i just recently broke off my enegement with my girlfriend and she is jewish and i am catholic. we got engaged with the intent to raise our kids both. we met with a priest and rabbi separately and decided we would have a baptism and a jewish baby name ceremony. this was accepted by both clergyman. 5 months after the engagement, i was having difficulty dealing with this and she would not agree to raise the kids catholic. she wanted to raise the kids both. i initially agreed, but as time passed, i wanted to raise the kids catholic. she was persistent about NOT raising the kids catholic and this became an issue. as a result, our relationship began to dimiish and we were arguing over stupid stuff. it seemed everything we argued about had something to do with religion. needless to say, we broke it off and it wasn't easy because it wasn't mutual and it didn't seem like a legitimate reason to break it off. i couldn't handle raising my kids both religions; they need some type of spirituality. i am not very religious, but i do practice and have been baptised, had a communion and confirmation. she had a bartmitfah and never attened a synogouge after that. this is what was baffling. i wasn't asking her to give in, but i was the one who had issue. why couldn't she just agreed to raise the kids catholic? as a result, we eneded the engagement. the hardest thing i ever had to do. please, someone enlighten me and tell me that i saved another divorce from happening or i was a complete idiot for breaking this off with someone i truly loved.
(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on Jan 16, 2006, 8:02 AM)
No one can tell you what you are asking. Only your heart can tell you if you did the right thing.
I have worked with hundreds of interfaith couples and can tell you that every case is different. Many couples choose to raise their children in one religion. Many couples choose to raise their children in both religions.
In interfaith relationships, respect is the foundation, love is the bridge.
It is my experience that couples who put their relationship, their love and marriage FIRST, have less issues. Only you can decide what is right for you.
We Christians need to understand that Judaism is both culture and religion. Their are Jews that are not religious, however, they feel deeply, profoundly, culturally Jewish. We as non-Jews can never know how it feels to have suffered such persecution, and as a result to exist in such diminished numbers. Also, we must remember that it was we Christians who persecuted Jews. For this many Jews would never have their children raised as Christians. Your fiance's willingness to raise your children in both religions demonstrates openness and flexibility.
(By the way, I was raised traditionally Catholic and attended Catholic schools.)
My suggestion: Go to church and pray. In the right time, God will answer in the stillness of your heart.
Jewish and Christian marriages are always a challenge and there are significant issues if one or both partners have strong feelings. I have two cousins who each married a Jewish man. It seems as if their marriages are working so it can happen. There are certain common beliefs shared by both faiths. They both believe in one God. The God of Abraham. They both believe in the Ten Commandments. In fact, what is taught in the Old Testament is shared by both faiths. Jesus was a Jewish Rabbi. The difference is that Catholics and all Christians believe that Jesus is the the Savior, who God sent to die for our sins. Those of the Jewish faith do not. This is a significant difference. Many Christians and you might be one of them even though you do not consider yourself very religious, feel a responsibility to raise their children in their Christian faith and teach them to accept Jesus as their Savior. Also, depending on your nationality you may have strong cultural ties to the Catholic faith just as many Jewish people have strong cultural ties to their faith. In that your fiance' was willing to introduce the children to both faiths it appears that her ties are more cultural than religious. But strong never the less. Notice I use the term introduce the children to both religions as I find it is hard to raise the children in both faiths. You can raise them with Judea Christian values. You can raise them with both cultures but you can not raise children in both faiths as the divide is so wide when it comes to the acceptance of Jesus as the Savior. What you can do is introduce the children to both faiths, explain what the faiths have in common, explain the differences. The challenge is going to come in deciding what religious education the children will have. Both of you had substantial religious education growing up. You both completed a significant rite of accepting you family's faith during your formative years. Would either of you been happy with your children not receiving religious education? This is an issue you would be sure to face if you had children. There are no formal programs that teach both religions. You can not send them to both. To do so would be way too confusing to the children. One day they are learning about Jesus and another being taught a faith that does not accept him as the Savior.
The question as to whether your marriage would have ended in divorce is one only you can answer. However, if you had strong feelings about the children being raised Catholic and she was not agreeable -- you would certainly have issues once children were born. I am stunned a Catholic Priest and a Rabbi would have agreed to an arrangement where you were planning on baptizing a child and have a Jewish baby naming ceremony. At Baptism you as parents are making a promise to raise the child as a Christian. You are promising to raise your child to accept Jesus. Baptism is a Sacrament. Not simply a social event. There is no point in Baptizing a child if you do not intend on raising him/her as a Christian. Raising is a lot bigger commitment than simply introducing the child to the faith.
I obviously feel strongly about raising a child as a Christian but I must also point out something to you. What makes you think it is easier for her to abandon her faith than it is for you? Apparently, you see no reason why she could not just let you raise the children Catholic. Well, how would you feel if she could not see why you just don't let her raise the children Jewish? This comment suggests to me the issue could be deeper than just a religious difference. You feel she should just abandon her heritage. Do you feel that when you are married that your spouse should just roll over on every major issue? If you do, as a practical matter the marriage would have been headed for trouble. I am not trying to be critical but just point out that you have to have a better understanding of where your partner is coming from for a marriage to be successful.
Now at my age, I am probably not going to have more children so if I was to marry a Jewish woman I would not have this issue to face. Therefore, the situation would be workable at this stage of my life. But I do have to tell you when I was younger and planning to have a family --- I know that as strongly as I feel about my responsibility to raise my children as Christians, I would not have been able to marry a Jewish woman. I would understand the importance to her of her faith and culture. I would understand my commitment to my faith and culture. I would understand it was something that would have been a major issue as the children grew up. For lack of a better term earlier in my life this would have been a deal breaker. Deacon Bob Tousey
(This post was
edited by Deacon Bob on Jan 16, 2006, 3:27 AM)
you shed much light on this topic. although you mentioned that "this issue could be deeper than just a religious difference." i wasn't trying to convince her to abandon her culture. i may have come across like that though. what irritates me most is that i could not accept the fact that we weren't raising our kids catholic. it took me almost 6 months to figure this out and then i had to break her heart? i wish i could go back to the day before i proposed and i would have second guessed myself. this issue is something that i regret doing and being in love with her wasn't enough. why couldn't i have just settled for raising the kids both religions? why was there so much frustration on my end? this is something that will bother me for the rest of my life.
The one thing I learned in 47 years of life is that we learn as we go. There are many times I wish I could turn back the clock. The good side is you learned something about yourself. I am sure both you and she will overcome this challenge and go on to live very full and happy lives. Don't beat up yourself. You are not the first person to wish they could change things. In Matthew -- Jesus told Peter that he would deny him three times before the cock crowed. Peter said no way. Then after Peter did deny Jesus three times he wished he could have changed what he did. You are in great company. Good luck to you and God Bless. Bob Deacon Bob Tousey
broken engagement due to religious differences
