I am from New Zealand and my future husband is from Canada and we chose to have our wedding in Canada, to confuse things even move we both live in Hong Kong. We sent Save the date cards and also told our family and friends where and when it would be as early as possible to make sure that they could start saving. As I knew it would be my family and friends that would have the huge extra costs of traveling expenses. My mother is now complaining to my sister that she can't afford to go because of job and future security. She has never had much money and when she was younger lent money to old boyfriends that never paid her back. I am feeling very resentful towards the idea that my own mother would not come to my wedding. And at the moment feel that I can't talk to her about it because I would get to upset. We have had issues in the past and I feel that this would be something that I don't think I could ever get over. Please help me find a way to sort out this problem.
yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor
Post #2 of 2
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Re: Mother of Bride says she can't afford to travel
[In reply to]
No matter where you had the wedding it was obviously going to be expensive for some of your guests to travel for it. In cases like this where it is a real hardship for famlies to make the trip (and I find that it usually is) then we sometimes suggest having 2 smaller weddings, receptions or parties, whatever you can afford in different places. In this case there seems to be more to it though as you seem to have a lot of resentment towards your mother for not having handled her money as you would have approved of, in the past. Regardless of this, you may have to face the fact that she simply cannot afford to travel for the wedding and that you may have to find a way to either assist her with the cost, or re-think your location if it's really important for you to have her there. And I absolutely understand why it would be. Or you could take the other suggestion and have 2 separate occasions. I'm just not certain how much you are in a position to afford this.
The problem is not only that she doesn't have the money to afford this, but also that more and more people are being expected to travel long-distances at their own expense, to attend weddings. This is not just a typical destination wedding however, as your fiance does come from Canada. Nonetheless, just because a couple chooses to have their wedding somewhere which requires friends and family to put out a lot of money just to attend, doesn't mean that everyone can afford to. And it does put a lot of undue pressure and obligation on families in many instances.
Bottomline, I would suggest you try to separate out your opinion and feelings about how your mother handled her money in the past and move on from this. It really has nothing to do with the reality that she can't afford to make the trip to Canada at this time, and even if it did, how would dredging up the past serve either of you well? I would suggest you find a way of helping her attend the wedding in Canada as it seems to mean a great deal to you and probably to your mother as well, and create some good memories around this occasion which signifies a new beginning.
Best of Luck!! Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach, Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute http://www.stepinstitute.ca
Mother of Bride says she can't afford to travel
