I hope someone can give me some advice for my situation. My fiance and I have been together for 6 years. We became engaged last summer, and have just decided to plan an intimate wedding this spring. He has been married once with no children, and I have been married twice with 3 children - one with him. We would like to be married before having another child.
My dilemma is that he does not want my family (who live in NC) invited because he has some bitter feelings towards my sister and step-mother. However, that leaves out my mother and father. This would not be a problem in having an intimate ceremony between us, except that his father is a Rabbi and will be marrying us with his mother present - in NY (we live in the DC area). (I also feel that his sister and brother will probably be there). I love my family although I've had problems with my sister and don't particularly like my step-mother - but to invite my parents I must invite them also.
Geography is not an issue - except for my father is has been recently diagnosed with leukemia (another reason I want to invite him even though I know he may not be able to make the trip).
My fiance's excuse is that he doesn't want our 5 year old to witness our marriage - he wants him to think we are already married. I just think I would have too many regrets if I don't invite my family. They've never even met his family. My mom is upset and thinks his family would think I'm ashamed of my family which is not true (I think she is thinking this now).
I love my fiance and I guess we could just continue to live together, but I really want to get across to him how important this is to me. He says he doesn't want to ruin his day, but it's my day too!
He wants to have the small ceremony in NY and have a reception later at our home. But my mom especially wants to witness this special occasion - and I would like for them to be there too, despite our differences.
Please help me with this situation - I can't get him to understand. And ultimately I see this as a dealbreaker for us to get married - I feel like it is very disrepectful of my wishes. He is very adamant about his position. Any advice?
Stuck in the middle.
truelove
BRIDE
Jan 24, 2005, 11:23 PM
Post #2 of 6
(1859 views)
Re: [Toni_Rena] Fiance does not want my family invited
[In reply to]
I think you have more of a problem than whether you invite your family or not.
I find the fact that he denies your family attending should put up a big red flag in your mind. This is a serious problem. If he's going to accept you then he needs to learn to accept your family too whether he likes them or not.
I think that you need to question whether he is really worth marrying or not because this will present a problem for your entire marriage and may eventually prove too much for it. Fellow Bride
TWQadmin
FORUM EXPERT
/ Moderator
Jan 25, 2005, 7:20 AM
Post #3 of 6
(1855 views)
Re: [Toni_Rena] Fiance does not want my family invited
[In reply to]
When I read your post the only thing that jumps out at me is your statement regarding your 5 year old. I don't think there is a healthy way to hide this from your child(ren).
My advice is to get married privately and go off to a "honeymoon" alone. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Jill
Psychotherapist: Second Weddings & Stepfamilies
Jan 25, 2005, 10:48 AM
Post #4 of 6
(1849 views)
Re: [Toni_Rena] Fiance does not want my family invited
[In reply to]
I believe that some Orthodox Jews believe that a child should not witness the marriage of their parents.... is this an issue which is not being discussed? Jill Curtis Psychotherapist, Author How to Get Married ... Again (A Guide to Second Weddings) London, UK http://www.familyonwards.com
coach4couples
COUPLES COUNSELOR
Jan 25, 2005, 10:59 PM
Post #5 of 6
(1839 views)
Re: [Toni_Rena] Fiance does not want my family invited
[In reply to]
Perhaps instead of a dealbreaker could this possibly be a dealmaker?
I strongly recommend that you two determine the best way to get some premarital support. Issues of this nature have very little to do with the CONTENT (your family's attendence or not) and everything to do with the CONTEXT (what's the underlying issue that is causing this hard line). Your FH's issue is a question of values and also of roles.
Couples who take the time to truly define what their shared values are and what their shared vision for the future is, will have the greatest likelihood for long-lasting success and happiness together.
Use this conflict as a chance to connect, learn more about what's most important to each of you and WHY (if you cannot articulate why, then how will you be able to teach and share your values with your children?), and discover how to best work through conflicts together.
You obviously have something that works for you to be together this long and to choose to have a child together. If you're ready for the next level of commitment, take this time to start out right so that your commitment can serve and feed you both for many years to come. Emily Bouchard, MSSW, Life Coach, Speaker, and Trainer
Toni_Rena
Jan 31, 2005, 8:33 PM
Post #6 of 6
(1795 views)
Re: [coach4couples] Fiance does not want my family invited
[In reply to]
Thank you and to all who replied to my question. I have talked this over with my fiance, and he said he would go with me to a counselor.
Everyone has a reason for the things they say and do, and I know that his reason is not malevolent. I must say that he has no problem with my father or mother, it's my sister and step-mother that he thinks are evil (I've had many problems with them - incidents that he has witnessed or I have shared with him), and therefore, I understand where he is coming from. With that being said, I cannot invite my mother and father without them being invited as well. I have forgiven them, and they are both trying to make things work with me. I get along with them fine at a distance (6 hours away), but I know that if I don't invite them it will only cause more heartache.
Anyway, I have told him how I feel, and that we should either get married with none of our family in attendance (which would mean his father not marrying us - at this point causing problems with his family), or inviting all of our immediate family. Wish me luck. We do love each other.
Fiance does not want my family invited
