Bridal Shower Blow-Up: Other Bridesmaid Taking Over the Shower and Expecting a Check
I want to apologize for how long this is going to be. I am in a wedding in September. The bride is a friend of mine from College - we have known each other for 6 years. There are 5 bridesmaids total - the bride's sister (MOH), the groom's sister, two college friends, and a friend from childhood (who, until the bride called to announce her engagement, she hadn't talked to or seen in 2 years).
About a month after the wedding talks began, I asked the bride if her sister (who is only 20 and in college) was planning the shower. The bride indicated to me that she wanted her mom to throw her shower b/c her sister couldn't afford to do it and who really didn't want to do it. I told her that I would be honored to throw her a shower if her mom didn't want to do it and since her sister wasn't willing to do it.
Well, her mom didn't want to throw the shower (big surprise, since family members shouldn't do it) and so the bride and the groom (I know him from College as well) asked me if I would be willing to perform more of the "MOH" duties since her sister was so young and uninterested (she won't even buy a dress - everyone else has theirs already, but the MOH is refusing to order the dress - she doesn't know if she is willing to wear it). Of course, I said I would be more than happy.
I started to plan things out and then come to find out the bride fed the same story to another bridesmaid (the childhood friend). So, we started emailing and calling each other to organize. This friend has a house with a lawn - I only have a condo with limited space. So, we agreed we would hold it at her house and split the cost. We both ran budgets and she came up with the shower estimated cost at $1,000 - for 35 guests. I told her I could not afford to spend that much on a shower - especially with all the other costs involved. I suggested some alternatives - like not catering (we are doing a brunch - I love cooking brunch food) which she agreed would be better. I also suggested a budget (I am an accountant - I love budgets) - no response from her or any of my other recent calls or emails, but...
6 weeks from the shower date, she is sending me (and the bride) catering menus to look over. I was really confused because we had agreed on something else. Meanwhile, the bride is starting to get more involved and is upset that this friend is not listening to her thoughts and suggestions. So, now the bride has asked her sister to be in-charge (the sister who didn't want anything to do with it 3 months ago) and delegate everything. The sister is not willing to help with the costs (even remotely) nor has she responded to emails or requests for calls back.
Today, the childhood friend called me and said she was concerned and I really thought we were airing our suggestions (during which she basically called me cheap for not wanting to spend $1,000 on the shower). Then, I get a call from the bride asking if I am OK b/c her childhood friend called her and said that we had words today. I am more confused than ever.
I told the bride that I didn't think that she should be fretting over this as she is having a stressful time as it is with other wedding details, but that she also cannot be telling each of us something different.
I insisted on a meeting to hash this all out. I love the bride and groom dearly, but I really don't want to be involved in something that causes me to feel bad about myself and frustrated every time it comes up.
Is it wrong for me to back out now and let the childhood friend and MOH deal with this? I don't want to be a bad friend, but I also don't just want to be a checkbook. Help!!! Please!!!
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Jun 2, 2007, 5:24 PM
Post #2 of 2
(817 views)
Re: [accountantgirl] Bridal Shower Blow-Up: Other Bridesmaid Taking Over the Shower and Expecting a Check
[In reply to]
Dear Accountantgirl,
Let's just look at the situation and what this should be. The shower is an optional party for which if more than one person wants to host all would have to agree to a budget. It should be a small, intimate party, which this seems to be--very good. So, you agreed to a certain type of party. She changed the rules.
By the way, I agree with you about the catering and not spending that much.
Now where to go with all of this? You really don't have to follow through with something you didn't agree to. You can absolutely stand your ground and inform the bridesmaid that you will participate on your own terms and only your terms. In my opinion, she should get the message that if she wants to spend $1000, she will be on her own.
Bridal Shower Blow-Up: Other Bridesmaid Taking Over the Shower and Expecting a Check
