My fiancee and I were planning a traditional wedding in her home town. Due to the amount of family stress and overbearance of her mother, she proposed to have a destination wedding. I encouraged her to think long and hard about this and to make sure that this is what she wants. She decided that fulfilling her wishes of a beach wedding, along with the lowered stress level of a destination wedding was really what she wanted.
We have decided, however, that we wanted our wedding to be private. We are not inviting any family or guests. There are very strained family relations on her side. For me, it is my second marriage and my family is being extremely supportive of her wishes.
We are planning a formal reception two months after the wedding. The reception will have a sit down meal, video of the ceremony, dj, cake, etc. Basically, the normal reception works.
My concern is about a bridal shower. When close friends brought the topic of a shower up, my future mother-in-law stated that it would be poor etiquette to have a shower, since there was not going to be a formal wedding. She stated that my fiancee had to forfeit events like that due to her choice. Is that an accurate point of view?
At this point, a shower is still being planned, because the folks that want to throw it, want to do it out of love for my fiancee. They just want to get together and celebrate the occassion. All the folks that are going to be invited to the shower are also going to be invited to the reception.
My second concern is about the shower invitations. We live several hours away from my fiancee's family. The shower is being held where we live. We realize that most of the family will not be able to attend or may choose not to attend. Again, my future mother-in-law states that we should not send invitations to family who will not be able to attend because the invitation implies a n expectation of a gift. My question is, is there a proper way to state in an invitation, perhaps by an insert to family, that we just want to include them in the event, that no gift is wanted or expected and that there is no expectation of travel or should we just not send them an invitation?
Help, I am getting a headache
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Jan 3, 2005, 3:44 PM
Post #2 of 3
(2402 views)
Re: [JLRS] Confused about Destination Etiquette
[In reply to]
Dear Confused,
The popularity of destination weddings is creating quite a change in etiquette rules. And, I have seen a few people write that showers are appropriate for destination wedding couples as long as everyone is invited to the reception. However, I feel the same as your mother-in-law at this point. That only those invited to the wedding should be invited to the shower. As more people have destination weddings, this rule will probably change too.
But, this is neither here nor there because the shower will go on. Your friends are hosting it anyway.
Please do not send invitations to those whom you just wish to attend and not bring a gift. A shower is a party to shower the bride with gifts. They will feel out of place arriving without one. However, not inviting them would make them feel left out, unless it is clear that this is a shower for your side of the family and your friends--a local shower.
Re: [JLRS] Confused about Destination Etiquette
[In reply to]
Thank you for your input. The topic of a shower seems to be a highly debateable one. I can see both sides of the coin and appreciate you sharing your thoughts.
I was a bit misleading in my statement about sending the invitations to people that we did not expect to come or send gifts. We would never invite someone to attend and then say don't bring a gift for the apparent situation that you mentioned. The issue appeared to be that just recieving an invitation to a shower implied that sending a gift was the proper etiquette whether one attended or not. I simply thought that your attendance dictated the etiquette on giving a gift.
The quandry was whether or not to send invitations to family members that we knew would not be able to come. We want everyone to feel included, yet we do not want anyone to feel obliged to attend or give gifts.
Confused about Destination Etiquette
