I had my "wedding" shower this past weekend. Very un-traditional, everyone on the invite list was invited to the shower. It was supposed to be a surprise, I wasn't surprised. My matron of honor, hosted the party, my parents paid for it all. My MOH ordered food neither I nor my fiancee like, hosted in on a holiday weekend and made sure that we knew she wanted everyone out at a certain time. When the time was up she changed out of her nice clothes into sweats, she forgot the games she was going to play, and informed us that we should tell our family it was getting late. Needless to say it has been hard to appreicate this event and keep my mouth shut about being surprised. But it hasn't stopped, now it seems as though my fiancee and I need to be extra nice to my MOH because she threw the party in the first place. So my question is, is it polite to tell her what I really think about everything or should I just stay quiet, thank her for the shower and hope it goes away? I don't want to be rude.
Since she wasn't obligated to host a shower at all, and I assume you got some nice gifts and had some good company (or something positive came out of it), my advice would be to thank her for hosting the party and leave it at that.
Enjoy the rest of the wedding planning... Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Wow! She hosted a gift giving shower for you and you are complaining? Hum. And, all invited to the wedding were invited to a shower?! Jeez.
This means that everyone invited to your wedding gave you at least two gifts and you are focused on an the behavior of an overwhelmed host of your bridal shower. Most of us agree that the host has every right to set a time period for this type of party. Good guests know when the party is over. We would hope anyway.
This shower shouldn't have been held in the first place. Parents shouldn't pay (there are exceptions if they are very silent partners) and hopefully weren't involved in inviting. Not everyone invited to the wedding are invited to a shower. This is called greed. And, finally when someone does something for us or gives something to us, we thank them. This is called being grateful. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
Rabitt
Sep 7, 2007, 7:27 AM
Post #4 of 8
(1408 views)
Re: [Et.byRebecca] When is enough enough
[In reply to]
First of all I didn't host the party so I had no say in who was invited. So if someone was greedy it wasn't me - but thanks anyway.
You are absolutely right she hosted a gift giving party and I was very grateful, my concern is how grateful should I be? Does it say in some etiquette book that I should have to grovel, praise, and turn my life upside down because she did something I didn't ask her to do and wasn't obligated to do. I thanked her, I told her how much I appreciated it and it still seems like I owe her something. Which is why I mentioned that my parents paid for everything. Again I didn't host this party so I didn't have a say in who financed it.
I am having a destination wedding, so other then parents everyone that was at the party won't be at the wedding so I don't expect anything from them. I didn't expect anything from anyone anyway.
Maybe its because I didn't give my life history but "overwhelmed host" is far from accurate. Everyone knew when the party was supposed to end, is it really my responsibility as the "guest of honor" to tell everyone to leave?
And as a final note, as I mentioned in my first post and this one, I was grateful for the party and the gifts, but when is enough enough! My initial inquiry was about the proper way to thank someone who seems to be hounding you about it, your response was in so many words calling me a greedy ungrateful brat and I don't appreciate it. So thank you for your un-informed opinion and thank you to TWQadmin for responding to my actual question.
I'm sorry if I didn't understand that you actually did thank her. It appeared from your many complaints about the party that you were not thankful and her guests, your family, wouldn't leave. You stated that it appears that you must be nice to her now. That should have been the case anyway. So, it is very confusing.
It is very good that you did thank her.
But, a thank you note and usually flowers are the proper gift for the host of a shower.
FYI: only those invited to the wedding may be invited to a shower. So, the person who gave her a guest list is also responsible for a major etiquette breach. If you knew about the party, even though it was supposed to be a surprise, it would have been best to ask her to cancel it. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
It's always difficult to give specific answers in these short posts because there is usually a lot more to the story than meets the eye, as we have found in your response, letting us know that most of the guests weren't invited to the wedding. Hopefully, these people won't be too insulted.
It's also hard to read an inflection in a voice which makes knowing what's in the heart and the intention difficult to determine too so, we sometimes get the scenarios wrong. If we have offended you, I apologize.
I think Rebecca already answered your question, but, I agree with her. If you've sent a note and thanked her personally then that should be enough, move on. If she's acting insulted or entitled it's her issue, not yours. She'll have to get over that. Of course, we are answering based on having only your side of the story.
Have a good trip! Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Rabitt
Sep 7, 2007, 12:47 PM
Post #7 of 8
(1390 views)
Re: [TWQadmin] When is enough enough
[In reply to]
I completely understand and agree to the difficulty of your jobs. I read somewhere that this is the worst form of communication. Thank you both for your opinions and suggestions.
Maybe not the worst but it is difficult. The best way to resolve many of these wedding issues is with real communication with the person with whom you're having the issue. We're just here to fill in the gaps and give you the facts with which you'll base that communication on...
Glad we can be of some help. Have a good trip. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
When is enough enough
but it is difficult. The best way to resolve many of these wedding issues is with real communication with the person with whom you're having the issue. We're just here to fill in the gaps and give you the facts with which you'll base that communication on... 