I'm originally from the East Coast and currently live in the West Coast where I met my fiancé. We're getting married here on the West Coast next year and have started planning.
My parents are hosting a reception after our wedding on the East Coast for all my side of the family and friends who can't make the wedding since most won't be able to make the trip to the west coast. Our East coast invites will all receive a regular invite to the wedding and in addition we will include details for the local reception for those who won't be able to attend the wedding.
That being said, my fiancé’s sister is the MOH, and she is putting together a shower for my fiancé and wants to send invitations for the shower to all of my side of the family's invited wedding guests. I spoke with my parents about this, and because my side of the family/friends won't be able to make the shower, they feel its best not to send shower invites. They feel it would give the impression of a plea for gifts & money mainly because they won't be there to enjoy the dinner/lunch. They feel it's best to just invite them to the wedding, those who can come great, and those who can't but can make the local reception, that's just as good. And as far as gifts are concerned, they feel they'll leave it up to their iguests, if they wish to give a little more because they weren't invited to a shower, great, if not, so be it.
Well, this started a feud, believe it or not. My fiancé’s sister & mother have now instilled in my fiancé’s mind that she is getting the short end of the stick. They are telling her that it's not right that my parents don't want to send their guests invites to the shower and that the shower here is going to be miserable because she will have few gifts to open and that the point of the shower is for both the grooms & brides side of the family to bring gifts to help the new couple start off their lives. They're telling her that it doesn't matter where the guests are, that they can send gifts.
I told my fiancé that my parents would be glad to include their invites if it were on the East Coast, but because it isn't and their invites would not be there to join in on the dinner/lunch, they feel it's too much to send an invite and have them feel obligated to send a gift. My fiancé’s response is that my side of the family/friends will only give a gift at the reception on the East Coast that my parents are hosting whereas her invites here in the West Coast will be giving a gift for the shower & the wedding. She feels she's being shortchanged from my side of the family and that it's not fair.
Long story short (already long...), I spoke with my family, and even suggested that there isn't a difference if my parent's guests couldn't make the shower. Instead of giving $100 as gift for example, and enjoying a dinner/lunch at the shower, they could send $50, or whatever to compensate for not physically being at the shower. I even went so far as to say that I expect that they would do the same for me as they did for my sisters wedding. They agreed that they want to do the same for me as they did for my sister wedding. So they decided to give us money to compensate for us not getting gifts from their side of the family.
So now I feel like a complete ass, and feel my parent's think my fiancé is a bridezilla and is money/gift hungry. In essence, my parents giving us money is like putting a lollypop in a kid’s mouth to shut him up. Is there a right/wrong approach to all this? Should I have done something different? Is my fiancé being too greedy?
(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on Oct 2, 2008, 10:07 AM)
John - I don't even know where to begin with this. We have a lot of posts on bridal shower etiquette so you and your fiance should probably review them all.
In a nutshell - showers are optional. Only those invited (and attending, really) the wedding should be invited to the shower. Reception guests are not obligated to send a gift since gifts are only expected from wedding guests. There's just so much wrong with your story, but, the biggest issue I see is the focus on gifts. I've said this before and I'll say it again - weddings are not (should not be) planned so the couple can get lots of gifts or pad their bank account. Weddings are hosted so that those closest to the wedding couple can witness the exchange of vows and celebrate with them afterwards. If you would all focus on the planning of the ceremony and reception, making the couple during the ceremony, and the guests comfort and enjoyment during ceremony and reception (since they are your guests and you are entertaining them) the focus, you'll be better off in the end.
Forget the dollar amount and gift expectations and plan a wedding that you will all remember. Trust me - most gifts are used and spent leaving only your memories, love and relationships to carry one.
I hope I've left you with some thinking to do. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
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edited by TWQadmin on Oct 2, 2008, 10:17 AM)
I totally agree. I think every bride, groom and family should read "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" before planning their wedding. Nancy Tucker President of Weddings Beautiful US http://www.weddingsbeautiful.com
I couldn't agree more Please ask your bride to read our many posts. And, please remind your bride that her mother should not be involved in any way in this shower, because mothers tend to try to garner the most gifts possible. It is only human nature. It sounds as if the shower is off the charts already--to invite all of the wedding guests from your side? That is not good.
If a shower is held, it is supposed to be a small, intimate affair with only those close to the couple invited. To invite lots of guests with the picture of gifts dancing to a greedy tune is, well, greedy.
And, cash is not an appropriate shower gift. Those not attending the shower are not obligated to send a gift either.
All of this emphasis on gifts when the gift-less shower is gaining ground is disheartening. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
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edited by TWQadmin on Oct 2, 2008, 1:14 PM)
Shower Mayhem
Please ask your bride to read our many posts. And, please remind your bride that her mother should not be involved in any way in this shower, because mothers tend to try to garner the most gifts possible. It is only human nature. It sounds as if the shower is off the charts already--to invite all of the wedding guests from your side? That is not good. 