Mother wants groom to ask his siter to be an honor attendant
My future daughter-in-law does not "like" my sons only sibling, a sister, who traditionally I thought would be honored with the request to be a bridesmaid. She was not. As what I considered an acceptable compromise she was to be a groom's Honor Attendent instead. So she would not be mistaken for a bridemaid she was going to wear an dress identical in color but different style, and wear a groomsmens boutaniere. His sister and I are the only members of his immediate family and therefore her being in the wedding party was a priority. My son admits she is important and in an effort to appease has offered a role in lighting a unity candle. While I appreciate his attempt I still think he has the right to select his sister as an Honor Attendant and to truly demonstrate this supposed family unity his bride to be should make this concession. Although I may be assuming a little here, I think she is somewhat jealous of his sisters good looks and has chosen to "dislike" her. The bride has spent less than 2 hours around her (I was there too & nothing happened to warrant the "dislike"). While I understand it is the brides day, I still can't help but feel the compromise of the grooms only sister as Honor Attendant should be made as a welcome gesture in the spirit of unity and as courtesy to myself. I know I can not make either the bride or groom accept this but it is of such exteme importance to me that I feel compelled to decline any involvement (i.e. pics, parties, rehearsal dinner, even reception) and simply attend the wedding. This distresses my son also but I can not leave my daughter so unwelcomed alone. I must support her too as she has no one else, while he at least has his new family. Was I expecting too much?
(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on Sep 29, 2007, 10:22 AM)
You siad, "it is of extreme importance to me", and this is the issue. The selection of bridesmaids is the bride's decision and it seems as though the two are not close so it wouldn't make sense for her to ask the groom's sister. The bride should only be asking those to whom she feels close. If your son wants to ask his sister to be an honor attendant, he should. This is his decision to make, not yours. If he wants his siter in this role, then he should ask her.
Whatever decision he makes is something you and your daughter must accept. Are you really willing to miss one of the most important days in you son's life (and in yours as well, as the mother of the groom)? Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Sep 29, 2007, 12:24 PM
Post #3 of 7
(677 views)
Re: [motheroftwo] Mother wants groom to ask his siter to be an honor attendant
[In reply to]
I completely agree. This isn't about you or your daughter. Just to be invited to the wedding demonstrates unity. Lighting a unity candle illustrates unity. Being invited to be one of the attendants is a very personal choice and must be made by the couple. Not being chosen is not a slight and shouldn't be viewed as an insult.
If you continue to push, you just may push your son away as well as your daughter in law to be. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
Thank you for your input. Please realize however this involves "uninviting" sister as she has already been told she was to be an Honor Attendant. Also, while I do realize it is the bride/grooms decision just as it was to make the first compromise. This change virtually excludes his family from the wedding party and therefore it is a slight. My son has said if the tables were turned and he didn't like one of her sisters he would without question never even suggest she be excluded from the wedding party let alone uninvited. Is not one of the purposes of this event to welcome and unite the two families? This action is not indicative of a welcome. I do plan to attend the wedding ceremony regardless but my daughter is apparently not welcome as family, and by extension, I do not feel welcome and that is why I am uncertain whether I will attend the other activities. I fear telling her she no longer can be an Honor Attendant will completely destroy any possible positive relationship with her future sister in law. Right now she is thrilled to be representing our little family in her brothers wedding and is totally unaware she is not liked or welcome.
motheroftwo
Sep 29, 2007, 1:23 PM
Post #5 of 7
(669 views)
Re: [Etiquette Now] Mother wants groom to ask his siter to be an honor attendant
[In reply to]
Thank you also for your input. If possible please review my response to TWQadmin and provide additional reply.
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Sep 29, 2007, 4:50 PM
Post #6 of 7
(665 views)
Re: [motheroftwo] Mother wants groom to ask his siter to be an honor attendant
[In reply to]
There are two issues here. One is that it is not mandatory to involve family as attendants in order to unite the family. Many only include their friends. After all it is their wedding. They shouldn't be pressured into asking family members to be attendants.
The second issue is the 'uninviting'. This is a slight. If your son invited his sister to be his honor attendant, then she should be his honor attendant. This is his decision, not his fiancee's. This is something your son should be discussing with his fiancee, because it is very hurtful. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
I didn't realize that her brother already asked his sister to be an honor attendant. It is his right to ask whomever he wishes to be in the wedding party. The bride doesn't have a say in this as they usually each select their own attendants. I couldn't tell why, or if, the offer was rescinded but, if it was, find out why. I think lots of conversation should be happening now between your son and his bride, your children and all of you as a family. No accusations of dislike - just some honest exchange of feelings. Star off with "I feel" rather than "you made me feel" and see if that doesn't get the conversation off on a positive note. Perhaps your clergy could provide assistance or a family counseling session could be helpful. I would hate for a misunderstanding keep all of you from enjoying a family event, including all of the aspects of the wedding like the rehearsal dinner and bridal shower. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Mother wants groom to ask his siter to be an honor attendant
