DW guest list: small wedding+big family= too many parties!
Hello,
I've been searching through your many helpful posts but I'm still not sure how to navigate our situation so I'm hoping you have some good advice.
Bride and groom are from 2 different far-flung countries and so have planned a wedding in country 3 (Bali) since its nearly half-way in between and the travel is divided evenly for close family/friends at about the right price. We initially thougt that distance would be a deterrent for potential guests but a number of unexpected people have signalled a real intention to come and we just cannot stretch out our budget anymore! How on earth can we politely make sure that these people feel included without actually including them???
Is there some way we could tactfully exploit the fact that they are split between 2 different countries and 3 different languages to deploy the A-list/B-list system - please advise how? If we can't invite all the people we want is it better to invite the barest minimum so as to avoid excluding anyone?
Of course we plan to include people by hosting events in both far-flung country1 and country2 but this is also difficult because of the cost involved in flying half-way around the world to host a realtively large party - twice! Would it be inappropriate to hold an 'engagement' party in country 1 when we are visiting at Christmas, then to hold the wedding/reception in Bali in July, and finally to hold a celebration in country 2 several months later? This would be the only way to ensure we have both the time off work and the money but it also spreads our festivities out over nearly a year!
Could we somehow send an invitation that covers both wedding and respective in-country event to avoid inviting people by accident? e.g. 'we invite you to celebrate our marriage in thought with us at time-date-location and to celebrate in person time-date-location'? Is this terribly terribly rude?
The most important thing is that everyone knows how much we would love to have them with us but that they understand the constraints on us too - that the beginning of our new life together also means the beginning of a new life very far from many we care about.
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Aug 29, 2007, 4:17 PM
Post #2 of 5
(707 views)
Re: [fez] DW guest list: small wedding+big family= too many parties!
[In reply to]
Dear Fez,
You have a number of questions here, so I'll try to bring it all together. Only those invited to the wedding may be invited to any pre-wedding party. So, to host an engagement party for those not able to attend the wedding is not appropriate.
Your idea of sending an invitation mentioning the wedding and inviting guests to a reception later is not polite. It is like saying, "You're not invited to our wedding, but think of us." It is like you are requesting a wedding gift as well.
The most proper thing you could do is to host the wedding and reception you can afford to host. Invite everyone you wish to attend. If some cannot attend, you will see them some time throughout the year and you can share pictures with them. Some will even have their ceremonies recorded and send copies to relatives who cannot make it.
For those inviting themselves to your wedding, you can do the same as above and let them know that your budget is tight and you are unable to invite them.
Re: [Et.byRebecca] DW guest list: small wedding+big family= too many parties!
[In reply to]
Thank you so much for your reply - it does clarify things but there are some points I'm not sure of.
There are people who we know would love to be at our wedding and who we would love to invite but we also know that sending an invitation in their culture implies a certain obligation to attend and 'regrets' on the RSVP is hardly a way to avoid the issue. We are very conscious of imposing a heavy financial burden on some of our would-be guests who might be tempted to stretch for the occasion or even take on debt. And we definitely don't want to angle for gifts as we actually don't want any at all! On the other hand we know they will be hurt if they're not invited.
Simply not inviting loved ones because we cant afford to fly them all half-way around the world seems terribly cold - like saying that because we happen to be marrying someone from a different country ties with old friends and family are no longer our priority.
What do you suggest?
Thanks again for your help and sorry for my long comlicated questions!!!
TWQadmin
FORUM EXPERT
/ Moderator
Aug 30, 2007, 10:50 AM
Post #4 of 5
(685 views)
Re: [fez] DW guest list: small wedding+big family= too many parties!
[In reply to]
You're not responsible for paying for the airfare of your guests. Send invitations to all you want to invite and allow them to decide if they can attend. Not sending an invitation could hurt a family member's feelings. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Aug 30, 2007, 1:04 PM
Post #5 of 5
(676 views)
Re: [fez] DW guest list: small wedding+big family= too many parties!
[In reply to]
I agree. There just doesn't seem any way around it anyway. But, if you feel so strongly that you don't want them to hurt themselves financially, why not call them and talk to them about it. Your voice can convey a message much better than print. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
DW guest list: small wedding+big family= too many parties!
