I have been planning a wedding since february of this year. The wedding is in 5 weeks. We have the guest list set and my finace and i had invitations for 60-75 people. that's what i had the cake made for and i can deal w/ that number of people (very shy and bashful... don't handle large crowds worth a darn). anyways everything was going smoothly until the church decides to throw us a wedding shower... they ask me for a list, which i gave them. then a week after that i find out that they have invited not only the people on the list but also, the entire congregation of the church, which i'm not happy about because no one asked me if that was all right. i know if they are invited to the shower they should be invited to the wedding... but i did not budget for that many people nor do i want to deal w/ them. also to make matters worse i find out that my finace's mother decided to invite people that we did not send invitations to and was not going to tell us... just let them show up... i have thought about moving the wedding but am still at a loss for a good plan of action.
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Aug 26, 2004, 5:38 PM
Post #2 of 5
(3722 views)
Re: [okiegal] Question about what to do w/ wedding
[In reply to]
Dear Okiegal,
Love the name, by the way.
I'm at a loss too. This is a mess. Since the extra people were invited by others, not you, couldn't you simply limit the number of guests invited to the reception? If the wedding is in the same location as the wedding that will not work. But, if it is in a different location, you could tell everyone who is meddling not to invite anyone else to the reception and enjoy your small number of guests.
I have had a few brides tell me that their guest list was getting out of control due to ... well, others. Most of them had similar problems with their church congregation. It seemed as if all of a sudden everyone was invited to their weddings.
So, a few of the brides opened their weddings up to the entire congregation and had an open reception at which everyone contributed to a pot luck. No, I don't normally think this is such a great idea. And, in many cases it is tacky, but when the guest list is out of your hands and the party is growing, it is time to get creative.
I feel for you Okiegal. Hopefully others will have some creative ideas for you also. Perhaps something that doesn't include so many people. Shy and bashful doesn't mix well with the entire congregation of a church.
Re: [okiegal] Question about what to do w/ wedding
[In reply to]
Dear Okiegal,
This is your wedding and you should not allow anyone else to influence how much you spend and when your wedding takes place. It seems as though others tend to think of you as someone they can manipulate, and so you need to make a stand now to show them that this is not so.
With regard to the church, you followed etiquette rules and just gave the church the list of those invited to the wedding. Whoever handled this at the church went against the rules by inviting people not on your list.
Here is what I would do. Contact the person at the church who sent out the shower invitations (we'll call her Pat) and insist on getting an entire shower guest list. Explain to Pat that you did not plan a large wedding and do not want one now. Explain that you, therefore, cannot attend a shower where guests who are not invited to the wedding bring gifts for you. Tell Pat that you want to send out a letter to those on the church's shower invitation list who were not invited to the wedding. That letter will explain that if they still want to attend the shower they can, but they should not bring gifts because you will not accept them. Tell Pat, emphatically, that you will not attend the shower at all unless that list is given to you.
All you need to say in the letter is something like the following.
John and I wished for and have planned a small, intimate wedding. I have discovered that you have been inadvertently, invited to a bridal shower for me even though you have not been invited to our wedding. While I appreciate the good wishes of all our fellow church members, I do not want, nor will I accept, any gifts from those of you who will not be attending our wedding. If you still wish to attend the shower, you will be warmly greeted. Thank you for your understanding. Jane Doe.
With regard to your future mother-in-law, it is even more important that you start off the way you intend to continue, and that is without allowing your future mother-in-law to walk over you.
Ask your mother-in-law, in a friendly but firm way, for the addresses of those extra people she invited (or you may want to have your fiancé do this). Send out the same letter (take out the "of all our fellow church members").
Let us know how this turns out.
Sandy Riffman
purple
Deleted
Aug 30, 2004, 9:59 AM
Post #4 of 5
(3670 views)
Re: [B Shower Expert] Question about what to do w/ wedding
[In reply to]
In Reply To
All you need to say in the letter is something like the following.
John and I wished for and have planned a small, intimate wedding. I have discovered that you have been inadvertently, invited to a bridal shower for me even though you have not been invited to our wedding. While I appreciate the good wishes of all our fellow church members, I do not want, nor will I accept, any gifts from those of you who will not be attending our wedding. If you still wish to attend the shower, you will be warmly greeted. Thank you for your understanding. Jane Doe.
I don't know what the etiquette says in this situation, but I have to agree that it seems right to let guests know. I agree with the advice given above, but with some suggestions for modifications.
You might want to give the person who created this mess the opportunity to save face and fix it herself. As far as telling her you're refusing to go...Maybe instead, tell her you're really, really uncomfortable with this and want to make sure the guests who attend the shower aren't expecting to attend the wedding. Discuss with her that this is seriously outside of normal etiquette for showers. Ask her if she would send a note saying, "We're looking forward to seeing you at the shower. I did want to let you know of a snafoo. I wasn't aware [[even if she was, just let her save face here]] that the guest list for the actual wedding was as small as it is. The B & G have since shared with me their desire and intention to keep their guest list small. That being the case, I wanted to let you know that you're still more than welcome to come to the shower and wish the couple well. We'd enjoy seeing you, and please know that gifts are not required."
If she won't send it, you could (carefully) consider sending the letter yourself. No offense to the last poster, but I'm not in favor of the idea of refusing to attend the shower or refusing to accept gifts. I think your etiquette obligation will be met if you let guests know the situation and let them make up their own minds. If she won't send the letter and no one will give you the shower guest list, then at that point, you would be faced with a decision to either attend as is or to ask the hostess to cancel the shower. Hope to hear back from you about how it went!
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Aug 30, 2004, 12:13 PM
Post #5 of 5
(3666 views)
Re: [okiegal] Question about what to do w/ wedding
[In reply to]
A letter from the bride sounds like an appropriate solution, but she is not the host of the event. Plus, to dis-invite people is not polite. If Okiegal would want to travel this road at all, it would be best for the people who did the inviting to do the dis-inviting, not her. Just a suggestion.
I agree that it is intolerable for others to push people around and try to make decisions for them. It is Okiegal's wedding after all. But, it is ultimately her decision what road she wishes to venture.
Let's just think this entire situation through a little. If she vehemently declares that this is not what I want and I refuse to attend, return the gifts, which all of us know that refusing a gift is tantamount to a slap in the face, she runs the risk of alienating a high number of people in her life. This is a very slippery slope for her.
Sometimes etiquette seems as though it is just a bunch of stuffy rules for stuffy people, but it is simply the protocol we use in a certain situation in order to be perceived as a civilized person. Just think of our behavior at a rock concert compared to our behavior in a quiet doctor's office. Each situation requires a different protocol.
So because we are expected to behave in a certain manner in situations, we really should think these things through--just a little. I believe that it is best to ask ourselves what is the most kind, considerate, respectful, yet logical action to take? And we have to make those decisions ourselves, hopefully based on mannerly guidelines.
Question about what to do w/ wedding
