm already under some consternation over the limited spaces. I want as many as can be present, and I'm dejected by the casual disregard for my wishes on what is one of the few traditional facets of this important ceremony that the groom is expected to have. I'm fine with a hands-off approach with the rest of the ceremony. I am very uncomfortable with this imposition, the disregard of my opinion, the distress this is causing my fiancee, and the arguments this has caused among her family.
FBC
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edited by FBC123 on Aug 21, 2009, 12:50 AM)
Men are getting more involved with the planning of their wedding these days. And, I think you're sweet t care. I agree that you shouldn't have to ask her brother to be a member of the bridal party since the two of you don;t have a close, intimate relationship.
The problem I see here is no mention of what your bride is saying or doing. These are her family members and, as such, she really needs to set them straight about how the bridesmaids and groomsmen are selected. The two of you should try to work this out together before she seaks to her mother. I've said this before, but I think it's worth repeating, allow your bride to speak to her mother so you're not made to be the "bad guy".
But, if this is a huge deal for your bride, and you can see clear to allow this one man to be a part of the wedding in some capacity, then it may be to your benefit to acquiese. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
The problem I see here is no mention of what your bride is saying or doing.
Frankly, the post is pretty long, and (in hindsight) it seems all I put in regarding her involvement is "My fiancee worked very hard in asking other family members of hers for advice, and they agreed it was an excessive demand. They acknowledged the outcry that would arise if one of my family members demanded that (for example) my sister had to be in the wedding party."
She certainly talked to her family before talking to her mother. The analogy above using my family is her idea. In her discussions, we find out that excessive demands were made in other weddings before, which explains part of her (now married) brothers desire to speak up.
Of course, part of the problem is that the brother is "the bad guy" now as he is seen as the instigator and "being accused of not wanting to participate." What is disconcerting is the disregard of my opinion here (not form my fiancee), the distress this is causing my fiancee, and the arguments this has caused among her family.
(This post was
edited by FBC123 on Aug 21, 2009, 9:47 AM)
I absolutely agree with that advice. You could include him because both sides do not have to be even. It is your choice though.
And, I also agree that grooms are more involved these days. In fact, since parents are no longer financially responsible, they are not "supposed to be" hosts in the traditional manner any more. Some just haven't got the memo yet. The couple is supposed plan and host their wedding even if they are not paying for it. However, the couple should also consider the parent's wishes--it is only polite.
If the bride's parents are paying and this is why you are having these disagreements, you might want to pay for the wedding yourselves. This way you can have the wedding you want. It really shouldn't come to that though. Hopefully your fiancee can speak to her mother about allowing you two to plan your own wedding as you wish, especially choosing your attendants. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
I absolutely agree with that advice. You could include him because both sides do not have to be even.
Interesting. If she wants to tack on an extra person, thats OK then as there is no need for symmetry. Pity as symmetrical wedding parties and its importance has already been bantered about.
In Reply To
It is your choice though.
It sure doesn't seem like it at all. If it were, we wouldn't have this problem.
In Reply To
If the bride's parents are paying and this is why you are having these disagreements, you might want to pay for the wedding yourselves.
In disputes, money is certainly an issue that finds its way to the conversation. Lets be clear here, her response to this was very, very negative. The matter of who was paying for the ceremony certainly came up. Ill suggest the uneven wedding party idea. I'm not sure she is going to want that.
I never knew what "wanting to elope" really felt like until now.
(This post was
edited by FBC123 on Aug 21, 2009, 10:05 AM)
This is probably too simple, but why can't the brother tell his mother that he does not want to be in the wedding? If she doesn't accept that, it seems like the issue is between the two of them, not you and your bride.
She sounds very controlling, so I think Rebecca's advice about paying for the wedding yourselves could be the answer. Nip that controlling thing in the bud now or you'll be dealing with this all your married life. Wait till the grandkiddies come along! Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
This is probably too simple, but why can't the brother tell his mother that he does not want to be in the wedding?
This occurred. In my efforts to keep the original post brief, I can see that there has been a loss of clarity. "Now, my future brother in law is being accused of not wanting to participate."
The brother made the original phone call to the mother in law after the fiancee discussed these issues with the rest of the family. She garnered support from the family, especially with the "if my family did X" example above. Unfortunately, this support has seemed to vanish now that the mother in law has shown here extreme displeasure to the son and daughter regarding this issue.
In Reply To
She sounds very controlling, so I think Rebecca's advice about paying for the wedding yourselves could be the answer. Nip that controlling thing in the bud now or you'll be dealing with this all your married life. Wait till the grandkiddies come along!
You hit the issue on the head. I am nervous about this intrusion and there is a brief trend. Your point of 'nipping' these disregards for my opinions and space 'in the bud' is a concern.
My fiancee is very interested in "keeping the peace." She is very distraught over this issue and she isn't as willing as I am to cut the cord to "nip it in the bud." She does acknowledge the heart of the problem and always makes a huge effort to incorporate me despite these problems- especially as evidenced in her efforts to discuss this issue with her family before preceding with the 'confrontation' as it were. Its unfortunate that, with the exception of the brother, the support has fallen apart under the use of guilt.
I may have a traditionally small role here, but aren't I entitled to make this selection without interference and the threats of forcing my fiancee to be caught in a family argument?
This whole situation is very bizarre to me. I'm not used to this type of behavior, and I'm unsure on how to proceed.
(This post was
edited by FBC123 on Aug 21, 2009, 11:59 PM)
Again, I agree the couple should be making these decisions, but that's not what your bride's mom feels, so the point is moot unless the bride wants to battle her mother. Since she doesn't, the only alternative I see is for the two of you to pay for the wedding so no one can tell uyou how to plan.
But, the bigger issue I see is the bride's reluctance to see the two of you as a couple and to show her parents a united front. I think the two of you should seek some counseling around this issue, which may become a stumbling block in your marriage of not settled.
I wish I could offer more help. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on Aug 22, 2009, 11:07 AM)
Again, I agree the couple should be making these decisions, but that's not what your bride's mom feels, so the point is moot unless the bride wants to battle her mother. Since she doesn't, the only alternative I see is for the two of you to pay for the wedding so no one can tell uyou how to plan.
She has gone with a very diplomatic angle of trying to garner support from the family. Unfortunately, this hasn't worked. My Fiancee is going to bat for me, and it is putting her in a very, very hard situation. I feel she has gone to bat for me, but it is met with a mother in law willing to take the discussion/argument/situation further than the fiancee.
I like the counseling idea myself. I really feel uncomfortable and confused with this situation.
I really wish it was just us making these decisions. We work together very well.
(This post was
edited by FBC123 on Aug 22, 2009, 12:04 PM)
Mom in law appointing groomsman
