My fiancé has an interesting mix of friends. When he was younger he was slightly wild. Recently a strange friend from his past called, and my fiancé told his friend about the wedding. His friend immediately became excited and began insisting that he would be one of the groomsmen. Well, my fiancé did not know how to react, and feeling pressured, he told his friend that he could be one. The funny thing is that this "friend" did not even make our guest list. The problem gets worse because his "friend" has a drug problem. Now my fiancé and I do not engage in this type of behavior and nor do our friends and family. I am scared that this guy might get obnoxious or be found in the bathroom doing a rail of coke. My fiancé can only have 3 groomsman and wants one of his close friends to be his last gromsman; however, he has already agreed to let this other guy be one. We both feel sorry for this old friend has fallen down a bad path, but he isn't close enough to us to be in our wedding party. Help!!! How do we deal with this fragile ego, and also save ourselves from the embarrassment he may cause!!!
Jill
Psychotherapist: Second Weddings & Stepfamilies
Do you think your fiance could talk with this friend-from-the-past and say that now the plans are final he finds he cannot have as many groomsmen as he thought? If he then doesnt come to the wedding - so be it - and it may take the worry off your shoulders. Jill Curtis Psychotherapist, Author How to Get Married ... Again (A Guide to Second Weddings) London, UK http://www.familyonwards.com
I always encourage couples to look at challenges like this as a learning opportunity and a chance to connect around their styles and patterns of behavior.
There's a very simple process you can do to really learn from this experience. Just ask each other these questions and see what you discover:
1. What happened?
2. What worked?
3. What didn't work? And why?
4. What did we learn?
5. How do we quickly correct? (Jill's answer is a great solution; you may come up with another on your own).
The key here is to look at how the situation happened in the first place, and how to keep something like this from happening again. I'd be curious about (not blaming or shaming) your fiance's motivation behind saying yes in the first place. What was he thinking? What was he feeling? What happens for him under pressure? What happens for him when someone else is persistent and wants something he doesn't want? What does he think and feel when his needs, wants, or desires are in conflict with someone else's? What beliefs caused him to say yes? ...
All of these questions come from a genuine place of curiosity and seeking to understand. I don't assume for a minute that I know his truth, his answers. I'd like to support him on feeling more empowered in the moment to speak his truth, no matter what someone else might think or feel about it -- with kindness and respect.
Wishing you many blessings on your union! Emily Bouchard, MSSW, Life Coach, Speaker, and Trainer
Unwanted Groomsman
