One of my best friends is getting married & asked me to be one of four bridesmaids. From the start of planning the shower, I felt like I wasn’t involved in any of the planning. Most of the communication was via email since everyone is in a different state. I suggested a couple of places for the shower to be held and before I knew it, the bridesmaids went ahead & booked the shower without even consulting me on a date. (They had emailed me but booked it w/in 5 days of that email, before I had a chance to respond). When I told them I had another wedding to attend that weekend, I was told that a security deposit was already put down, that it was an inconvenience to rebook, & if I couldn’t attend on that date, that I had to call & rebook the room. (when I did end up calling to rebook, it was already rescheduled by one of the other bridesmaids). I had mentioned to them all at the beginning stages of planning that I couldn’t spend a fortune on the shower and suggested we get creative in ways of planning the event. Months went by and I emailed them all asking for a general idea on the expense for the shower, as I have 4 other weddings this year and needed to set a budget. I emailed them 3 times over the course of 3 weeks before I finally got this as a response from the groom’s sister “I have no idea what the shower is estimated to cost, call the place we’re having it and ask them”. Well, I did call them and they told me that no one had picked out menu options at this point. So, I emailed them all back and said that I would be contributing $250 for the shower, which I felt was more than fair. Well, it didn’t take long for them all to start sending me emails saying that $250 wasn’t nearly enough (they then estimated it would cost $450-500 per bridesmaid) and they shouldn’t be expected to pick up my “monetary slack”, especially when I picked the place we were going to host it at) I was absolutely horrified and didn’t want to call the bride on any of this because I didn’t want to get her involved. So, I simply told them that I would not be attending the shower but I would still contribute the $250 that I said I would. The bride found out that I wasn’t going to be coming to the shower and called me up, told me that I was taking away from her day by making the whole situation about me and then proceeded to ask me “what my problem was?” She said that if I couldn’t make it to the shower, then I probably shouldn’t be in the wedding (although she’d still like me to attend) because she didn’t want be backing out of that 3 weeks before the wedding, fearing if I couldn’t face the bridesmaids at the shower, how could I possibly confront them at the wedding? She told me that she needed someone whom she could count on and I just wasn’t that dependable. On top of that, she accused me of lying to her about the entire situation because she heard the other women’s versions of the whole ordeal. So, now I am not in the wedding. I do not have any intention of going to her wedding. I am, however, very sad and hurt that I am losing my friendship with her. What do you make of the entire situation? On top of that, I sent her a check for $140 for my bridesmaid dress, which I never received. I know it’s not a lot of money, but the fact that she accused me of being a liar and completely not taking into consideration the position I was put in, just makes me angry. Am I entitled to the money back for the dress? I apologize for this long & drawn out email but I just don’t know what to do.
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Jul 6, 2005, 10:17 AM
Post #2 of 2
(1093 views)
Re: [shawmut24] out of control bridal shower
[In reply to]
Dear Out of Control,
You named this post correctly. I don't know how the bridal shower came to this--so out of control. The bridal shower doesn't have to be so costly. $250 is a huge amount per bridesmaid, let alone $450-$500. It should be a small affair of those close to the bride.
I know that some people really try to make this a beautiful, elegant affair. And, this is great. But, if these costs are to be shared, everyone should be on the same page and agree. The bridal shower is an optional event. It is also not mandatory for the bridesmaids to host. It is their decision to do so.
I hear from so many wedding guests these days about how they resent feeling obligated to give a bride multiple gifts just because she chose to marry. If the bridal shower, bridesmaids and bride's behavior continue along these lines, many more people will begin to feel that the bridal shower should be history. It doesn't have to be like this.
I'm sorry that this happened to you.
As far as the dress is concerned, well... you could ask for the money, but typically that money is gone. You should be able to receive the dress if you paid the entire cost of it. It would be yours. But, if it was just the down payment, this is a gray area.
The only thing that suggests a bit of culpability on your part is that you didn't respond in a timely manner to the one email. Five days is a long time when someone is trying to plan something. Just imagine if everyone took more than five days to respond. Nothing could get done. But, this still doesn't explain the money issue.
out of control bridal shower
