My fiance and I have chosen to have our own destination wedding to Fiji. Okay, we're eloping, because we didn't invite anyone to come along. This has been especially difficult for our parents, obviously, but since we are paying for our own wedding we've chosen to spend the money on the trip of a lifetime and have a small party when we come home to celebrate.
I told my sister I did not want a bridal shower, that it's not appropriate, and she instead is hosting a bachelorette party with a lingerie shower for my closest girlfriends. My mother, however, is insistent on hosting a bridal shower for me--the guests predominately being her friends and my fiance's family, so that everyone will have an opportunity to mingle.
I'm really uncomfortable with this. Not only because there's no 'wedding,' but also because her guest list includes people that are not on our invite list for our wedding reception when we return home. (It will just be closest friends and immediate family.) Not to mention--some of these people I don't even know that well. (Her list is about 40-45 people.)
We can't ask people to come to a shower bearing gifts when they aren't included in any other wedding festivities. I know that deep down, she's trying to create the 'experience' she's lacking because of our choice to elope. But I don't want her to have any major faux pas as a result. At this point, she seems unstoppable.
First, let's address the lingerie shower your sister is hosting. This is a gift giving event, given by a family member for a wedding without guests. I can see by your post that you already know that this is not appropriate so please ask both your mom and sister to refrain. You'll have to tell them exactly how you feel and be sure to let them know you just cannot attend and why.
If your mom really wants to be there to see you married, and as a mom myself I couldn't imagine a mom who wouldn't, perhaps you could suggest to the parents and close family that if they want to be there for the marriage that they could come along. Of course, you wouldn't be inviting them so find a way to suggest this without inviting because, if you invite, you pay. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
I know etiquette rules are stringent and for good reason. But I cannot possibly tell my sister and best friend (together they are having the bachelorette party) and my mother that I'm simply not coming to the events they've chosen to host. I've made it clear to both that we have zero expectation of gifts, and that it's really not even appropriate, but if they want to have parties without gifts, then that is fine.
The part that you are leaving out here is that my family and friends want some way to be a part of the time and creation of memories leading up to my wedding, especially since the wedding itself will be far away in Fiji. For me to say, "No, I cannot possibly attend these events because it's inapproriate," is to not only finger them as tasteless, but to shun them from my wedding altogether.
What I am searching for is balance. I must accommodate their wishes in some way, since we've chosen not to include them in the wedding itself.
Thanks so much for your response; I genuinely appreciate the advice. As for the wedding itself, our parents/siblings coming to Fiji...wow...that would be one insane trip! (And we'd be insane for suggesting it.) Part of the reason we chose to elope was to avoid family stresses, planning etc. I anticipated disappointment, but I didn't anticipate such craziness in the months preceding the ceremony. I thought, "All I have to do is pack a white dress and hop a plane." Silly me!
When you choose to elope, essentially you are also choosing not to have any of the beforehand hooplah as well. It seems that no matter what decisions we make in life, they all have string attached, don't they? Sigh.
Etiquette is basicaly in place to avoid embarrassment and to protect feelings. So, the reason no gift giving events before a wedding without guests is to avoid your guests feeling insulted that they aren't invited to the wedding. Now, I have heard hundreds of times from brides that their guests don't care if they're invited and they love them so much that all they want is to be included in the wedding planing. But, the truth of the matter is that we hear from guests all the time who complain about being invited to these events, especially the parties where gifts are expected.
So, once again, we have the mom and sister issue which is very personal. You'll have to decide how best to handle them. Maybe if they were to agree to no gifts (lingerie party = gifts), that might be enough. But, you;re still inviting guests to celebrate a wedding they are not invited to. All we can tell you is what etiquette suggests. If you see fit to bend the rules then, sorry, but we can't really tell you how to do that. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
But, there is something they can enjoy from the wedding itself that may help them feel as if they were a part of it. Perhaps you could film your wedding and a bit of your trip. You could play this during your reception at home. This might smooth things out a bit. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
Thank you! We actually are having pictures/video taken in Fiji and plan to have it playing at our reception. That way everyone can share...even just a little bit! And we aren't having a gift table. If people choose to bring something, the service staff can stow it away.
It's just hard trying to give my mother what she wants on some level and not breaking her heart. Ultimately, she can have the 'party' (not shower) if she really wants to, but no gifts.
I gently sent her an etiquette piece that lays out the rules of the game, and asked her what she'd like to do next. Bless her heart--she even wanted us to have a wedding cake at the reception. We said no to that one!
We knew in advance that choosing to elope also means choosing not to get presents, and all the pre-wedding hype that comes along with a traditional ceremony. But we also thought we were choosing to avoid the pressure and stress! Note to brides considering eloping: Don't tell anyone! JUST GO!
Private destination wedding--mom wants a shower
When you choose to elope, essentially you are also choosing not to have any of the beforehand hooplah as well. It seems that no matter what decisions we make in life, they all have string attached, don't they? Sigh. 
