Is it always wrong for MOG to give a casual shower amongst friends, or are there exceptions?
I am aware that typically it is not acceptable for a family member to host a shower. However, I am wondering about how etiquette is decided, since we often hear that it is changing over time. My reason is this. In our area, large church showers have been done for quite some time. It is fun to get together with the bride and open gifts. Also over time it has been accepted that many will give their shower/wedding gift at the shower. It is nice to be their during the opening. I am the mog and have considered giving a couples' shower- a barbecue. It would be fun and I have a friend who would help me. Our friends know that another gift would in no way be expected at the wedding. It's just a fun get-together, not a way to get more gifts. Would you say this is wrong?
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Mar 16, 2008, 2:41 PM
Post #2 of 2
(754 views)
Re: [mdf] Is it always wrong for MOG to give a casual shower amongst friends, or are there exceptions?
[In reply to]
Dear Mdf,
Unfortunately, you are mentioning another way to garner more gifts, not just a "fun get-together". Also, the events you are describing are not proper, but have been done for some time. It is usually because of a local or regional tradition. But, these are not considered appropriate etiquette.
For the large 'open church weddings' there is an open invitation for all to attend the wedding, but these guests are not considered 'invited' guests. These guests really shouldn't be invited to a shower, unless they are formally invited to the wedding. If they are invited to the wedding, they should ship a wedding gift to the couple before the wedding and be invited to a reception if there is one. This is the responsibility of the couple, except for the shower. This should be hosted by a friend of the couple. Guests should be close to the couple, not just parents' friends. And, there shouldn't be more than 35 guests.
Etiquette is based on what is considered appropriate for our society today. And, our couples today have many more choices and opportunities than we did in the past. Many of them have their own lives and jobs years before they marry, which wasn't as common a couple of generations ago.
Gifts are not the focus in today's weddings or at least they shouldn't be. Even the shower has gone gift-less for many couples. And, the shower you describe isn't a shower in any book I have read, even the most recent.
Mothers still shouldn't host showers as it still seems self-serving--garnering the most gifts possible. And, wedding gifts really shouldn't be opened as a shared activity. When the activity is a group activity, it could become a competition--who gave what and who gave the best gift. Parents really shouldn't know this information, because many times they will discuss it or complain about a gift that wasn't given or may feel a guest is less than generous.
Etiquette is fair and logical. Guests to weddings shouldn't feel as if they are being bilked for more. They are only witnesses to a happy union.
Is it always wrong for MOG to give a casual shower amongst friends, or are there exceptions?
