My fiance and I are from different denominations of the church and can't agree on where to get married. We both practice our faiths and my frustration is that he knew how I felt about this all along and said he was fine with it and now he's changed his tune. I have agreed that we will worship at his church and raise kids there, however, I would like to have the wedding at my church. He refuses and wants everything at his church. I have tried breaking the engagemnet off but feel like I am making the biggest mistake of my life. We've been together for six years and it feels like throwing away everything just for this may be too much. I have tried explaining to him that we need to compromise, which was why I agreed to raising the kids at his church, but he says that it's what he wants and thats that. Please help I'm scared and feel so alone right now. I'm getting depressed and right now i can't live with him and can't live without him.
Usually does the ceremony take place at the brides place of worship?
(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on Jan 16, 2008, 10:02 AM)
TWQadmin
FORUM EXPERT
/ Moderator
Jan 16, 2008, 10:07 AM
Post #2 of 4
(481 views)
Re: [confused missN] which church to get married in
[In reply to]
It may be best to see your pastor for some spiritual guidance now. Also seek couples counseling, if the groom is willing. I would caution you about moving ahead with the marriage until you know that compromising is something this man can accomplish. Being able to discuss issues, communicating and compromising are the building blocks of a relationship. If he refuses to communicate now, it won't get better. I'm not suggesting that you cancel the wedding, but, consider postponing it until you're both certain that you'll have a healthy marriage.
Good Luck. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
RevSusanna
Interfaith Wedding Minister
/ Moderator
Jan 16, 2008, 1:33 PM
Post #3 of 4
(466 views)
Re: [confused missN] which church to get married in
[In reply to]
First, to answer your question: Traditionally it is customary that the bridal couple marry in the bride's church. However, that is changing with modern life.
Secondly, I want to acknowledge how torn you must feel. It must be very painful.
I counsel interdenominational and interfaith couples all the time. My question to your fiance` would be, "Are you willing to lose the woman you love over this issue, given she is willing to raise your children in your church?"
Joseph Campbell once said, "If you're married and your marriage doesn't come first, you really aren't married."
To me, the greater issue is this: It seems that you are willing to compromise for the sake of the relationship. Is HE? That is the concern.
As the forum director mentioned, open communication, mutual respect and trust are foundational to a good marriage. Where is communication and respect in an ultimatum?
Do seek some professional counseling. If your fiance` is unwilling, go for your own sake. Your wedding is the birthday for the marriage. How you do it does matter.
(This post was
edited by RevSusanna on Jan 16, 2008, 1:34 PM)
yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor
Jan 16, 2008, 1:37 PM
Post #4 of 4
(462 views)
Re: [confused missN] which church to get married in
[In reply to]
I couldn't agree more with the advice just given. This is just one issue but the manner in which you decide and settle things will go into your message. And the issues don't get easier after marriage, especially when raising children, they get much more complex. I agree with bringing in a neutral third party such as a counsellor or pastor to see if this can be mediated between the two of you and also it would be wise to explore and develop a plan for how you are goint to make decisions together and settle differences in your marriage.
I also would wonder about how committed you are goint to be able to be to raising your children in a different church, if you don't find some satisfactory resolution to this issue now. The best rule of thumb is to not proceed until you are confident that you are heading down the right path, no matter how scared you are to slow things down or be alone if you have irreconcilable differences. Also, remember that if you do have irrenconcilable differences, as hard as it is, it is still much better to find that out now than after you're married or after you've had children together.
Good Luck! Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach, Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute http://www.stepinstitute.ca
(This post was
edited by yvonne"instep" on Jan 16, 2008, 1:39 PM)
which church to get married in
