Hello, I have read on different sites that it is not appropriate to invite guests to a wedding shower if they are not invited to the destination wedding. We are planning a bridal shower for the families of both the bride and groom. They all have been verbally invited to the wedding in the Bahamas, though no formal invitations were sent out. I would understand the reasoning of not inviting friends and co-workers to the shower, but I feel family may be different. Is it appropriate to have a family shower? No reception is planned when the bride and groom return. I am already paying for 3 of the rooms at an expensive cost for seven nights as well as airfare. There will be 20 friends and family at the destination wedding, can I only include those 20 in the shower?
Only those invited to any type of wedding may be invited to a shower. Plus, we don't include a shower when the wedding is that small because it is like asking for two gifts from each guest. So, there should be no shower for this wedding.
The couple or their family shouldn't request, plan, or host a shower either.
The couple is only responsible for the lodging expenses of their attendants.
Am I correct then, that a reception held when the couple returns from their wedding is also not acceptable. Guests would have been invited but unable to attend, therfore no reception either? We are planning on a dinner reception for the guests in Nassau, buy never considered that a shower or reception is not acceptable etiquette.
A reception later on is fine. You jst wouldn't invite guests to a shower if they were not also invited to the wedding (meaning the ceremony). Hosting a reception later on for those you couldn'invite to the destination or those who couldn't travel is fine. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Absolutely. In fact, it is quite common to host a reception at home after a destination wedding. Just make sure that all wedding guests are also invited to the second reception as well, because it may appear as if it is the 'real' reception.
The reception is not a gift giving event. So, please do not mention gifts unless someone asks what you would like. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
I always felt I was well educated and brought up with a family with great integratey and sometimes to high a since of etiquette, if that is possible. I have never heard of a reception as a non giving event. I was under the impression I should spend as much on the gift as the family had spent on my portion of the dinner. While I believe you should never ask for a gift or refer to a registry in the invitaions, I do believe a wedding reception has always been a gift giving event.
The wedding (ceremony) is the gift giving event, not the reception. That is why it is not proper to invite a guest to the ceremony and not to the reception. Many are confused by this, you're not alone. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
I completely agree. Many are confused by this. Plus, most of us do give to a couple if only invited to the reception by shipping a gift to the couple. But, it is not obligatory. We just feel as if it is the right thing to do.
Please reconsider that idea of giving a gift based on how much the couple spends on a dinner for each guest. This has never been an etiquette rule. There is no way it could be, as we should never know how much each dinner costs. Plus, guests should never be expected to pay for their dinner--extremely impolite. So, this 'rule' never was, and isn't, polite. I have no idea how this idea was circulated, but hopefully we can quell it now. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
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edited by TWQadmin on Oct 28, 2007, 10:36 PM)
After receiving both of your responses I decided to do more research. After reading many etiquette columns, I believe I came up with the best answer. I do not totally disagree with you, but some of answers seem stiff and antiquated. I have since learned that a bridal shower is to shower the couple with the gifts they will need to start their married lives. You would not want to hurt a guest by inviting them to a bridal shower and not the wedding. It is to protect the guest feelings, as well not wanting to appear as asking for a gift. Where others differ from you is, a destination wedding is eliminated from this type of thinking because chances are many people will not be able to attend. SO... if someone would like to give a destination bride a shower they should do so. The bride to be should graciously accept and not be concerned about the traditional shower rule. I could find no other sites that were as harsh as you were with etiquette.
I don't know where you read this bit of advice but I disagree with it and so does Peggy Post in her newest book of etiquette which came out in January. Frankly, anyone can post whatever they like on the internet and claim to be an expert. We like to trust the majority of the most popular wedding etiquette resources such as Peggy Post.
The bottom line is that if you're not inviting this person to your wedding, they shouldn't be invited to a shower. I know I wouldn't appreciate that. It would be like saying to me, Hey, I'd love for you to come to a shower and give me a gift but I'm afraid I cannot afford to invite you to my wedding and entertain you afterwards. You're just not important enough to be invited. I'd be insulted.
It doesn't matter if I can attend or not, but you are choosing not to invite me.
When you ask guests to travel to a destination wedding they are already incurring a great deal of expenses, so asking fo them to add another gift to their expense list is not considerate.
Plus, most couples really don't need to be "set up" for married life anymore. The shower is actually the thing that is antiquated here. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
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edited by TWQadmin on Oct 29, 2007, 6:48 PM)
I respect your thoughts, but I frankly find the notion of showers as antiquated quite interesting. I think your readers would be equally interested in the notion that a bride and groom no longer need help in setting up a home for married life. I don't know of anything that has changed in the past 30 years that would eliminate the need for a shower to help the newlyweds. Maybe if this is your second marriage or you are 35-50 this would be true. Thank you for you advice though, it has been informative and a source of discussion with friends and family.
30 years ago, most women went directly from their parent's home to their husband's home. Now, most women go to college or move out and are on their own. Many couples wait until later to get married. Many have their own apartments and homes well before marriage; some even live together before marriage. So, that is why most couples do not need the help of their families to help set up a new home. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
I had no thoughts of replying, no use beating the subject into the ground. But then... I read your reply. I have been married 31 years, neither myself of any of my friends have heard of such a thing! Go to our husbands home? I think you better check on your advice before you give it. This may have happened with my great grandmother, but 30 to 50 years ago that did not happen. In looking up Emily Post she does not feel showers are antiquated either
Perhaps you would be best served reading an etiquette book instead of mining for the answer you want.
The point was that our young ladies have more options than we did in the past. I am in my fifties and in my young days, living with a man before marriage just was not done by the well-mannered. And yet, today it is very common. Couples often have a home together before marrying.
And, perhaps you aren't reading the right websites. Many of the most well-respected etiquette based sites agree with our standing. In fact, the gift-less shower is becoming more popular. You just may find this reference mentioned quite often.
As with all things, it is best to consider what is fair, especially for guests. And, if you are one of the mothers, you really shouldn't be involved in any of this, for obvious reasons. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
I realize that I should not be posting here and I realize I am not following proper etiquette, but as much grief as this poster has given the generous etiquette professionals, I just couldn't help myself.
Shouldn't someone who claims to be ". . . well educated and brought up with a family with great integratey and sometimes to high a since of etiquette. . ." be able to spell "integrity", "sense", "invitations" and be able to put together a grammatically correct sentence? Since the poster doesn't know enough about etiquette to even run the spell check, then maybe she should just leave it to the experts and take what she came to receive: etiquette advice. The experts are not trying to tell people what to do. When asked, they give proper etiquette information regarding a specific situation. It is the posters choice to follow etiquette or not. Also, just because something is tradition in your family/town/culture does not mean that it follows etiquette.
Thanks for supporting us NewYorkBride, but, as per the rules, we ask that you refrain from replying in another bride's post. Believe me, there are many times we'd like to do just as you did here. But, the rules are the rules. We don't want the forums to become a place where brides interact. That's just not what we're about. But again, we do appreciate your support and welcome any questions you might have. Although, someone with such seemingly good values probably already knows much about etiquette. And, thanks for pointing out the spellcheck. So many don't bother with it and taking the time to format a question properly shows our experts their time is respected and valued. Thanks again for appreciating us and our position! Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Bridal shower for destination wedding bride
And, thanks for pointing out the spellcheck. So many don't bother with it and taking the time to format a question properly shows our experts their time is respected and valued. Thanks again for appreciating us and our position! 