Can a bridesmaid expect to participate with shower if she is not contributing?
I am the MOH in a wedding for a relative. The other bridesmaids expressed an interest in helping to plan and pay for a bridal shower. The families of the bride and groom are very very large. In order to prevent hurt feelings on both sides, the guest list grew to around 60 people. Naturally, this size of an event cannot be held in my home, and I do not have the time to personally cater for 60 people. Many of the guests are travelling a significant distance to attend and the bride is registered for many expensive items so I feel inclined to extend myself as the hostess in a gesture of hospitality to the shower guests by providing them with a substantial meal. Additionally, it is our family's tradition to have a meal at any event--cake and punch is not our tradition. I understand that there are general rules of etiquette, but I think that the family tradition also needs to be considered in making a judgement on what is the "proper" thing to do.
With all of that said, the other bridesmaids backed out of helping me finance the shower when they were told what it was going to cost. I priced everything out, found a very reasonable venue to hold the event it, worked with their event planner to cut the costs down even more and came up with a maximum contribution of around $250 per bridesmaid, which included food, favors, prizes, decorations, cake, invitations and a group gift for the bride. I am still going forward with the shower and financing it on my own (I am also strapped for cash, having recently graduated from college...I have picked up overtime hours at my job and made sacrifices in my spending on luxury things by treating myself to a little less for the time being.) I communicated that I would do the shower on my own to the other bridesmaids. Now, the bridesmaids who are unwilling to contribute financially have contacted me and expressed a desire to "be a part of planning the shower".
How can they expect to be a part of the planning when they are not financing it in any way? This does not make any sense to me. How do you expect to participate in something you have refused to pay for? How do I tell them politely that if they want to participate in planning then they need to contribute? Or am I wrong altogether?
Thanks!
(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on Apr 25, 2009, 9:51 AM)
Etiquette Now
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Re: Can a bridesmaid expect to participate with shower if she is not contributing?
[In reply to]
Dear Mizmoh,
Just because something is a family tradition doesn't mean that it is proper, fair, or even the most appropriate. Sometimes people just don't know any better but would benefit from knowing what is considered proper. Hopefully it isn't a family traditions to host such showers.
It really would have been better if you had read about bridal shower etiquette before planning. Your shower is very improper and unfair to wedding guests. Your many guests, whom you were worried about insulting, are now expected to purchase two gifts--wedding and shower. This isn't an honor.
You are hosting a mega shower that rivals a wedding reception (very negative)--no more than 35 guests should have been invited. The bride responds with registering for many expensive gifts. It appears she expects to make a huge hall. And, it is a surprise that the other bridesmaids would refuse to chip in for this? I sincerely hope no one is embarrassed by any of this.
There is nothing wrong with serving more substantial fair at the shower. It doesn't have to be catered and doesn't have to be a full meal. But, there is no rule that states that there can't be one. So, there is nothing wrong with that family tradition.
If the other bridesmaids don't want to contribute, they don't plan. But, they are invited and may help if you wish. They should not be punished or looked down upon because they didn't want to contribute to this improper, expensive party. To many, $250 per person is considered ridiculous on top of all their other expenses. I tend to agree.
Re: Can a bridesmaid expect to participate with shower if she is not contributing?
[In reply to]
I understand what you are saying. And no, I wasn't surprised that they refused to chip in. I am perfectly capable of financing the shower myself, which is why I chose to do so.
I don't think I was clear in my expression that the bride's family (and circle of friends) is unusually large. She is one of six siblings, all girls. Her mother is one of eight, six girls, two boys--both who are married. She has 14 female first cousins. There are 10 bridesmaids. She has a two grandmothers and two great grandmothers. The groom also has two grandmothers, a mother, a step mother, and two sisters. That already puts the list at very close to 35, including no friends or other more distantly related, but close relatives. Before I started the planning I received many many phone calls asking me when the shower would be held because everyone wanted to make it for the shower. This clearly demonstrates the no one feels put upon by having to buy gifts. They all WANT to be there, and if they don't it is well within their ability to decline the invitation.
Had I trimmed the guest list down to 35 people that would have meant the many of close relatives that are very important to the bride woluld have been excluded. I was in a situation in which I felt there was no other choice. I actually had done some reading on bridal shower etiquette prior to planning, and was aware that a "proper" shower was no more than 35 guests.
Thank you for answering my main question though. I feel good knowing allowing or not allowing them to help plan is at my discretion.
Can a bridesmaid expect to participate with shower if she is not contributing?
