My fiance's parents are Irish immigrants and most of his family is very active in the Catholic church. I was raised Methodist, and my family is quite active in the Methodist church. Neither my fiance or I are religious - we both feel we are agnostic. As I have explained to my family, it's not that I don't necessarily believe in religion, but I do not believe in organized religion and I am spiritual in my own way. My fiance and I feel EXACTLY the same way about this issue. Here is the problem - every time his family calls the only thing they care about is whether or not we have retained a Catholic Priest to perform our ceremony. We have not. We have an retained a multi-demoninational ordained minister that we both really liked. We have repeatedly told his family that this is the path we have chosen, and that I am not Catholic and we are not having a Catholic ceremony. I understand that their religion is important to them, but I am at my wit's end because I feel as though they are completely disrespecting my family and the way I was raised by insisting that THEIR family religion dictate my wedding. Do you have any thoughts as to how to discuss the issue of religion with them rationally, as my fiance and I no longer wish to discuss this. Because I am not Catholic and will not be converting, my understanding is that a Catholic priest couldn't perform the cermony anyway (although a deacon could). I do not believe that their religions beliefs somehow trump my families. Any thoughts on the issue are appreciated. Thank you.
Deacon Bob
INDEPENDANT CATHOLIC DEACON
May 10, 2006, 4:04 PM
Post #2 of 5
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Re: [sdbridetobe] Family input on religion driving me crazy
[In reply to]
It is ashame that this is happening. Both the Catholic and Methodist faiths are Christian. The politics of what Minister officiates the wedding should be minor compared to the more significant concern that the wedding be blessed by God. The big picture is that Christ is our Savior and earthly and man made rules are insignificant compared to that. I pray that the families are able to see the big picture and join with you to make your wedding day happy and joyous. By the way, Catholic Priests and Deacons have the same rules. If a Catholic Priest cannot officiate either can a Deacon. Also, the Catholic church no longer requires a non Catholic spouse to convert. Both a Priest and Deacon can officiate a wedding between a Catholic and a non Catholic Christian as long as there are no other impediments to the marriage (such as a prior marriage which has not been annulled.) For Catholic clergy to officiate the wedding normally must be in the Church although a Bishop may grant a dispensation. Catholic clergy may also co officiate with non Catholic clergy when there is a marriage of mixed religion. Deacon Bob Tousey
RevSusanna
Interfaith Wedding Minister
May 10, 2006, 4:49 PM
Post #3 of 5
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Re: [sdbridetobe] Family input on religion driving me crazy
[In reply to]
A Catholic priest can do your wedding, and you do not have to convert. A Catholic priest and a Methodist minister can co-officiate the ceremony. However, that does not seem to be the issue here. It seems that you both have come to certain decisions with regards to your own spiritual beliefs and having a multi-denominational minister perform the ceremony. Therefore, together you and your fiance need to convey to your in-laws how you feel...which includes your spiritual and religious beliefs. Have a sit down, a heart-to-heart. In the end, it is up to them to come to peace with your decisions. This is the birthday of your marriage and how you present yourselves as a couple sets a powerful precedent!
Being a "multi-denominational" minister myself, I see this all the time. Do prepare for the inevitable questions. Questions such as: "How will you raise the children?" Or their asking their son, "Why do you no longer consider yourself a Catholic?" or "Why can't you do this for us?" You must answer these questions in a united front. You don't want to give them mixed signals. Be careful of any devisive behavior on their part. They may even suspect (even secretly) that you are pulling their son away from his religion, or that he is doing this for you. You can avoid this by his telling them that this is truly how HE feels and what HE wants as well---even separate of you.
If you do NOT do this, you will have a similiar issue again when your first child is born--- with regard to a Catholic baptism.
I myself was raised Catholic. My book may really help you in this regard. It has given many couples the language with which to talk to their parents. Read the chapter on Family Matters. Read how you can honor both of your traditions in a more universal way.
(This post was
edited by RevSusanna on May 10, 2006, 4:49 PM)
sdbridetobe
May 11, 2006, 12:34 PM
Post #4 of 5
(1260 views)
Re: [RevSusanna] Family input on religion driving me crazy
[In reply to]
Thank you to both of you - your input was helpful. My fiance's family is well aware that he turned from his Catholic faith long before I was in the picture (he turned away when his mother died of breast cancer 10 years ago). I know that his family pushing the issue just pushes him further away, so I might mention that to his dad. Then again, his father is almost 76 and is very set in his ways. Hopefully a good heart to heart can get them to back off on pushing their particular religion. As Deacon Bob said, they are both Christian, so I don't understand why it has become SUCH an issue. Regardless, I truly appreciate the input you have both given me and hope we can resolve this. And as a side note, it does also become more complicated with having a Catholic Priest considering we are getting married on a seaside cliff in Mexico (although the location is actually an old mission!). Thank you again.
RevSusanna
Interfaith Wedding Minister
May 11, 2006, 1:14 PM
Post #5 of 5
(1252 views)
Re: [sdbridetobe] Family input on religion driving me crazy
[In reply to]
You are welcome! I have faith that you will come to a peaceful resolution. One more option: You can ask a local Catholic Mexican priest to bestow a blessing during the ceremony. That may make your father-in-law happy. Since you are both baptised Christians, and the priest would not be officiating, he should be able to do this. If you choose to do this, offer him a donation for his services.
Family input on religion driving me crazy
