I have been to a number of showers (bridal & baby) over the past 3 or 4 years at tearooms. In each instance each guest paid for their own tea/food and the "organizer-or MOB" depending on the situation brought a cake. I'm reading so many post all over the net that say this isn't acceptable...after I've started planning a gathering in honor of a friend. It is a lingerie shower and will be casual. I am not in the wedding.
1. is it completely unacceptable to do a party this way?
2. if it is not a complete faux pas to do this, what is the proper wording to put on an invitation?
It is impolite to host a shower and ask your guests to pay for themselves. When you host, you pay. And, just a reminder, only those invited to the wedding are to be invited to the shower. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
As I see it, I am not hosting-I'm coordinating a gathering in someone's honor. It is an out of state wedding and none of the women that will be at the shower will attend the wedding-not even me. Does this make a difference?
Semantics. If you are planning this party, then you are hosting/inviting.
However, the bigger issue is that, anyone invited to a shower, which is a gift giving event, in the bride's honor should be invited to the wedding. Inviting a guest to a gift giving event, and not to the wedding, sends a negative message insinuating they are good enough to bring a gift to a shower, but not good enough to invite to the wedding. We have had many, many posts from disgruntled "guests" on this topic.
It is very generous of you to want to do this for the bride, but I doubt you would want to be involved with a party that will most likely be perceived negatively.
Best of Luck, Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
So then, am I correct in saying that there should be no shower at all (at least one attended by these particular women) since none of them are invited to the wedding?
Yes, you are correct. You can review the many other posts we have on this same topic by using the search or scanning the shower forum. Sorry. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
The point is twofold. The party shouldn't even be hosted because of the issues stated above and when hosting a gift giving event you never ask guests to pay. (This isn't like a Red Hat affair where all of the women in the club have agreed in advance to participate in the upcoming events and will pay their way.) The second point is moot since the shower is not appropriate.
However, there are no etiquette police so, you can host and plan whatever sort of party you like. But, you did ask us for advice based on etiquette, which is the focus of this website, and we have given the answer. You can choose to follow, or not. It is your choice.
Good Luck To You - Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
I would add, though, that anyone who hosts an event and expects her guests to pay for it is usually considered less than socially savvy. It does not reflect well upon that person. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
tea room "shower"
If you are planning this party, then you are hosting/inviting. 
