History: I am 32 very close to my family, never been married, live at home with mom & dad, no kids, catholic.
My fiance is 34, 3 kids from marriage when she was 18-24. Married once, catholic, owns a home
We started dating about 3 years ago, friends first, then overtime developed a very strong bond. Got engaged in Jan. 07. My mom was actually friends with my fiance before I was, and actually bought her flowers on mothers day and gifts for her kids at Xmas BEFORE we were seriously dating. Once we began SERIOUSLY dating and realized we saw a future together, all the sudden my mom did a 180 with her feelings towards my fiance. She now acts like she hates her, has sent her nasty emails raising issues about her past relationships and mothering style. And has caused nothing but stress, arguing and tears all around because of her actions towards her and me. She claims that because SHE is opposed to us marrying, that since we are going forward, that we are not conisidering HER feelings. For three years, we have only considered her feelings, to the point of stepping back for 5 months from each other, only to realize how much we meant and missed each other that much more... My Fiance & I from day one have tried to do EVRYTHING we could to bring the families together and build a strong relationship all around, but regardless of OUR desires, my mom REFUSES to have anything to do with her or her kids, for no valid reason. She claims that I am blinded by love and my fiance and her kids are just TELLING me they love me to latch onto me to fill that role of father in their lives. My fiance is telling me and showing me that it is not the case. She has NO reason to "latch" on as she has built her own life for her and her kids. She has been indpendent for 10 years on her own raising 3 great catholic kids. Her and I have talked more than most married couples as a result of all these issues and are VERY open with our feelings and reality of the situation. I have gotten nothing but love from this person who I have grown to love so much and gotten engaged to back in Jan. 07. We both believe we have found our soulmate and love the kids with all my heart.
My mom has sent nasty emails, and said other things to her, which are downright mean & even more totally unjustified ever since we got engaged...After giving up trying to bring mom around, we decided it was our life and we had to be happy and although it is my mom, and important in my life, I am okay with that. I want to marry and spend my life with my fiance!
Recently though, my fiance is having some problems with this all now that we are engaged as how my mom's relationship or lack of, with her and her kids will affect us down the road & more imporantly her kids... For example interacting on holidays and what her role is if she never comes around to acceptance of her as a daughter in law or the kids of existing in the family. I don't know how to make it any clearer to her that I love her and she will be my wife and kids will be my "Family" and that we can only do so much, that until my mom decides to change her attitude, we can do no more...All I ask is for my mom to allow herself to open up a little and get to know the kids and realize that I am happy and that is what matters & what a great person and mom my fiance is. She is EVERYTHING I have looked for in a mate from standpoint of values and picking up the pieces when life got tough. She is a real gem and only my mom seems to think otherwise. Even my Dad doesn't understand where or what my moms problem is.
She says her concern is that I am stepping into and being sucked in by her to a situation not good for me because of the kids and refuse to her death to ever think otherwise. I don't want mom to be happy, but I would like her support that I am happy and for the nastyness to stop! I have tried talking at length and gotten no where. What next? I love my fiance and kids with all my heart and also love my family. It is now causing problems between my fiance and I. Which I don't want to happen. Do we continue down the road towards marriage that we both deperatly want because WE are happy and mom is the one who has to change over time if she wants to be in our future or am I missing something here? PLEASE HELP before my heart breaks!!!!
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Mar 7, 2007, 7:18 AM
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Re: [brianm41975] Mom refuses to accept my fiance!! HELP!
[In reply to]
What you're asking is very complicated relationship issues that goes way beyond wedding etiquette and the topical advice any of us might be able to offer here.
I would suggest setting up an appointment to speak with your priest. You'll need to do this anyway if you are to be married in the Catholic church. You'll want to discuss issues such as annulment and divorce. Allow your priest to counsel you. Hopefully your parents can join in.
Good Luck. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Mom refuses to accept my fiance!! HELP!
