I am the MOH in my good friends wedding. I live out of town and so do all of the other 5 bridesmaids. I am 12 hours away, a couple are 6 and the others are within 4hours. My mother who is still in town has offered to throw the shower "on our behalf" meaning we get credit and attend if possible (which we all will because we have pretty much been threatened with death if we don't) but she will pay and do the planning because she is in town. Then the bride tells me that there will be 55 people invited! Most of which are family that live an hour away from where the shower would be held. (my mother would go as high as 30 in her home) I said I thought that was a crazy number and with that much family there should be a separate shower thrown by the family. (Mind you the groom's mother is even throwing one for her to involve his family). She is not close with the majority of the family members and is insistent that they are "too cheap" to throw one for her. Why should I be burdened by paying for all of them to come and eat when they hardly speak to them and the family doesn't care enough to throw one for her? Not to mention trying to throw a shower when all of the bridesmaids are out of town is a mighty feat in itself. I also feel like the generosity of my mother has been spat on. Am I crazy? My personal opinion is that if you aren't close to them invite them to the wedding to get a gift but not to a shower I am not the meal ticket and if they are too cheap to throw one then why in God's name would they travel an hour away to attend one? Please help! I feel compelled to do this but none of us are wealthy we are all in our early twenties. Not to mention when you choose an entire bridal party of out of towners you should expect that some things will have to vary from "traditional wedding rules"
I should also mention that I do understand it is not customary and frowned upon for the family to throw a shower. But a family to throw a family only shower does not seem inappropriate to me - it is a family celebrating the event and showing the bride how much they care rather than a show to get gifts.
(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on Sep 26, 2005, 6:16 AM)
Games Hostess
Sep 25, 2005, 10:48 PM
Post #2 of 5
(1271 views)
Re: [cools] Help! 55+ to ivite to a shower do I really need to do this?
[In reply to]
Hi Cools,
The hostess CAN set a limit to the number of people invited, especially since it's being held in your mother's home and paid for by her. But it's not always easy to tell the Bride no, as you have found out.
Since the bride insists on her guest list, you can do a couple of things:
1) host outdoors (weather permitting) at a different venue and make it a barbeque picnic at the park
2) if there are other "in town" guests invited, find out who can help - even if they bring food, it's something!
3) control costs by limiting food, skipping the meal and providing only a few finger foods, and skipping alcohol
Try to get creative and see if 55+ is at all possible, because if not, you'll be stuck with the hard task of insisting that the bride shorten the list to 30, or even backing out if she can't be considerate enough to do so. And this is not an easy thing to do without someone getting hurt feelings.
Re: [cools] Who needs to be invited to a bridal shower?
[In reply to]
Great ideas.
But, a bridal shower is an optional event. One that should not include a huge amount of people or be hosted by family. I do agree with you that it makes sense that if the shower only includes family that family should host it. But, the problem here is that family members can be competitive also. They may feel as if one side doesn't spend as much as the other side... you know where this leads. This is why is it still not a good idea.
The host is the only person who sets the limit of guests, not the honored guest. So, the bride can say that she wants 55, but your mother gets the final word. Your mother could tell her that she will host for 30 but no more. The bride will need to cut her list.
A bridal shower is not only a gift giving situation, but an opportunity for guests to the wedding to feel as if they are a part of the wedding planning process. How is this possible with 55 people?
Re: [Et.byRebecca] Who needs to be invited to a bridal shower?
[In reply to]
I think I love you Rebecca - that is the answer I was looking for. My mother and I both found the entire situation one born of greed. When you are not close with your family it makes it all the more obvious that you simply want gifts. Thankfully I can wait until the new year to suss it all out but it was grating on my nerves. You made me feel much better. I almost can't wait for the reaction - fireworks all around! Thanks again.
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Sep 26, 2005, 11:47 AM
Post #5 of 5
(1244 views)
Re: [cools] Who needs to be invited to a bridal shower?
[In reply to]
I'm so glad that I could help. And...Thank you! It is wonderful to be loved :)
Good luck with the fireworks. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
Who needs to be invited to a bridal shower?
