Bride wants fantasy wedding, but doesn't want to pay for any of it
We really need advice. Our twenty year old son has dropped out of college and is engaged to marry a twenty-three year old single mother with a six year old daughter. We have tried to keep our mouths shut since they became engaged,we didn't before, but now a couple of issues have arisen and quite honestly we don't know what to do. The bride has planned her fantasy wedding, but her parents have little money and have given her as much as they can. Recently she quit her job because she "doesn't enjoy working", and has no intention of covering any wedding expenses. She wants my husband and I to "pick up the extras". The extras include $4500 for photography, $1000 for guest favors, all flowers [cost yet to be determined], her dress [$??], the limo [$??], the hall [$??], the DJ [$??], the honeymoon, and "any other little things that might come up". We are in shock; our son is totally in rapture, so there is no talking to him. Help!!!!!!!! OFTFRFBF
coach4couples
COUPLES COUNSELOR
Feb 6, 2005, 3:05 PM
Post #2 of 2
(3283 views)
Re: [OFTFRFBF] Bride wants fantasy wedding, but doesn't want to pay for any of it
[In reply to]
What a great opportunity to treat these two young people like they are resourceful, competent, and capable adults who know how to go for and get what they want!
In no way are you obligated to pay for any of her requests, and there are ways to explore their options with them that have you looking like the supportive, understanding, and clear in-laws that you are. Be clear about your boundaries, be clear about what you would delighted to pay for, and be curious with them about how they intend to meet their other financial obligations, etc.
Instead of stepping in and taking care of their desires, or going the other side and blasting them with your thoughts on how irresponsible they are being, what would it be like to have more of a "consultant's" approach? Leaving judgments at the door, come from a place of curiosity and wonder; seek to understand and explore, and get them both on what they want, what their dreams are, and what they need for it all to come together.
Then, engage in an empowering conversation around how they can go about taking care of their desires. By not taking it on yourselves, you give them a chance to see what they are capable of.
The best thing you can do is to be crystal clear on your boundaries, and reiterate them with love -- no need to be defensive, guilty, or angry. They've made a request. You get to decide how you would like to respond.
Hope that helps. Emily Bouchard, MSSW, Life Coach, Speaker, and Trainer
Bride wants fantasy wedding, but doesn't want to pay for any of it
We really need advice. Our twenty year old son has dropped out of college and is engaged to marry a twenty-three year old single mother with a six year old daughter. We have tried to keep our mouths shut since they became engaged,we didn't before, but now a couple of issues have arisen and quite honestly we don't know what to do. The bride has planned her fantasy wedding, but her parents have little money and have given her as much as they can. Recently she quit her job because she "doesn't enjoy working", and has no intention of covering any wedding expenses. She wants my husband and I to "pick up the extras". The extras include $4500 for photography, $1000 for guest favors, all flowers [cost yet to be determined], her dress [$??], the limo [$??], the hall [$??], the DJ [$??], the honeymoon, and "any other little things that might come up". We are in shock; our son is totally in rapture, so there is no talking to him. Help!!!!!!!! 
