My husband is an usher in his male cousins wedding. We live 1.5-2 hours away from the marrying couple, close to many aunts and other extended family. The aunts and I wanted to hold a bridal shower near our home, so I called the bride approx two months before the wedding to see when would be a good date and was informed that no date was good since she was so busy with wedding plans and that her aunt was throwing a shower close to her home, we should plan on attending her aunt's shower, and that was the only one she was interested in attending. I pointed out to her that in such a large extended family (the groom's mother is one of a dozen) that their policy is to host a party and that if she declined our invitation to host one that most of the women in our neighborhood would not attend her aunts shower. She said that would be their choice. I informed the other relatives of our conversation and when I received the invite to her shower it turned out to be on a day I had other things planned and so I did not attend. When I asked who else had attended, I learned that, as I expected, none of the other relatives had gone. They still plan on throwing her a shower and if she chooses not to attend then thats her choice. On top of that, the groom's parents are very hurt that no one attended and are very vocal about it, even though they had been warned weeks ahead of time.
What would you do?
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Jul 28, 2004, 2:49 PM
Post #2 of 5
(2954 views)
Re: [maseltun] unasked for bridal shower
[In reply to]
Dear Unasked,
Wow! This is a mess. First of all, no family member should ever host a shower. None. It is as if begging for gifts for the family. Secondly, no one should threaten or try to coerce someone to have a party that they do not want. It was not fair to the bride to attend a shower, in her honor, if the situation was right for everyone else.
But, then again this is just another reason why family member should never host showers.
If the rest of the family hosts a shower for her when she does not want it and will not attend, it is not a shower for her. It is a party for you. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
Nancy Tucker
PRESIDENT - WEDDINGS BEAUTIFUL
Jul 28, 2004, 3:14 PM
Post #3 of 5
(2949 views)
Re: [maseltun] unasked for bridal shower
[In reply to]
I second what Rebecca has said. I think you also have to ask who is the shower for the couple or the family. This is their wedding and if they don't want to attend, as Rebecca says, have a party for you. Nancy Tucker President of Weddings Beautiful US http://www.weddingsbeautiful.com
TWQadmin
FORUM EXPERT
/ Moderator
Jul 28, 2004, 6:15 PM
Post #4 of 5
(2944 views)
Re: [maseltun] unasked for bridal shower
[In reply to]
Since her shower has already passed just send a gift with your apologies for not being able to attend and leave it at that. In the future, if you find yourself in a similar situation with the bride wanting only one shower, accept the shower invitation graciuosly so as not to cause a rift between new family members. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
purple
Deleted
Aug 10, 2004, 9:14 AM
Post #5 of 5
(2894 views)
Re: [maseltun] unasked for bridal shower
[In reply to]
Interesting. The definition of etiquette is "socially acceptable behavior". Thus, by its very definition, etiquette is very subjective. In many families, it is tradition for the family to give the Bride a shower for only family members to attend. In my area, the Groom's or Bride's family almost always hosts the shower. If this is tradition and does not offend anyone within the family, then I don't see why it would be wrong. It would be the same as what you do for birthdays, get together and give gifts. I agree that a family member hosting a shower and inviting a whole slew of non-family guests could be viewed as a little tacky, since non-family members don't have the same social norms as a family generally does, and they might see it as begging for gifts. I really don't think it's a big deal though. Brides are more likely to be independent adults nowadays (not young & living with their parents), so it's obvious that the family members are not the beneficiaries of the shower. There are obviously those out there who disagree with this, but it's just a matter of opinion.
Anywhoo...It can be a bit difficult for the Bride to have multiple showers, but that's not an excuse for her behavior. She should have just accepted your offer and left it at that. Since she's said no, you are under no obligation to keep offering it to her, and I suspect if you do, it will make her feel like you're trying to force it.
(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on Aug 10, 2004, 9:52 AM)
unasked for bridal shower
