I'm Baptist and my fiance is Catholic, and I feel we're very much on the same page regarding religion. We've placed focus on the similiarities of our faiths and have been able to reach full agreement regarding future church involvement and children. Our ceremony is going to be held in my fiance's Catholic church and performed by his priest, but the ceremony itself will not be denomination-specific. There will be no alcohol and no dancing at the reception since that may violate traditional Baptist doctrine. Now to the issue at hand...
My parents have been very mean-spirited throughout the wedding planning. They seize every opportunity to make hurtful and untrue comments about Catholics. They completely reject my attempts to point them to information about the Catholic faith, so understanding through education is not an option. Fortunately, so far they've refrained from saying anything too awful in front of my fiance, but they do make sure to shoot a nasty look in my direction if anything Catholic is mentioned. I've explained to them several times how their behavior is upsetting me, but they are of the position that since they're "right" in the religious sense, they should be able to say and do whatever they want. They are contributing some financially and I do agree that they are entitled to a say in how things will be. Yet at the very beginning of planning when I asked for their input about the ceremony and was open to suggestions and compromise, they gave me no input, acted very disgusted and were so rude to me that I knew that begging them for actual input would only perpetuate a theological war (which has happened regardless). So my fiance and I went ahead and planned the ceremony that I mentioned in my opening paragraph. My parents haven't been interested in involving themselves with any other aspect of planning, either, just to let you know. Talking to them about feelings or having civil discussion is completely impossible; they are not ones who are receptive to "heart-to-hearts." They are often verbally abusive, as well.
Talking it out hasn't worked, so are there any actions I can take to make my parents act reasonably? Also, if I take an action they view as threatening or too aggressive, I'm certain they will remove their participation AND financial support. I'm young, on a tight budget, planning and organizing like crazy and in the process of moving. So although they aren't contributing a large amount, removing that financial assistance would be like removing another piece of an already wobbly Jenga game. It seems to me that I have to just bite my lip and force myself to be the bride at a tense wedding to keep everything from falling apart. Am I trapped? Or are there any other strategies or options? I would greatly value any and all advice.
RevSusanna
Interfaith Wedding Minister
Jul 26, 2006, 9:23 PM
Post #2 of 2
(966 views)
Re: [love_lobotomy] insensitive parents and religion
[In reply to]
Oh, that is sad. What should be a day of utter joy now becomes clouded with stress and tension.
What mean-spirited (and therefore toxic)parents often don't realize is that they are creating a wall between themselves and their own children, and THAT is the beginning of losing them.
In my opinion, abusive behaviour is not to be tolerated, not even by close family members. Having said that, if you stand up to them, they may withdraw financial support. It is your choice to either endure the pain or let go of your family's financial support. This is your fiance's decision as well to make, as much as it is yours.
I tell all about-to-be-married couples, "When you are married, your marriage comes first, and that means before your parents as well." I also tell them to protect the relationship from all harm. You need to consider your fiance's feelings. You also need to protect him from your family.
Having said all that, I feel for you. It is a very difficult and hurtful situation to be in.
There is no right or wrong here. It is a matter of considering the consequences, including the effects it will have on you, your relationship on your wedding day and afterwards. Then you can make a decision.
Ask yourselves:Is it worth accepting Mom and Dad's money, if it comes at such a price?
insensitive parents and religion
